Saving Moonlight - The Latest - UPDATED 05.16.08
This is copied verbatim from

http://moonlight-detective.com/

The content is theirs but I wanted to pass along the message: SAVE MOONLIGHT!!!! I love this show!


* Warner Bros. expressed their gratitude for the fans’ support and reminded us that they can’t make the decision for the networks. In other words, we need to focus on the networks, not Warner Bros.
* Fans started sending perpetually cool postcards by the hundreds (thousands?) to the CW asking for them to pick up the show. Some fans are also sending cards to SciFi Network and USA.
* Rumor has it CBS is taking a headcount of fans who call 818-655-1779 before 6PM Pacific EASTERN tomorrow, Friday. They will ask for name, age, city and state. When we tried to call (after hours), we were sent to voice mail, which is currently full. We recommend waiting until after 8AM Pacific on Friday to call in so they can clear out the voice mail box. UPDATED 05.16.08: This has been upgraded from rumor to fact! We were able to get through just now and leave demographic information. Call now!

Alex O'Loughlin as Mick St. John

Sophia Myles as Beth Turner

Jason Dohring as Josef Konstantin

Shannyn Sossamon as Coraline

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper May, 2008

It’s a perfect, 60 degree Saturday, and Sue and I, along with her cousin Angela headed to the Apple for a New York adventure.

Our first stop was the Staten Island Ferry at Battery Park. Neither of the girls has ever been to the Statue of Liberty, and today we arrived early and took it all in – the guys dressed up as the Statue of Liberty (complete with green makeup) posing for pictures with tourists. The street vendors and performers. The smell of hot dogs and sausages tempting everyone. The general excitement in the air. It was like a carnival.

The line for the ferry is a lot longer now because of security, but we’re lucky to be able to go at all —After September 11, the statue didn’t reopen until 2004. We went through the tent structure that resembled airport security, and then got on board.

The crowd on the ferry was all in good spirits and as we approached the Statue of Liberty, the cameras started flashing and so many people just stared and you could hear the “oohs” and “ahs.” Lady Liberty is iconic, and everyone has seen images, but to actually see her “in person,” – well, it gives you Goosebumps. It IS America. It is THE symbol of our nation, as much as the American flag.

The immaculately manicured park on Liberty Island has a restaurant, souvenir ship and many perfect spots to view the statue.

There’s also a view of Manhattan and a sign indicating where the World Trade Center used to be. It’s not a memorial, but feels like one. Six years later, the skyline still looks wrong, incomplete.

To enter the Statue of Liberty you have to not only go through a second metal detector but a sort of air-tunnel that scans you for bombs and other chemicals. Entering the statue’s base, the first thing you see is a big torch – and I realized that this is the ORIGINAL torch, removed in 1986 as part of the refurbishing and renovating of the statue. It is still lit, and quite lovely.

Our ranger, Bill, filled us in on many of the amazing details about Lady Liberty. For example, its shell is only as thick as two quarters pressed together! The green color was caused by the copper oxidation process. There was confusion about what the Statue of Liberty was intended to be: A lighthouse, perhaps? The Statue of Liberty was America’s first skyscraper. The crown spikes represent the seven continents or the seven oceans. The torch represents the light of freedom. The statue’s full name is "Liberty Enlightening the World." The chains on her feet are the broken shackles of oppression and tyranny.

Sue took this poignant moment to wonder out loud, “wouldn't it be great if the Statue of Liberty came to life?” and I commented that she’s obviously never seen, “Ghostbusters II.”

Interestingly, sculptor Frederic Auguste Bartholdi required the assistance of an engineer to address structural issues associated with designing such a colossal copper sculpture, and Alexandre Gustave Eiffel, the designer of the Eiffel Tower, was commissioned to design the massive iron pylon and secondary skeletal framework.

And on a slightly bizarre note, the face of the statue is apparently modeled after Bartholdi’s mother – the sculptor had lived with his mother all of his life. Our guide made a humorous comment: “This is what happens when you live with your mother your entire life.”

We headed toward the elevators and stairs. Now, due to fire security restrictions you can only go up as high as the base – the days of going to the crown are long gone -- so we headed to that observation deck. There are nearly 160 stairs and I decided I would climb them. Sue thought I was crazy (that’s a first!) but I forwent the elevator and climbed. How many people can say they climbed the stairs of the Statue of Liberty? I can!

To be honest, the observation desk at Liberty’s feet is not the most perfect view of the statue but still damned impressive. Angela was particularly thrilled; she told us that the statue is famous worldwide, of course, but whenever a European visits America one of the first destinations is the Statue of Liberty, and she was delighted to experience it up-close.

And it was then I realized it was time to put the camera down and just be in the moment.

The structure may be a copper statue but it is so much more than that. For perhaps 20 minutes, I just stood looking at this majestic icon, this universally recognized symbol of democracy, freedom, America, and hope. I thought of the countless immigrants who saw this statue as they arrived at Ellis Island and what seeing it represented. New life. A fresh start. Freedom.

It’s amazing to stand there.

It was honestly humbling.

We saw a lot more of New York that day, but those are stories for another time. For me, the highlight was seeing the Statue of Liberty – a beautiful symbol with so much history, so much importance, and for so many millions, a symbol of hope. And on that day, I honestly felt that hope. Standing in the shadow of that grand lady, you can’t help but believe, and feel that swelling pride of being free, and seeing one of America’s purest symbols of all that we are and aspire to be.

Poetic and sentimental, to be sure, but very real. May Lady Liberty continue to shine her light on us and remind us of that spirit of hope for centuries to come.

by Robert Gillis

For anyone (and that would be ALL of us) whose Windows system has ever crashed or done something terrible, the little sounds and apologies Windows offers are pretty lame. “We apologize for the inconvenience but Microsoft Word has encountered a random error and crashed, taking your only copy of your 200 page thesis with it. So sorry.”

So I created this wav sound file that you can use to assign to system events using control panel - sounds. You won’t stop the errors but at least you’ll get a truthful and amusing message in a charming British accent.

And this error is just as useful as a regular Windows message in helping to resolve a Windows problem (i.e, not at all), and far more truthful about how bad the situation really is.

The sound has a few colorful metaphors in it. Click the link to listen or right click to download it to your system for your own use.

When clicked the message says: “Red alert! Oh my God not again! Did the lights go out? Somebody help! VERY BAD NOISE! Outlook: SUCKY. BIOS lost. Format hard drive. Registry data destroyed. Memory failure; my bad, my bad! We’re all screwed! Destruct sequence activated! Oh shit, oh shit, the water is so cold! HELP ME!"

