By Robert Gillis

I'm a huge fan of the BBC series, "Father Ted," and thought I'd try a little fan fiction. This is just a one-shot of what happened when Ted learns that his nemesis, Father Dick Byrne, has died, and he has to say the funeral mass.

The phone rings:

FATHER TED CRILLY: Craggy Island parochial house, Father Ted Crilly speaking… WHAT? BUGGER ME!

{Ted slams down phone}

FATHER DOUGAL MAGUIRE: Good news, then, Ted?

TED: No, Dougal. Father Dick Byrne's died. Horrific blimp accident!

DOUGAL: Hooray!

TED: Dougal, we're supposed to be sad when people die! We’re priests! We’re supposed to offer comfort!

DOUGAL: Really.

TED: Yes, Dougal. And Bishop Brennon has told me to say the funeral mass.

DOUGAL: But didn't you hate Dick Byrne, Ted?

TED: I didn’t hate him, Dougal. We just… disagreed on a lot of things.

DOUGAL: Oh, like how he said you stole that money!

TED: It wasn't STOLEN, Dougal, it was RESTING in my account.

DOUGAL: Oh right. So do we have to say nice things for him at the funeral, then?

TED: I suppose so, Dougal. That's the nice things about our religion. We can pray all we like for a fekkin snipe like Dick Byrne, and then go get hammered.

DOUGAL: Hamster?

TED: No, not hamster. HAMMERED. Get drunk.

FATHER JACK: DRINK!

TED: Well said, Father Jack. {Sigh} I suppose we should get ready then?

DOUGAL: For what then, Ted?

TED: The funeral, Dougal.

FATHER JACK: DRINK!

DOUGAL: Really Ted? And who died now?

TED: {Sigh} Father Dick Byrne, Dougal.

DOUGAL: What about him, Ted?

TED: Dick Byrne died, Dougal, remember, we just talked about that?

DOUGAL: Oh, I thought it was something about a hamster.

TED: No, I said hammered, not hamster.

DOUGAL: Then we'll need a new hamster, I suppose. To replace the one who died.

TED: Dougal, Dick Byrne died!

DOUGAL: Dick Byrne had a hamster that died too? Was it a murder-suicide, I wonder Ted?

TED: DOUGAL! FATHER DICK BYRNE DIED! NO HAMSTERS WERE INVOLVED!

DOUGAL: TheN why are we going on about a hamster? Did you kill him, Ted?

TED: WHAT? Of course not! Not uh, not that I... didn't think about it, though. That whole "Thou shall not kill" thing can be so restrictive. I mean, there’s just no leeway at all.

DOUGAL: {???}

FATHER JACK: DRINK! ARSE!

TED: Never mind. Dougal, would you like to help say the mass, then?

DOUGAL: Mass for who, Ted? The man you killed?

TED: I DIDN’T KILL DICK BYRNE!

JACK: Feck! Girls! Gob shite!

MRS. DOYLE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

TED: Mrs. Doyle fell off the roof again.

DOUGAL: She took the news of the hamster's death pretty hard then, Ted?