By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City Paper 2/2007

Slow news day.

You know who we never see any more? Rachel Ray. Whatever happened to her?

Like most people in this day and age, when faced with a moral dilemma, I ask myself, “What would Britney Spears do?” And then I do the opposite of that.

Speaking of Britney Spears: Please go away.

Note to the paparazzi constantly following Britney Spears and putting her on the cover of your magazines: Please stop. She is not news. She is famous for… Well, for being famous. She’s never done anything admirable. She’s not even very likeable. Whether she has talent is debatable. Why all the space for these nobodies when there are real heroes to write about?

And on the same note: Stop following people around. Nicole Richie. The Olsen twins. Jennifer Anniston. They are NOT news. Here’s a handy guide: If the celebrity is helping to make the world a better place (Angelina Jolie’s work in poor nations) that is news. If the celebrity is experiencing any situation best left at a doctor’s office or marriage counselor, it is not news, don’t report it.

“We need more covers of real heroes and not Hollywood types who have never risked anything, accomplished anything meaningful, or sacrificed for others.” -- Reader, Esquire Magazine.

Note to the Boston Herald: It’s not, "busted," it’s "arrested."

I like John Lithgow and think he’s a good actor, but I am puzzled by his commercial for Campbell’s Select Soup. Why is he hiding in that couple’s pantry? And in a tuxedo? And after he serves them their soup, he goes back in the pantry. I think that’s sad. Why does he have to go into the pantry? Does he sleep standing up in there? It doesn’t make sense.

True fact: There was a UFO sighting the day I was born, in the Pacific, about 1,400 miles east of Tokyo. Military personnel saw a bright white flashing light traveling from horizon to horizon. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Note to the clerk at every local supermarket: Please stop talking to your friend while you count my change. It makes me cranky.

Turning to technology, I would like to ask that Microsoft products stop apologizing to me when they crash and take hours worth of work with them. Somehow, at one in the morning, after writing for an hour, an apology from Microsoft that my work is now lost forever in cyberspace just doesn’t make me feel all too forgiving.

In computer storage, you’ve probably heard of Megabytes and Gigabyte and maybe even Terabytes. What comes after that? Petabyte, Exabyte, and Zettabyte. And after that? I’d like to suggest, “Naughty Byte,” because let’s face it, if you need that much computer disk storage, you’re probably downloading naughty videos or sharing lots of music files.

And thank you for calling! If you’re calling from a rotary phone, press 1! This call may be monitored for quality and training purposes. And by “quality and training,” we mean, “In case you swear at us.” To continue in English, veuillez serrer un -- oder sagen Sie das Wort "Englisch" nach dem Ton -- por favor espera para un operador. Grazie.

I got a fever! And the only prescription… Is more cowbell!

You’ll either get that last reference or you won’t.

Along the same lines: "They all wake up... and the OCEAN has disappeared!" / "How does he possibly keep that a secret?" / "WITH THE HELP OF THE MAGIC TURTLE!"

Note to everyone: Everyone else thinks your ring tone is annoying, not cute. Shut it off.

Note to every TV news crew in Boston: Unless conditions will rival the Great Blizzard of 1978, stop leading a newscast with the word, "Snow." True Fact: This is New England. It snows here.

You! Off my planet!

If Kryptonians are so super, why do they live in igloos?

I’m looking very forward to my run in the Boston Marathon in April and hope to beat my best time of 3:13.

The fact that I am writing this piece should factor heavily into your evaluation of that last statement.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think you’ll agree that the Flintstones series really jumped the shark when they introduced The Great Gazoo. The tiny, green, floating alien, at least in my opinion, demolished the sense of verisimilitude that the series had worked so hard to create for six seasons. As soon as Gazoo appeared, you got pulled right out of the stone age. I mean, here you have interesting characters, compelling drama, and then Gazoo shows up. Nope, that character was a bad idea.

Here’s some useless trivia: Gazoo was exiled to Earth from his home planet Zetox as punishment for having invented a button which would destroy the universe if pressed. There are days when that seems like a good idea to me.

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test” – President George W. Bush

Slow news day. Sigh.