CLICK HERE FOR THE ERROR MESSAGE SOUND OR RIGHT CLICK TO SAVE TO YOUR PC!

Enjoy!

An open letter to Jordans Furniture
by Robert Gillis

Dear Jordans Furniture,

I opened a credit card with you over 10 years ago and have thrown thousands of dollars your way over the years.

This week I noticed that my available credit was zero – not three thousand dollars, but zero.

After navigating your nebulous voice mail system at credit services, I learned that apparently I missed a payment in May 2007 and you decided to immediately reduce my available credit to zero and “suspend the account” a year ago. Doesn't matter than I pay every month and usually more than the minimum, right?

Thanks so much for the letters you didn’t send, or the phone calls you didn’t make, trying to see what was going on, or if a mistake had been made. Perhaps I missed them over the LAST YEAR since this happened. Perhaps I missed the message printed in Arial 2 font on my statement, if you ever even mentioned it.

But the nice lady (and she was nice) at customer service told me once my measly $400 balance was paid I could “reapply” for my card (y’know, the one I’ve had for over a decade and have used to throw thousands of dollars your way?)

I told her the full payoff payment was on the way and to cancel the account. I told her I wasn't going to take this out on her (she just answers the phone) but to note in my file that this is a HORRIBLE policy and that Jordans Furniture should be ashamed for allowing it.

So, Jordans, since you were not professional, and your much-hyped customer service FAILED, allow me to respond in kind.

I will not darken your doors again, and will make sure to let everyone I know how you treat long-time loyal customers who mistakenly miss a minimum payment. No wonder people have credit problems. They make a mistake or omission and you DEMOLISH their credit rating.

Thanks for nothing, Jordans Furniture.

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter April, 2008. Also published on the Foxboro Cable Access Website April, 2008.

Today I thought I’d share a fun memory, an example of me doing something stupid (suspend your disbelief) and suggest another opportunity for YOU to volunteer to help the community and have a great time doing it.

It’s Thursday June 22, 2007 and I’m on Foxboro Common at the first of the annual Foxboro Jaycee concerts of the season.

A few years back, my friend Lauren (LB) Bitar, who works at Foxboro Cable Access (FCA), asked me if I would man a camera for the evening; that turned into a regular summer event for me.

I love working with FCA. Being one of the cameramen (or getting to direct the five-camera operation from the FCA mobile unit) is something I enjoy tremendously. It is a *BLAST* using the cameras from Foxboro Cable Access – the setup is completely professional and I get to play with the tech toys, learn the jargon, and have so much fun working side by side with people who do this for a living.

And the free Jaycee concerts are always a memorable time. It's wonderful to be out with everybody every Thursday night on the common, meeting old friends, seeing people get together for a night of free (and really good) music, noshing on popcorn and soda -- I love it.

That particular June evening ended on a bizarre, exhilarating note. As the concert was wrapping up at about quarter to nine, we noticed there was lightning in the distance. Rain had been forecast and had fortunately held off. But by sign-off time we could see the lightning moving ominously and steadily up Main Street, and literally just a few moments after the last note was played and we were starting to wrap up the cable equipment and the cameras and the cords and everything else – the storm hit!

The lightning was incredible, like a high-intensity strobe. And the rain that immediately followed — the skies just opened up. It was Noah and the flood, or “The Final battle of Matrix Revolutions” type of rain. It just did not stop.

So we were getting soaked, and here we are, quickly putting away all the equipment, and here's me, the newbie idiot, holding metal poles that support lights and metal poles that held up tents, and to certify my chances of winning the Darwin award, in my left hand I am holding – a 100 foot electric extension cord that yes, was still plugged in.

Fortunately, I realized immediately that I was being the poster child for “how to get hit by lightning” and dropped the cord so it could be unplugged first and made a dash for the truck with my personal portable lightning rods, torrential rain falling and the team getting everything put away as quickly as we could.

It was exhilarating, it was hilarious, it was fun, and I wasn’t struck by lightning, which is always a bonus.

I spend most of my summer Thursdays volunteering to man a camera for FCA, and for five years I’ve also been behind the scenes in the control room for the Doolittle Home Auction. And if I haven’t been clear: This is FUN.

Interested? There’s more. You might not know that Foxboro Cable Access provides an opportunity for Foxboro residents to produce local television programs for the Foxboro community. Their non-profit corporation is responsible for three cable TV channels on Comcast cable in Foxboro. You are encouraged to contact them at 508-543-4757 and learn more about how you can get involved.

FCA volunteers produce many different types of programs, including: Church Services, Local Sports, Community Events, Local Music, Local Talk Shows, Foxboro Historical Society, Public Forums, and Government Meetings.

There are many opportunities to volunteer to help at FCA and you learn so much and get to see the inner workings and behind the scenes of a professional television station. How cool is that? Check out their web site (www.fcatv.org) or give them a call.

Oh--Just don’t hold the aluminum poles and the live electrical cord in a lightning storm. FCA frowns on that sort of thing, and rightly so.

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter 4/2008

I’ve known Bob Hickey for 15 years, both as member of the Foxboro Jaycees and also as a friend.

When he was president of the chapter, I was struck by his attention to detail, his command of seemingly every area of governing our organization, and his good nature and sense of humor, both which served him well to keep things running smoothly and to resolve problems. His enthusiasm at Jaycee events was contagious.

In his role as Selectman these six years, Bob has brought his obvious love for Foxboro to Town Hall and has compiled an exceptionally impressive resume of accomplishment. If you observe him at town meeting, you will see he is often the facilitator, the peacemaker, the voice of reason. His no-nonsense, common-sense approach to governing Foxboro has paid off handsomely and he continues to demonstrate a command of seemingly every aspect of managing this town, and does his homework to get all sides of the complex issues. Be it the dog park, sewer system questions, Patriot Place, Chestnut Green, balancing the budget, discussing liquor store violations or a fallen tree, Bob is thoughtful, compassionate, and treats people with respect. He leads, he inspires others to lead and participate, and knows what to delegate and to whom, and expresses confidence in the people.

If you watched Bob on the Candidates Night Broadcast, you might have noticed he used no notes to make any of his speeches or statements, and presented facts, figures, names and dates with an ease that makes it clear this man not only knows the information, he cares about the town. You don’t need notes when you’re intimately familiar with the details.

Having Bob Hickey as one of our Selectman is very good for Foxboro.

