KATIE: Good evening and welcome to NBC’s “Really Cool New Authors” series. I’m Katie Couric. Tonight we welcome Robert Gillis of Foxboro Massachusetts, who has written a history of his home town. Robert, welcome.

BOB: Thanks, Regis.

KATIE: Many histories of Foxboro have been written. What makes your book different?

BOB: Well, my work traces the true beginnings of Foxboro. No researcher has ever gone so far back in time as I have, and uncovered so many fascinating and unknown facts about my hometown.

KATIE: Fascinating. Can you elaborate on that early history?

BOB: Sure. See, in the beginning, the town of Foxboro didn’t exist. Then one day, it did. People were born, people lived, people died. Some of the people were happy. Some were not happy. Some were sad. But they all had the common bond, of living in Foxboro.

KATIE: Um…

BOB: Times were good. Times were bad. Then, times were good again. By the turn of the century, Foxboro was a town with a population. More people lived. More people died. But they all lived in Foxboro.

KATIE: Now, Foxboro is well known to have played a significant part in early American history, particularly--

BOB: Correct. There was a war, and great sadness. And people worried about people fighting in a place other than the town of Foxboro. Then peace came, and people celebrated. Businesses were born. Some made money, some didn’t. Children were born, and they went to school, and learned things. Other children went to school, and didn’t learn things. But they all learned them, or didn’t learn them, in Foxboro.

KATIE: Oh-kay. {PAUSE} Let’s talking about something a little more specific – the founding of Foxboro. There have been several differing histories offered by respected authors – were you able to discern the true nature of those founders?

BOB: Oh, yes. The town of Foxboro, of course, was named after the Fox—which in the animal kingdom is the sign of wisdom. History records that as the early settlers sailed their wooden ships into Foxboro Harbor, dozens of foxes kept watch upon the snow capped mountains of Foxboro’s coast. The weary travelers thought this an omen of divine providence – their journey, fraught with peril, had proven to be a wise choice. Therefore, the settlers chose to name this new land after an entity that defined wisdom. The fox of course, is the Hindu goddess of wisdom.

KATIE: Um, Foxboro doesn’t have any mountains. Nor is it a seaside or harbor community.

BOB: Well, not now, of course. After all, with plate tectonics and the ice age, that’s all gone now.

KATIE: But this was only 200 years ago.

BOB: As the years passed, Foxboro became a thriving area with many, many people of different beliefs, different customs, different thoughts, different ideas, but all of them, lived, worked, and breathed and died, in Foxboro.

KATIE: {LONG PAUSE}: Um, let’s be even MORE specific. What historical figures played a role in the founding of Foxboro?

BOB: Excellent question. The year was 1776. Charles Fox stepped out onto the porch. Charles, of course, had founded and named the town of Foxboro.

KATIE: Excuse me... But you said that the fox was the Hindu goddess of wisdom or something, which we all know is wrong anyway, and that was what the town founders, or people on the ships, or whatever, named the town, and now you're saying that it was Charles Fox?

BOB: Well, yes. On my way to the studio I found this pamphlet and apparently some of my fact checking was wrong, so I thought I'd fix it.

KATIE: So let me, let me understand this. You're editing your book as you record an interview… for a book that's already been published?

BOB: What, is that so wrong? Because if it is, please tell me.

KATIE: {LOOKS OFF CAMERA, SHRUGS} Please continue.

BOB: Apology accepted. In 1776, Charles Fox turned to his wife, Mistress Bambi—

KATIE: Excuse me...

BOB: WHAT?!

KATIE: Charles Fox's wife's name was... Mistress Bambi?

BOB: Well, yes.

KATIE: Just out of curiosity, how did you know that? Where is that documented? What part of your research found that little piece of information?

BOB: Oh, I can't tell you that.

KATIE: Why not?

BOB: Oh, that information is classified. From an anonymous source. A person who asked to be anonymous.

KATIE: {VERY, VERY LONG PAUSE} Well, what can you tell us about the research for your book? Did it require any travel?

BOB: Oh, indeed. I spent a lot of time in London, since so many people from that area migrated to Foxboro in 1380.

KATIE: {IGNORES THIS} How did you enjoy London?

BOB: It was magnificent. Yesterday I visited Lindsay Buckingham Palace, the official London home of Her Majesty the Queen. I enjoyed an afternoon tea with the Queen.

KATIE: What kind of tea?

BOB: Excuse me?

KATIE: What kind of tea did you have with the Queen?

BOB: Um, Lipton, I think it was. Anyway, the Queen is a lovely woman, so regal.

KATIE: You had tea with the Queen of England?

BOB: I believe I just established that point, yes.

KATIE: So the Queen’s attendance at the State Dinner at the White House yesterday evening was AFTER your tea with her?

BOB: Well, of course. After all, there is a twenty-seven hour time difference between here and Washington, and the Queen obviously used the Concorde to fly to the White House after we met. Yes, she did apologize for cutting the meeting short, as she knew the lines would be long at the airport.

KATIE: {QUIET FOR A MOMENT} Let’s get back to 1776 and Charles and Mistress Bambi... Fox.

BOB: Fifty years later,

KATIE: Excuse me...

BOB: WHAT?!

KATIE: I’m confused, as I’m sure the viewers must be. You just introduce Mistress Bambi and Charles Fox, they don't say a word, and now it's fifty years later?

BOB: Well, yes, they're just a footnote. The real story begins in Paris.

KATIE: Excuse me... Excuse me... Let’s recap, OK? First you talk about… talk AROUND… a history of the town of Foxboro. In chapter two, we’re in 1776 for about five seconds, talking about Charles Fox and his wife “Mistress Bambi,” or whatever, now suddenly we’re we’re suddenly in Paris?

