by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper 8/2009

Although I rarely go the movies due to cost and my own profound laziness, I realized that I could be an ideal movie critic / reviewer / marketing spinner — because let’s face it, when writing a movie review or tagline, the facts, though interesting, are irrelevant. I mean, ANY movie, no matter how bad, can be manipulated via creative writing into a must-see film. Or a completely different film. And doing this is easier than you might imagine. So without further ado, here are some of my descriptions of movies, all with my special “must see” marketing spin.

“Showgirls:” — A heartwarming story of the hardscrabble life of a group of women in the competitive world of professional dancing. An inspiring look at what it takes to realize your dream.

“The Shining,” — The exciting story of a writer (Jack Nicholson) and his family who take care of a beautiful Colorado hotel under a gorgeous blanket of snow, and their thrilling adventures with the hotel’s zany inhabitants.

“Grindhouse,” — Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino present an inspiring story of valiant courage as a woman (Charmed star Rose McGowan) loses a leg in an accident but turns the disability into an advantage as she helps protect her friends from a group of misguided and confused folks. The film also features an intriguing look at how our government works to protect its citizens.

“Superman IV:”— A film that offers something for everyone! Philosophers can debate the ethics of nuclear disarmament and self-government. And as an added bonus, the film’s producers show the viewers how ALL of the special effects are created, as the wires holding Superman and other flying actors are clearly visible in every shot, and the blue-screen effects remain unfinished to allow aspiring filmmakers to scrutinize every detail of this amazing 88 minute cinematic masterpiece.

“Star Trek V: The Final Frontier:” — Twenty years after its release, movie goers still debate the fascinating philosophical questions proposed by this film, including, “What is the nature of God?” “Is God inside the human heart?” and “What in the name of God was William Shatner thinking?” This fifth film in the Trek franchise boasts special effects far ahead of anything that could be produced on a computer in 1805, and features a story that is guaranteed to make you ponder the question, “Why?” over and over again.

“Gigli:” — One of the most talked-about film of all time, this cinematic epic features Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in what the New York Times called, “One of the films of 2003.”

“Friday the 13th Part VII:” - At an old summer camp, follow the misadventures of a group of fun-loving teenagers as they realize they must balance their desire to have a good time with serious adult choices and an uncertain future. A coming-of-age classic everyone can relate to.

See you at the movies! Well, actually, I’ll be at home on the couch watching HBO’s “True Blood,” a heartwarming story of the blossoming love between a racially mixed couple and their struggle to gain acceptance in their peer groups.