So I ask you to join me in voting for Bob Hickey for Selectman on May 5 – and allow this impressive leader to continue his exceptional work for the town of Foxboro.

by Robert Gillis 4/2008
What was so special about the silver age of comic books? Read about it HERE

Pa: "Um, Clark, we discovered you in the rocket and raised you from infancy, remember? We know you’re Superboy."

Superboy: "Oh, right!"

---

Clark Kent: "Well, it’s Saturday night, so I’m going into my secret basement and use my mind-prober ray to relive forgotten adventures on Krypton when I was a baby -- you know I have total recall but occasional exposures to green Kryptonite have caused certain lapses in that memory so I designed the mind prober ray based on the blueprints my brilliant scientist father Jor-El included in my rocket ship."

Ma Kent: "Um, we know that, Clark. So, Lana Lang was hoping you’d ask her to the senior prom. Sure is a pretty girl, that Lana!"

Clark: "I have a theory that a forgotten memory will help me analyze that mysterious box I found in the Great Pyramid and reveal that it’s is actually a relic from the planet Blor and holds a mysterious element that will cure Virus-Z!"

Ma: "I’ll let Lana know you have the sniffles or something."

---

Lamp starts blinking.

Clark: "GASP! The lamp is blinking! That means that Professor Lang, Chief Parker or the President of the United States is looking for Superboy!"

Pa Kent: "Um, we know that, Clark."

BUT BEFORE CLARK CAN SWITCH TO HIS DYNAMIC ALTER-EGO, THE KENTS RECEIVE A SURPRISE VISITOR!

Lana Lang: "Hi everyone! I thought I’d come by and say hello!"

Ma Kent: "Well hello Lana dear! We were just talking about you! We understand there’s a nice prom coming up. Clark, wouldn’t it be nice to have a date with Lana... You know, a date? With a girl?"

Lana: "Say, you’re lamp is blinking on and off!"

Pa: "No it isn’t! I mean, that has nothing to do with any secret method of contacting Superboy!"

Ma: "Yes, lots of lamps blink for no reason! We’re hiding nothing!"

Lana: "Um, OK. I just thought the bulb might be loose."

Clark: {Gulp, I need to think of a way to excuse myself without arising Lana’s suspicions!} "Choke! Wheeze! AH-choo! Gasp! I think I have... Appendix... Bursting... My ovaries... oh, must’ve been that spaghetti sauce... garlic.... have to get... to... hospital! GAH!"

He bolts from the room.

Lana: "That was odd."

Pa: "You have no idea."

---

by Robert Gillis
published in the Boston City Paper 4/2008

As you all know, I grew up in Dorchester, Massachusetts, near Uphams Corner, during the 1970s. Does anyone out there have pictures of Uphams Corner as it was back then? I’m not looking for present day images but pictures taken from 1970 to 1980.

I am specifically looking for pictures of:

• Brigham’s
• Hancock Street
• The A&M Market on Hancock Street (interior pictures would be very appreciated, Dad worked there?)
• The Rill Street Market on Hancock Street (remember that?)
  
• The old post office across from the fire station on Columbia Road
  
• The Elm Farm (Uphams Corner Market -- inside pictures would be even better, we shopped there all the time)
• Rixx Drug Store
• Saint Kevin Church interior as it was back then
  
• Saint Kevin School interior (both buildings)
• Pictures of Father Kierce, Father Curran, Father Buschette
• Fanny Farmer Candy Store
• Liggets Drug Store
• United Stores
• Edward Everett Federal Savings Bank
• Shawmut Bank
• Dorchester Savings Bank clock (with DSB logo, not current)
• Big Daddy Pizza
• Kresgees
• Diskay
• Cummings
• Righter’s Hardware
• Barker & Collier Stationary Store (this one would mean a lot)
  
• Uphams Corner Christmas decorations (there used to be beautiful strings of Christmas lights across the streets)
• Pictures of the Uphams Corner area 1970-1979
• Freeman’s Drug Store, corner of Trull and Hancock, burned down in late 1970s
• Ruggerios Market, on Stoughton Street, now Alves Market
• A picture of Pope John Paul II riding through Uphams Corner when he visited Boston in October 1, 1979 -- the one I took is very grainy.

All of these buildings (well most) still exist but are now other stores. What I’m trying to find is any pictures people might be willing to share of Uphams Corner from that era -- a JPG scan mailed to robertxgillis@aol.com would be VERY appreciated. If you have a collection, we could discuss price for copies. Please email me if you have any of these images? I will pay a reasonable price ($5.00 for a picture?).

Many thanks -- any help would be very appreciated from a guy "originally from Dorchester!"

By Robert Gillis
Published in The Foxboro Reporter and in the Boston City paper 3/2007

It's early morning and I had scored the impossible in Boston: On-street parking, not ten feet away from my doctor’s office. With no time on the meter, I ran across the street to pick up a Coke and lots of quarters. I raced to the counter, where the man ahead of me was rubbing a coin across a strip of scratch tickets, while explaining his lottery order to the clerk.

“Two of the #5. First three any, first three exact. Quick-pick for megabucks.”

I hate being in a hurry, behind someone placing a lengthy lottery order. But thankfully, “lottery guy” didn’t delay me too long, and I was able to feed the meter and thwart the omnipresent meter maid drones.

The very next day at a store, I saw another man, sitting in his car, scratching a long strip of lottery tickets. In a gas station ten minutes later, another line for the lottery.

Two days later, another store. Man wins $40. He immediately cashes the winnings and buys eighteen $2 tickets and three $5 tickets.

Way back when, about thirty years ago actually, Massachusetts started a legal lottery. The first was simply called “The Game” and featured a little card with six numbers. It costs 50 cents.

Over the years, we’ve seen daily numbers, and then Sunday drawings, Megabucks, Mass Millions, Big Game, Mass Cash, and more variations of scratch tickets than anyone could ever count.

Mark my words, despite all the protests, I guarantee there will be legal casinos in Massachusetts within the next ten years. With the success and phenomenal profit of nearby Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun, it’s inevitable.

The lottery is a seemingly nationwide obsession. POWERBALL is the lead story on every newscast when the Jackpot gets really big.

Although I did win $1000 in Keno a few years back, I’m not much of a gambler myself. Besides an occasional scratch ticket and Keno game, I don’t really buy lottery tickets. I’ve made exactly one trip each to Atlantic City, Las Vegas and Foxwoods. In each case, I found watching the other players squander thousands of dollars far more interesting than easily losing my own money in a few minutes.