BOB: Of course. Cherbourg, where the Titanic had departed days earlier, was in France. One of the intended passengers on Titanic was a Parisian who missed the ship because of a horrific blimp accident on the Eiffel Tower. Why are you doing the crossword puzzle?

KATIE: {SIGHS, VERY, VERY LONG PAUSE} Actually this is your contract. According to the manager of this broadcast, you signed a contract, you get this interview. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the contract that says we have to ENJOY the experience. As a matter of fact, I’m going to NOT enjoy the experience. {PAUSE} So... what part of Foxboro history has fascinated you the most?

BOB: The people. In Foxboro, you have a proud history of people doing things. Everywhere I researched, I found examples of people, and they did things. Some people didn’t do things, of course, but for the most part, in Foxboro there were people… And they did things. And Foxboro is home to many different faiths with their own churches and beliefs. And those people go to their churches, and some do not. Some pray to their gods, and some carve golden calves or worship tribal god images.

KATIE: I had no idea Foxboro had such fascinating cultural and historical traditions.

BOB: Oh, my, yes. In fact, Foxboro is replete with examples of ancient treasures of vanished cultures, and some have arrived there under mysterious circumstance. For example, there is the unsolved mystery of how a stolen copy of Evard Munch's “The Cry” ended up in Foxboro. And Did you know that Foxboro Common contains hundreds of examples of Illuminati architecture, and clues to the mystery of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Mona Lisa?

KATIE: It's "Leonardo Da Vinci.”

BOB: Are you sure?

KATIE: Pretty sure, yes.

BOB: That might explain why I was unable to locate a copy of “The DiCaprio code.”

KATIE: {THROWS PAPERS ASIDE} So, um, tell us about the weather in Foxboro.

BOB: Located in New England – a great land named after the actor, Robert England, the town of Foxboro is subject to the extreme weather typical to this tropical area of the northeast. In the winter, ferocious snowstorms with winds in excess of 250 miles per hour pummel the region. Because Foxboro is so far from the sun at that time of the year, the town’s temperature is estimated to be as low as 33 Kelvin during the night. Meteorologists report that the temperature at Foxboro common during winter is usually around 45.37 to 35.37 degrees Kelvin.

KATIE: I’m very sure that you just described the weather on Pluto.

BOB: Yes, it’s remarkable how similar the climate is at both places, isn’t it? There is, of course, debate within the Astronomical community as to whether Pluto should still retain its factually inaccurate classification as a planet or be redesignated a large Kuiper belt object. Based upon—

KATIE: CONTINUE WITH THE WEATHER IN FOXBORO!

BOB: In a great testimony to the indomitable human spirit, the intrepid souls of Foxboro still venture out into these intolerable conditions to conduct their business and celebrate the winter holidays! Interestingly, summer months in Foxboro these days are spent exactly as they were nine centuries ago – tending to the farms, harvesting crops, weaving baskets, shoeing horses, fixing wagons, fashioning straw hats, and canning fruits and vegetables for the long winter ahead. As fall arrives, the children return to school. Sadly, there seem to be no organized sports activities in any of the schools, leaving these poor young warriors with nothing to do. Hopefully, that situation will change when a new alderman is elected in Foxboro, after the annual witch burnings in October.

KATIE: {SLAPS HEAD WITH HAND }

BOB: Foxboro is also a town with an impressive community spirit, and home to many fraternal organizations and brotherhoods that work to make the town a better place, such as the Ancient Mariners. Through extensive research of town archives, we know that people join these groups. And they do things. They do things that make the community better. And the community is better for them. But not everyone joins these groups. But some do. And they make the community better.

KATIE: Excuse me... {PAUSE} You know what, forget it. Just continue. I need to see how you wrap this book up.

BOB: Excuse me? What do you mean?

KATIE: I’m willing to endure this torment to see how you wrap it all up in a neat little bow in the last chapter.

BOB: Wrap it up? But this is only the first book.

KATIE: WHAT?

BOB: The history of the town of Foxboro is a trilogy. Everything doesn’t get all wrapped up until chapter 417 in book three.

KATIE: TRILOGY?! {BEGINS THROWING THINGS} TRILOGY?!

BOB: Of course! I haven’t even started tracing the lineage of the Celtic warlord Valinor to present day, or explained how Lauren Dawson saved the portrait of George Washington when the British set fire to Foxboro Town Hall in the war of 1812! It’s not until book two that I chronicle the historic meeting between Charles Fox and Vladimir Lincoln-Hill at Fort Foxboro… And in book three, we get to know the people of Foxboro and trace the interweaving of hundreds of lives throughout the twelve generations since the town charter of 1701!

KATIE: {VERY LOUD NOISE, LOTS OF SWEARING, THROWS CONTROL PANEL AT CAMERA, STORMS OUT}

BOB: Where are you going? Hello? {PAUSE} Well, you go take a break, you look tired. I see the red camera light is still on, so I’ll just continue… Ahem… Chapter five: The Sedna comet had ended its long journey at Tunguska, annihilating the surrounding area for miles. Meanwhile, at Niagara Falls, another journey was beginning. In Foxboro, life went on. Some of the people were wealthy, some were not. Some had dreams, some did not. But they all had the common bond, of being part of the symbiotic harmony of the fragile orb of humanity that is the town of Foxboro…

SECURITY GUARD: Excuse me, sir, you have to leave.

BOB: What? I’m Bob Gillis!

SECURITY GUARD: You’re not on my list. You’ll have to leave.

BOB: This is an outrage!

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, I’m going to again ask you to leave the premises.

BOB: On the door! Look at the sign! It says, ”Bob Gillis recording interview!”

SECURITY GUARD: I’m calling for backup.

BOB: This is an outrage! I’M BOB GILLIS! I’M BOB GILLIS, DAMMIT! BOB GILLIS!