Category Archives: Current News Story Parody and Humor

Thoughts and gratitude after the March 2018 Massachusetts Nor’easter

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter 3/2018

Sunday morning, after nearly 3 days, the electricity was restored to our street.

…And I found myself feeling contemplative.

Friday, like everyone, I was following the unfolding intensity of the predicted nor’easter. The meteorologists and newscasters had told us for days – this one was going to be big and impact the entire East Coast of the state, and the flooding would be astronomical across three high tides.

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What if they gave an apocalypse and no one noticed?

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper 5/2011

What if they gave an apocalypse and no one noticed?

For months, we’d seen the billboards – Global earthquakes, the Rapture, and end-of-the-world May 21, 2011 at 6:00pm!

Sue and I spent our presumably last day on Earth walking a beach that Saturday afternoon; the sky was foggy and the seagulls were quiet – certainly harbingers of global doom. Animals just know when the end is coming.

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CERN Large Hadron Collider unlocks the secrets of the universe and promptly destroys half of the Earth

By Robert Gillis, who decided to rewrite the AP for April Fool’s Day

Breaking news from Geneva, 3/31/2010 — “The world’s largest atom smasher conducted its first experiments at conditions nearing those after the Big Bang, breaking its own record for high-energy collisions with proton beams crashing into each other yesterday at three times more force than ever before.”- AP News Story

Exciting stuff!  Y’know, I think I’ll write the story…

Hey sports fans, big news today at the Large Hadron Collider’s (NYSE:LHC) in Geneva!

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Moon’s leaders declare war on Earth after attack by NASA

Moon declares warby Robert Gillis, who really has too much time on his hands.
10/2009

Lunar officials declared war on Earth early Friday morning after NASA launched a preemptive strike on Cabeus Crater, home to thousands of Moonies, Moonites, and Moon-Units.

CNN had reported that NASA engineers crashed a rocket and a satellite into the moon’s surface on Friday morning in a $79 million mission, to supposedly “kick up enough dust to find whether there is any water in the moon’s soil.”

Citizens of the Moon condemned the story as a cover-up by NASA to mask the real plot and intentions.

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NASA announcement of discovery of a “sun” and “blue skies” ridiculed by local residents

 

Historians note: When this piece was written, Foxboro and the surrounding area saw the sun MAYBE three times in about two and a half months.  This is absolutely true — It rained for weeks with three “dry” days.  It was just miserable, with rain literally EVERY day.  This piece was written in response to that.

By Robert Gilllis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City Pap
er 7/2009

A major announcement from the Foxboro bureau of NASA has residents in an uproar.

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Breaking Dog Park News!

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter 7/2008

Background: Here in Foxboro, a battle has raged — literally raged — over whether a dog park should be allowed to remain open. This is no joke (I wish it were) —
The dog park, which opened in September 2006, has become a legal battleground. A lawsuit filed by abutters and others seeking to close the park is pending in State Land Court. Week after week, the top story is the dog park.

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Navy missile successfully destroys out-of-control satellite but accidentally blows up the Moon

MoonExplodesby Robert Gillis
Published in the Boston City Paper 2/2008

Boston, Mass, February 21 — A science club’s gathering to watch last night’s lunar eclipse turned to horror when the moon suddenly exploded.

A large crowd of astronomy buffs and curious stargazers gathered Wednesday night at Boston Community College of Floral Design to watch the first lunar eclipse of 2008.

A dozen telescopes were set up and about 5000 people took advantage of the opportunity. The eclipse began at about 8:45 p.m., with the best viewing between 10-10:45 p.m.

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Nine planets no more: Earth’s planetary status revoked

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Boston City Paper 8/2006

PRAGUE, Czech Republic — Leading astronomers declared Thursday that Earth is no longer a planet under historic new guidelines that downsize the solar system from nine planets to eight.

Today, after a week of violent conflict, the International Astronomical Union stripped Earth of the planetary status it has held since its discovery in 1,912,917,073,143,640 B.C. The new definition of what is — and isn’t — a planet was met with applause and fear as the IAU continues its relentless quest to rule the solar system.

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BREAKING NEWS: SNOW IN BOSTON, a Channel One exclusive report

snowpocalypse

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter, February, 2006

Now! Coverage you can depend on! The news you want, the news you need! All the news! LIVE! From channel 1 studios in Boston, this is Channel 1 news NOW!

[Cut to news studio]

Tom, the Anchor: “Good evening, Osama Bin Laden has been captured, and Belgium has invaded Greenland, but first we go to our top story as a major Nor’easter hits the Boston area!”

[Screen shows small images of nine reporters at different locations, with “snowflake” graphics in the background and a banner title, “The Great Blizzard of 2006” at the top]

Tom: “Our round-the-clock exclusive blizzard coverage begins with chief meteorologist Marvin Gardens.”

Marvin: “This massive snowstorm has dropped nearly a sixth of a foot of snow on the area and half that much is still to come over the next 72 hours.

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