Now, this is not as essay about the evils of gambling or a suggestion the lottery being abolished. People can spend their money as they please. Gambling can be fun. For many, it’s a source of entertainment.

My concern is that so much money—an incredibly large amount of money—is wasted on lottery tickets. For many people, this is money they just don’t have. People work so hard for their money these days, and most lottery purchases I observe are bulk purchases. Not a ticket of two, but ten tickets. $30 worth of daily and weekly drawings. Handfuls of $5 scratch tickets.

In addition to the examples mentioned above, a clerk at a Mansfield gas station recently told me that a regular customer spends $60 on lottery tickets every time he comes into the store. He doesn’t appear wealthy. I know someone who is also not a wealthy woman, who drops over a thousand dollars every time she goes to Foxwoods. And she goes a lot. She wins sometimes, yes, but never makes the big win or even makes up all she spent.

I just don’t understand why seemingly rational people would shell out so much money on something so unlikely. Did you know that you have a far better chance of being struck by lightning than winning the Megabucks? The chances you will be struck by lighting are 1 in 600,000. The chances you will select all the winning numbers in the Big Money game? 1 in 76,275,360. (That’s one in seventy-six MILLION!) Mass millions? 1 in 13,983,816. Megabucks? 1 in 5,245,786.

Of course, there are benefits to having the lottery. Here in Massachusetts, a good percentage of lottery money benefits the communities. This money is disbursed by the Department of Revenue. Cities and towns may use their share of the revenue as they see fit.

In addition, having a lottery machine is a big plus for stores—people who come in to buy a lottery ticket also buy other products. We even had a million-dollar winner right here in Foxboro. That’s great for business.

But for me, I just see so much waste. So many people spending so much money they don’t have on a chance… just a chance… that THIS ticket might me the big winner… The ticket “out of here” to greener pastures. So much hope and dreams placed on something with such impossible odds. So much money spent on an empty promise. Yes, a few people win. But it’s a very small percentage compared to the number playing the game.

So, the lottery can be fun, and it’s good for businesses and towns. But maybe one day in the future, historians will write about this era and our seeming obsession with lotteries, and wonder why we ever spent so much hard-earned money on such a risky investment. They might decide we were a little foolish. I’d be inclined to agree with them.

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City paper 3/2008

Years ago, Mom explained that you receive what is known as a plenary indulgence if you visited seven churches on Good Friday. I did find a reference to receiving an indulgence for “Devoutly take part in the adoration of the cross during the solemn liturgy of Good Friday.” And I see that many countries still practice a tradition of visiting seven churches on either Holy Thursday or Good Friday.

On several Good Fridays, I did just that, and it felt wonderful.

The first year, I spent the entire day at church. I started at Saint Mary’s in Foxboro, where Catholic hymns were playing on a cassette player. Next, I headed to Saint Mary’s in Mansfield. At each church I said the Stations of the Cross, and read a gospel or reading from the missile. At Mansfield, a speaker was describing God creating the world as if we were present watching it. I headed toward Brockton and stopped at Saint Ann’s in East Bridgewater for church number three.

From there I drove to Dorchester and Saint Margaret’s (which is now named after Mother Theresa), still a nice church but a little dark, and down Dorchester Avenue to Saint William (now closed), where I lit a candle for Nana (her funeral was held there) and said the beautiful “Way of the Cross,” which grants a plenary indulgence (and I receive one for going to seven churches). As the afternoon progressed, my next stop was Sacred Heart in Quincy, and then the last church, LaSallette Church, where I lit a candle.

I’ve made this mini-pilgrimage on several Good Fridays since, often choosing different churches I’ve never visited. I also altered my routine—rather than say specific prayers I’d read a random passage from the bible, and spent time in quiet contemplation.

For me, it wasn’t so much about an indulgence but I felt a strong connection to my faith and my God all day long. The church is so quiet on Good Friday, and that blessed silence gives you a chance for prayerful reflection.

I also like the practice because it gives you the opportunity to visits churches you’ve either never seen, or visited years ago. Each church has its own personality and style, and each feels like a “Holy” place.

And to be very honest, because I try not to be a hypocrite, writing this piece got me thinking, this being Holy Week and all, that I really need to get back into the practice of going to church regularly as I used to. It's been far too long.

I’ve had faith issues for a few years – to be brutally honest, a crisis of faith I’m still working through.

And then, a few weeks ago, by chance (or perhaps not) I bumped into a man I admire as a true pillar of the church and a great guy, and I talked to him about this – and he suggested that a good start is just to talk to God. Just keep talking.

It’s good advice and I started talking again. It can be slow going but I am trying.

See, for me, visiting the churches isn’t about indulgences or Catholic bonus points – it’s about a spiritual connection. Being in the church amplifies it for me. You can pray anywhere, but being in a church—any church—focuses you. And deep down we need the connection to our creator.

This year I’ll be sure to attend at least one church on Good Friday.

Y’know, maybe the best way to straighten our (sometimes very shaky) faith is to spend more time talking to the Big Guy in his own house.

After all, isn’t the message of Easter about renewal and redemption… and faith?

Think about it. I know I will.

Happy Easter!

by Robert Gillis
Boston City paper 3/2008

So, long MBTA horror story short, the blinking LED sign o’doom flashes that due to mechanical failure (quelle surprise!) the 8:16 will be late and adds that there are “crowded conditions.”

So we happy commuters wait in the pouring rain as the sign soon changes to state that the “8:16 will not be excepting (sic) any passengers.” (Grammar isn’t big at MBTA headquarters, apparently, but hey, it isn’t on this site, either, so they get a pass on that one).

The alleged 8:16 shows up at around, oh, 8:45, and for some reason STOPS, although it’s not “excepting” any passengers and no one leaves the train. The 8:47 arrives about 10 minutes later, and I’m only 50 minutes late for work. “Dependabili-T.” Hah!

So as usual I go to the MBTA web site to fill in my refund request. I go through the FOUR PAGES of web forms and then I click CONTINUE and get this little beauty of a message:

On-time Service Guarantee
An error occurred on the server when processing the URL. Please contact webmaster@mbta.com.

LOVELY. I think I'll pass on contacting the webmaster. I'm trying to give up profanity for Lent.

...And on the subject or refunds, I'm still keeping track of the refund requests. They take months but so far I HAVE been receiving them... And once I do, then I just go through the simple process of waiting in the long line at South Station, signing my letter from the T, presenting the complementary tickets and my fecking driver's license, and hoping the clerk knows what s/he's doing so I can get my $9.00 back.

12/21/2007 Refund Request Sent -- Response: REFUND RECEIVED 3/31/2008
1/23/2008 Refund Request Sent -- Response: NOTHING YET
1/24/2008 Refund Request Sent -- Response: NOTHING YET
3/5/2008 Refund Request Attempted; website failed. Re-applied a day later. -- Response: NOTHING YET
3/13/2008 Train broke down! Refund Request Sent -- Response: NOTHING YET

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter 3/2008 and Boston City Paper 2/2008

Being a slow news month with absolutely nothing else going on, I thought today I’d turn our attention to television commercials and their warnings.

I’m talking about car commercials, and certain others advertisements, that feel the need to add “Do not attempt” to the commercial when the situation is obviously preposterous to anyone with a modicum of common sense. Example: If a guy gets a rush from a Mountain Dew and exuberantly skydives off the Eiffel Tower, do we really need a “Do not attempt” message? I mean, I’ve been to the Eiffel Tower, they don’t sell Mountain Dew there anyway, and even if they did, the French police (I believe they call them “Bobbies”) would stop you if you tried to skydive from it, right?

Now, I appreciate the need for a “Closed Course / Professional Driver / Do not attempt” message when I see the shiny car driving 200 miles per hour along the very edge of some steep canyon at heights that would make the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote say, “Forget it, man, that’s too high up for me.” Because it’s POSSIBLE – not likely, mind you, but POSSIBLE – that some Doofus will try to imitate the commercial and end up as the newest crater at the bottom of Mount Washington.

But… what about the commercials that show us blatantly obvious, preposterous, supernatural or otherwise “ain’t ever gonna happen” scenarios? For example, there’s the Toyota commercial where the truck gets hit by a meteor – A METEOR! -- that explodes and nearly kills the camera crew and apparently vaporizes the truck – but wait! The truck is unharmed. The tag line reads, “Tundra – Meteor Proof.” Good to know, I suppose, but then they add, “Dramatization.” Wait, is the truck meteor proof or not? Given the number of meteor strikes on the roads these days, I need to know.

Another example. The truck commercial where they test the brakes by loading the car with two tons of concrete and race down a metal ramp, stopping inches from the abyss of the Grand Canyon. “Do not attempt.” You’ve seen the commercial, it’s impressive as hell if it’s real, but do you REALLY need to be told NOT TO TRY THIS? I’ve done some stupid things in my life but not once – even drunk, even in my crazy college days -- did I ever think, “”Hey! Let’s test the truck brakes by seeing if they can stop ten tons of cargo free-falling off the Grand Canyon!” Nope, never thought that. And even without a “do not attempt” I know it’s not a good idea. Put another way: Well, duh.

To all those commercials showing SUV drivers careening thru the snow banks and forests of Endor at mach 3: No need to say “Do not attempt,” I understand that driving over the fallen trees, boulders, land mines and volcanic ash wrecks your axel, transmission, and of course makes the forest rangers really, really upset (not to mention demolishing my resale value). I also don’t need a “Do not attempt” for that commercial that shows the truck driving DOWN THE SNOWY MOUNTAIN. If I want to go down the mountain, I’ll take a SNOWMOBILE. Or ski.

There’s another commercial where people are getting rid of their cars. Forget a practical solution such as a donation, selling it, or having it towed to the scrap heap. Nope, these people PUSH THE CAR OFF A GARAGE ROOF where it PLUNGES eight stories and CRASHES into the street. As tons of concrete and lethal debris rain down on the (thankfully) empty street “Do not attempt” flashes across the screen. I realize two things: 1) I’m sure glad the street below was deserted and 2) to think I was worried about hitting someone when I pitched a penny off the Empire State Building in 1979. I also wonder if the person who pushed the car is surcharged by the insurance company – after all, it WAS a single car accident.

Speaking of getting rid of things, there is a commercial where people are trying to get rid of their refrigerator so they can get a new one. Again, since there’s just no way to legally dispose of a refrigerator anywhere in America these days (*cough* two trash stickers *cough*) alternative methods of disposal are demonstrated: In one, the solution is tying the refrigerator to the train tracks as a train approaches. “Do not attempt” appears on the screen.

Do not attempt? Really? So, I can’t take my refrigerator to the commuter train tracks and tie it there to be demolished by the high-speed express? Do not attempt? How about, “Do not attempt –Doing this will kill and injure hundreds when the train derails and explodes.” Or “Guarantees Federal Time after you’re convicted of domestic terrorism.”

In the same commercial, someone places the unwanted refrigerator atop a huge cliff (it looks like Acadia National Park) and uses a giant wrecking ball to demolish it. Again, “Do not attempt.” Assuming I could even get my old fridge atop Mount Cadillac, and assuming I could somehow rent a crane large enough to smash it, (are permits involved with this sort of thing?) I assume that the park rangers, tourists, conservationists and dozens of other federal agencies would have no problem with me smashing the cliff face until it crumbles and sends my unwanted appliance into the ocean?

OK, final commercial: Maytag dryers. They are DURABLE. So durable, in fact, that the Maytag guy sets up a baseball throwing machine, dials it to 50 miles per hours and fires dozens of baseballs at the Maytag’s window, and then cheerfully wipes the unbroken window clean. “Do not attempt” flashes at the bottom of the screen. Look, I may be crazy, but renting a super baseball machine to lob pitches at my DRYER just never occurred to me. Me: “Honey, I’m heading to the cellar to fire baseballs at the dryer with the new pitching machine!” / Her: “OK! Can you grab a few cans of salmon on the way back upstairs?”

Look, advertisers, if you really want to place a useful warning in your commercials, how about this: Every time you have someone eating at Burger King or McDonalds, just say, “Do not attempt.” Now THAT’s a warning worth heeding.

by Robert Gillis Published in the Foxboro Reporter 2/2008

The Doolittle auction event is finally here! After months of preparation and the round-the-clock work of a dedicated group of volunteers, we’re proud to present over one hundred quality items – many priceless – at the fifth annual cable auction to benefit the Doolittle Home.

Did you know that Doolittle Home is truly one of Foxboro’s treasures? This beautiful residence is home to nearly 30 senior citizens, and provides total care in an elegant, dignified atmosphere. Doolittle Home is licensed by the State as a retirement facility and also provides for the medical needs of the residents in a fully accredited nursing unit. Most residents enter under the Life Care plan, which provides care for life, but options for monthly residents are also available.

If you visit Doolittle, you will quickly see that it is not at all like any extended care facility you have ever visited. Those investigating options for themselves or an elderly loved one will quickly learn that there are many different types of facilities meant to address different needs. While there are many different models to choose from, Doolittle Home’s life care approach is unique. Other entry plans are also available.

Like retirees everywhere, residents of Doolittle Home retain their own independent lifestyle. There is also an Activities Director who plans special trips as well as in-house activities which they find enjoyable. Through the Residents Council, they have a voice in planning activities, making their needs known, and helping to plan menus.

The licensed nursing staff is accessible to all residents on a 24/7 basis. To assure each resident’s total care, Doolittle Home has also contracted with several other health care professionals to assist with any of the residents’ health needs, whether it is in their rooms or on the nursing unit.

The admissions fee is comprehensive and provides for services throughout the life of the resident – there are no monthly or additional fees. The upfront fee covers the resident’s room, 3 meals a day plus snacks, medication management, nursing staff, activities, laundry, housekeeping, etc. If it becomes necessary to move the resident to the medical unit, that cost is covered as well.

For those who enter under the Life Care plan, the contract with residents at Doolittle Home is for life. They are cared for with love, dignity and whatever support is necessary for the remainder of their lives regardless of any change in physical or financial condition.

I have visited Doolittle many times. I love the place which is why I accepted so quickly when asked to join the Board of Trustees. I think the residents are amazing – they are obviously so comfortable, so happy. I spoke with one resident, who’s approaching 100 – I asked her if she planned on “going for 100” and she smiled and said it didn’t matter -- Doolittle is her home and she’s happy now – she’s at home. You’d never believe she’s 98. Another resident is 94 years young. Last Saturday I saw her going over a sheet of paper. “So many activities,” she told me, “I have to plan my day!” That Saturday morning after breakfast, some residents are chatting with others over cards, another is doing a puzzle, one is reading the newspaper, and several are hosting visitors.

People live longer at Doolittle, and one reason is that they don’t need to worry about their future. Will I be able to afford anything? What if I get sick? ALL of that worry is dismissed when someone lives at Doolittle. The worry is replaced with security, a happy life and knowledge that everything will be taken care of.

And may I add that the staff at Doolittle is just phenomenal. There’s little staff turnover and that means continuity for the residents. I watch the staff interact with the residents and I am impressed by the level of care, and the obvious affection the staff and residents share.

So you can see why I have come to love Doolittle Home – for someone who loves seniors so much, to see that this fine facility provides seniors with dignity, respect and quality of life – well, how can you not want to help?

Now here's the pitch. Doolittle Home is a non-profit organization organized under section 501 (c) 3 of the IRS code. As such, it must demonstrate outside support (read: auctions, donations, other support) and provide care at lower cost than could be obtained on the open market. Residents must also be afforded some sense of financial security and, in the case of Life Care residents, funds have to be available to continue those services even beyond the exhaustion of an individual's up front payment.

As part of the fundraising, for the fifth year, Doolittle Home will be holding an auction LIVE on Foxboro Cable Access (Channel 8) on Saturday March 1, starting at 1:00pm. I am urging you to watch, to call in and bid, and make a difference.

The auction is a Herculean effort coordinated by Jack Authelet, Lynda Walsh, Robert Gillis, Ken Bryant, Ginny Coppola, Marie Crimmins, Beth Ferencik, Lauren Bitar, and Mike Webber. We’re also so very grateful to Mike Everson, Marge Nash, Neil Kaiser and everyone at Foxboro Cable Access for their lengthy and detailed preparation, coordination, and clockwork execution of the annual show. We thank the Foxboro Reporter for all the news coverage and also thank the Foxboro Jaycees, who lug, tug, present items, and do hours of running around and heavy lifting. Many thanks to Andrea Cummings for arranging Jaycee manpower, and Kris Long for acting us out “floor manager” for auction day behind-the-scenes.

Now, let’s talk about some of the auction items: The donated items up for bid this year are phenomenal. There’s the usual excellent assortment of gift certificates to local businesses, stores, clubs and beauty salons, and of course (close to my heart) food. Truly something for everybody.

But let’s talk about some of the priceless items. Here’s just a sample:

• A New England Patriots ticket package for two with VIP parking.
• An original Homer White painting, “Heading home,” depicting a sailing ship with gorgeous colors.
• How would you like to play golf with NFL hall-of-famer Andre Tippet? You can if your bid is the highest!
• How about a week in a beautiful vacation home in Bethel Maine? Just bring the groceries and get away from it all in one of the most beautiful places in New England. Want to stay closer to home? We have a $500 gift certificate to Normandy Farms campground.
• Soccer fan? Check out the family pack of New England Revolution Tickets.
• Like Country Music? Bid on the tickets to see KENNY CHESNEY at Gillette this year!
• Do you like tech toys? How about a digital camera? Of a state-of-the art car GPS system that tells you the names of the street?
• In addition to the sports tickets mentioned above, we have a Red Sox World Series collage featuring the winning team and the original tickets to all four games. We also have a Mike Lowell autographed Red Sox Baseball.
• One of our most prized offerings is a unique, all wood, hand hewn reproduction of a barn built in Western New York in 1823. This scale model features post and beam pegged construction just like the original. Built by Bill Gifford of Canandaigua, New York, whose work appears in collections around the country. For collectors or fun, this model brings back many memories and pays tribute to the craftsmen of old.
• We have an impressive selection of appliances to make your kitchen chores easier, and dare I say… fun?
• Tours are again a favorite offering; both Rep. Jay Barrows and Senator Timilty are offering State House Tours. There is also a tour of WCVB channel 5, and WBZ radio with Jordan Rich.
• We have a variety of artwork to compliment any room and taste.
• My favorite category is “Uniquely Foxboro.” Included in our hometown selection are items such as the last of the gorgeous sketches of Foxboro Common. A vibrant watercolor of the old fire station. A unique “Foxboro Townie” bracelet. An original Foxboro fire call box. Sets of rare historic photographs of Foxboro. Your own historic house plaque – researched for you. And a guaranteed pleaser: RIDE A FOXBOROUGH FIRE TRUCK IN THE FOUNDERS DAY PARADE. Also, we’re offering another of the hand-crafted tables created by the late Cliff Curry.
• There’s a selection of new brass lamps and lanterns from the renowned Sturdy Lamp Company.

And that’s just for starters.

As always, we have a full page ad in this week’s Foxboro Reporter for which we are most appreciative. Also, the Doolittle Home web site, www.Doolittle-Home.org features a PREVIEW of over one hundred high quality items up for bid. Visit the website daily for a constantly updated preview and start making a list of the items you wish to bid upon come auction day! And while you’re there, check out the rest of the Doolittle site for tons of information about residents, staff, the Doolittle mission, trustees, activities, even sample menus and calendar.

The items are also being previewed on Foxboro Cable Access.

All donations are tax deductible. For additional information about Doolittle Home or its auction or to make a cash donation toward this wonderful cause, please call the Doolittle Home at 508-543-2694 or auction chairman Lynda Walsh at 508-543-2668.

And PLEASE: Watch the live auction and bid. Mark your calendar now. I am asking you –for this one day -- to set aside time at 1pm on Saturday March 1 to tune into the Doolittle Auction on Channel 8.

So many people have worked very hard for months to put together this grand event to support one of Foxboro’s treasures. You can help by tuning in, calling in, and bidding. Tell your friends out of town to check out the website – perhaps they might like to call in as well? Bid high. Bid often. Keep those phones ringing! You have an opportunity to help our seniors once again. Remember, we’ll all be a senior someday! Help make a difference. Support Doolittle Home! www.Doolittle-Home.org

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Boston City Paper 2/2008

Boston, Mass, February 21 – A science club’s gathering to watch last night’s lunar eclipse turned to horror when the moon suddenly exploded.

A large crowd of astronomy buffs and curious stargazers gathered Wednesday night at Boston Community College of Floral Design to watch the first lunar eclipse of 2008.

A dozen telescopes were set up and about 5000 people took advantage of the opportunity. The eclipse began at about 8:45 p.m., with the best viewing between 10-10:45 p.m.

The crowd murmured its “oohs” and “ahs” as the familiar red shadow of planet Earth fell across the lunar surface.

And then tragedy struck.

"At first, it was a very beautiful event," Professor Mare Tranquillitatis said of the eclipse. "There were a whole range of colors, from grays, greens and dark green through to the oranges and reds, and fuchsia, and aqua, and then, brilliant blinding white, that burned my retinas."

Witnesses say that the expected red glow intensified, turned brilliant white, and the Moon was ripped apart in a massive nuclear explosion.

“We knew something was wrong immediately,” said student Theia Regolith. “In a lunar eclipse, the Moon's appearance changes to orange, blood red, and brown as the Earth moves between the sun and Moon, casting its shadow on the lunar surface – it hardly ever explodes like that.”

Three terrorist groups – “Earth First,” the "Laughing Lunar Lunatics,” and an extreme faction of the “Make Pluto a planet again” cult all claimed responsibility for the destruction of Earth’s Moon.

The CIA issued an immediate statement saying, “This has NOTHING to do with any secret military base in the Sea of Tranquility established in 1972, because there was NO secret military base on the moon and even if there were, the particle accelerator was not even online at the time.”

But the explanation for the Moon’s destruction proved far more mundane – a simple accident caused by poor timing and an over-enthusiastic computer missile guidance system.

As reported previously by CNN, that same night, the United States Navy (NYSE-USN) was working frantically to shoot down an out of control satellite that was threatening to crash back to Earth.

The satellite, known as “Brother Eye,” would be destroyed with a modified missile (M&M) to prevent a leak of a deadly toxic gas from its fuel tank. The multi-jillion dollar craft, launched in 2006, was due to re-enter Earth's atmosphere next Tuesday.
Defense officials at Skynet said they feared that the poisonous fuel could kill if it was released into Earth’s atmosphere upon re-entry.

The warship USS Peaceful Meadow launched a single rocket to destroy the plummeting satellite. The single cruise missile hit the out-of-control satellite "approximately 247 kilometers (9 nautical miles) over Easter Island as it traveled in space at more than 7,000 miles per hour," the Pentagon said.

The US Defense Department confirmed that the interception had been successful, with the missile striking the satellite at 10:26pm Eastern Central Daylight Standard Time (7:56am GMT) last night. The impact broke the satellite apart like so much confetti in a tornado.

But the missile did not explode upon impact -- it then continued through the destroyed satellite toward the lunar surface, where it impacted and obliterated the Moon a few minutes later (28:16:00 Moon Standard Time).

Pentagon press secretary CJ Cregg defended the mission to destroy the satellite as a complete success. When pressed about why the missile continued to the moon and demolished it, she added, “You have to understand that the Moon WAS a satellite of Earth, and the missile was programmed to destroy SATELLITES. D’uh.”

NASA officials and Wikipedia confirmed: The moon IS a satellite. Er, WAS a satellite.

Fortunately, effects to Earth will be minimal, as it’s been well known for thousands of years that the Moon had no effect on the Earth whatsoever.

Some debris from the moon MAY survive entry into Earth’s atmosphere, be sure to check back with us at 11:00pm for the forecast and accumulations in your area.

The moon is seen passing through the shadow of the earth as it is photographed in Foxboro Wednesday Feb. 20, 2008. A total lunar eclipse occurs when the full moon passes intoEarth's shadow and is blocked from the sun's rays that normally illuminate it. During an eclipse, the sun, Earth and moon line up, leaving a darkened moon visible to observers on
the night side of the planet. This is the last total lunar eclipse until Dec. 20, 2010. This eclipse occurred on a crystal clear night and was made extra special by appearances by the planet Saturn and Regulus, the brightest star in the constellation Leo.

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Click here to visit www.GillisPhotos.com

With gas prices so high, in September 2005, Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino got the idea that people in Boston should ditch their cars and walk more. Working with a Boston advertising agency and raising money from local business leaders, he asked a team of artists from the School of the Museum of Fine Arts to fit some of Boston’s statues with new shoes But it's not all about gas prices; the ''Sneakers on Statues" campaign is part of a tourism program. The statues donning special footwear included--Faneuil Hall: Red Auerbach and Sam Adams; Old City Hall: Ben Franklin, Democratic Donkey and Josiah Quincy; Boston Public Garden: George Washington and Make Way for Ducklings; Copley Square: Tortoise and Hare; North End: Paul Revere; and Prudential Center: Quest Eternal. The exhibit ran until September 18, 2005. This was a wonderful, one of kind event. when you visit Boston, you'll see the statues, but not like this!


CHECK OUT THE SNEAKERS ON STATUES GALLERY AT GILLIS PHOTOS HERE

Click here to visit www.GillisPhotos.com

by Robert Gillis

Acknowledging,and still standing by, what I wrote previously (CLICK HERE) about the eleventh Star Trek movie, I must admit that I am following development and production of the film closely and am liking what I am hearing and seeing so far. Perhaps JJ Abrams will succeed in breathing new life into the tired (exhausted?) Trek franchise after all.

That said, recently the impressive teaser trailer for the film was released. It starts with a montage of busy welders and reveals that they are building the starship USS Enterprise in a dockyard (apparently) somewhere on Earth. Interjected into this we hear the sounds of JFK ("...the eyes of the world now look into space") and NASA ("Godspeed, John Glenn," etc) during the heyday of the space race, and then Leonard Nimoy’s “Space, the final frontier” voice over, and the reveal of the USS Enterprise saucer, and the unmistakable Alexander Courage Star Trek theme.

The ship is massive, put together through hard work and sweat (and a lot of welding). The trailer shows the Enterprise as never seen before. It is impressive as hell.

And how do you think the Trekkers reacted?

Um, they got into a huge, raging debate that the Enterprise was not built ON Earth, but in space about Earth.

I’m not kidding. The most heated online arguments after the beautiful trailer have been that everybody knows the Enterprise was built in space, and many have added theories as to why this is so, and many others have presented detailed scientific processes by which you can build a starship on Earth and then raise it into space. And it went on and on.

Oh, some complain the lettering of the name is the wrong font, and some say the angle of the nacelles is incorrect. But the majority of comments on trekmovie.com that day of the trailer release (over 500 of them) were debating – passionately – whether Enterprise was built in space above Earth or on Earth.

I’m not kidding.

May I say this to everyone who is already nitpicking a 30 second trailer: For everyone arguing canon about whether the Enterprise was built in San Francisco ORBIT or IN San Francisco (ON THE GROUND) – if anyone can cite a specific line of dialogue from any canon aired episode of any of the Trek series or movies confirming/denying this, please speak now, or shut up, willya? For 79 episodes, Kirk’s Enterprise 1701 said “USS ENTERPRISE, STARSHIP CLASS, SAN FRANCISCO, CALIF.” on its dedication plaque -- didn't say anything about WHERE in the Bay City: Didn't say ABOVE it, ON THE GROUND, at the Presidio, delivered by trolley, or in dry dock in geosynchronous orbit of the San Francisco. Just SAN FRANCISCO.

So that we can all be friends, sing Kumbaya, and move forward with our lives, I have come up with a Trek resolution that makes sense about the Enterprise’s construction. It’s based on, “A wizard did it,” the standard all-encompassing explanation for any continuity errors noticed by hardcore fans of any given fantasy show. If it doesn't make sense, A Wizard Did It. Move on. So, with apologies to the Simpsons…

At the Star Trek / Comic Book / Xena convention…

Professor Frink: Yes, over here, n’hey, n’hey. In episode BF112, the Enterprise was clearly said to be built in space above San Francisco, and now you have it built on Earth, Please do explain it.

Lucy Lawless: Ah, yeah, well, whenever you notice something like that, the temporal cold war changed it.

Frink: I see, all right, yes, but in episode AG4, the font of the lettering on the hull –

Lucy Lawless: Temporal Cold War.

Frink: But in the same episode the proportion of the Nacelles--

Lucy Lawless: Temporal Cold War.

Frink: [under breath] Aw, for glaven out loud.


Bottom line I: there’s just no pleasing some people.

Bottom line II: If the images in the trailer are indicative of the type of movie experience coming in December, Star Trek may indeed rise from its ashes. I’ll be watching.

And for the record, EVERYONE knows the Enterprise was really built at Area 51.

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City Paper 1/2008

Proving that no news is still news and the media vultures will pounce on any celebrity gossip no matter how trivial, and since there isn’t any real news happening (say, a war, or a Presidential election, or catastrophic weather occurrences or something) The NATIONAL BLABBER is proud to bring you this EXCLUSIVE Britney Spears update!

EXCLUSIVE! -- Britney Spears has "suffered from something for years," says a source close to the singer’s father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

Two separate sources who claim to know a guy who was once an acquaintance of the Dominos Pizza delivery guy for Spears’ zip code both believe the singer has never been formally diagnosed with tripolar disorder, Ebola, Malaria, or severe disk defragmentation, but "…there is no question…” they then trailed off, declining to elaborate.

Dr. Julia Bond, a Boston cardiologist, who has not treated Spears but wanted to weigh in anyway, said, "People who show patterns of behavior like Britney are suffering from a medical condition, most likely hypengyophobia, ailurophasia – the fear of cats, climacaphobia, thalassophobia, gephyrobia -- which is the fear of crossing bridges -- or maybe pantophobia, the fear of everything.” When someone in the crowd realized Bond had just quoted exact dialogue from “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” the doctor explained she had an emergency appendectomy to perform and bolted from the press conference.

In September, Spears was characterized by the Supreme Court in her custody case as follows: "Gimmee More is a fun song with a great beat and you can dance to it, but Spears’ VMA performance was disappointing and lifeless.” She has been ordered to stay away from the VMA music awards.

Dr. Eric Cartman, the founder of a high-end treatment center in Malibu Beach, Dorchester, “Promises, Shmomises,” has said that based on media coverage of Spears's behavior (that being the best, most scientific medically sound way to diagnose a patient) “She appears be a human female, definitely a mammal, and bipedal,” and, he added, “…very pretty!”

Several friends of Spears best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Spears pass out at 31 Flavors last night.

“I guess it's pretty serious,” one added.

This magazine has learned from multiple sources (Wikipedia) that Britney Spears may have been romantically involved with Justin Timberlake at some point in the past. Calls to Mr. Timberland were not immediately returned.

Dr. Vladimir O’Malley, a noted astronomer, added that, ‘When a person like Britney Spears has this kind of problem, it's very hard for them to be a good parental unit, because every now and then they get a little bit restless and dream of something wild. But they generally have to hit bottom – perhaps even the Marianas Trench, the deepest point on Earth – in order to turn around.”

This weekend, Spears was laughing hysterically as she was taken away by ambulance, leading law-enforcement official to consider the dreadful possibility of laughing gas, and that the Joker is on the loose again. Efforts are being made to contact Batman.

A close family friend of someone who doesn’t know anything says, "The tragic thing is that Britney is so shy, and hates the Press. She just wants to be left alone and tend to her garden and knitting.”

We will of course keep you updated the moment absolutely nothing happens.