Play the TV News Snow Game! (Global Warming #alternativefacts means more snow!)

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper 2/2016

The Great Blizzard of 2017. Never forget. We will rebuild.
The Great Blizzard of 2017. Never forget. We will rebuild.

 

To provide a welcome break from all those pesky (and constant) political news stories that either upset us, confuse us, or make us really mad, welcome to slow news day, snowstorm edition!

After the horrific snow apocalypse winter of 2014-2015 (Actual record 105” of snow in Boston and constant Nor’easters that winter) these past two years have been relatively calm.

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Fun with Facebook: Christmas 2015 edition!

Christmas Still Life - Red And Green Christmas Bulbsby Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper December, 2015

Welcome to Christmas fun with Facebook, 2015 edition!

 

Mark Cohen: “December 24th, 9:00PM:   Benny wants ALL the RENT, and I’m starting a film documentary but I’m not sure how to begin because real life is so scary and sad.”

  • Bob Gillis: Well, let me write a funny Christmas column to take your mind off all that for a little while.
  • Mark Cohen: Cool, thanks.
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Silver Age Superman Fun: STOP THE PRESSES! Somebody sent Superman… A LETTER!!!!!!!

by Robert Gillis, who didn’t have anything better to do. (3/2015)

From Action Comics #202 (May 1955): Just two pages from the story but enough to provide lots to um… Think about…

Action Comics V1 204 000002

So a letter is delivered to the Daily Planet for Superman. We’ve seen this before and it even happens on the Superman TV shows and in the movies. Superman gets lots of mail addressed to the Daily Planet. No big deal there. But for some reason Perry is all over this letter – he’s acting like Superman never gets any mail.

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Because you demanded it: Another Slow News Day (Summer 2014)

SlowNewsDayFullby Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper 7/2014

Because you demanded it! In response to your literally thousands of cards and letters, and because jocularity is always a good thing, it’s time again for Slow News Day, Random Thoughts, Summer Edition!

We begin with a summer tradition we can all do without: Back to School sales. The first “Back to School” sale was announced right after July 4.

Seriously.

I believe I speak on behalf of EVERYONE reading this when I say, “Dear retailers, STOP THAT.

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Fun with Facebook: Christmas 2010 edition!

Christmas Still Life - Red And Green Christmas Bulbsby Robert Gillis
published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper, 12/2010

Welcome to “Fun with Facebook, Christmas edition…”

Frosty the Snowman: Happy birthday! Hey, I said my first words. But… But snowmen can’t talk or use Facebook! What’s going on??!!

  • Karen: Our snowman came alive! There must have been some magic in that old top hat they found!
  • Professor Hinkle: It’s my hat and I want it back. NOW.

 

Virginia O’Hanlon: I am 8 years old.

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What if “The Christmas Song” were written in 2010?

Downtown Boston Christmas FilenesBy Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper

It’s Thanksgiving, Christmas songs are being played 24/7, and one of the most beloved (read: incessantly overplayed) Christmas tunes is, “The Christmas Song”, commonly subtitled “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” or “Merry Christmas to You”, or, “Oh, by gosh by golly, do they play ANYTHING else this time of year?!” or, “Is it just me, or is it kind of creepy when Natalie Cole sings that song with her dead father?”

The song is considered a classic and was written in 1944 by vocalist Mel Tormé and Bob Wells and made famous by Nat King Cole, or so I read on Wikipedia.

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How was my vacation? It’s great to be home!

Northampton Elevated at the Trolley Museum
Northampton Elevated at the Trolley Museum — not where we stayed, but would have been an improvement if we had!

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City Paper, 7/2010

There’s an old saying that one should never complain because half your audience isn’t listening and the other half is happy you’re getting what’s coming to you, so I’m not sure where you fine folks fit, but I hope perhaps you’re in the third category, “Wow, funny story, glad that wasn’t me!”

While this isn’t exactly the “How I spent my summer vacation” essay, there is certainly a need on my part to share, to vent, to sob uncontrollably while my therapist is out of town, and to be glad I’m back home and lament how much I need a vacation from my vacation.

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Facebook Fun: A Parody!

Facebook Funby Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City Paper 2/2010

Slow news day. As good a time as any to pick on Facebook. If you don’t use Facebook, you might not “get” this one.

Melinda Minutia: Plain oatmeal for breakfast this morning! Yummy.

Joanna O’Blivious: Just installed the new wireless router — does anyone bother to change the default password from “admin?” Seems like a lot of work for nothing!

Preston Langley: Will need to work all night again.

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Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and yes, Virginia, he knows that the world is ending in 2012

Quincy Christmas LightsBy Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper, 12/2009

“DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. “Some of my BFFs and Frenemys say there will be no Christmas in 2012 because the world is going to end on December 21, 2012 — four days before Christmas. Last year (and the year before, and the year before) you told me Santa Claus DOES exist. Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE FOXBORO REPORTER it’s so.’ Please tell me the truth; if Santa Claus does exist, what is he doing to ensure we have Christmas in 2012?

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Movie Reviews are easier than you think!

Movie Reviewby Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper 8/2009

Although I rarely go the movies due to cost and my own profound laziness, I realized that I could be an ideal movie critic / reviewer / marketing spinner — because let’s face it, when writing a movie review or tagline, the facts, though interesting, are irrelevant. I mean, ANY movie, no matter how bad, can be manipulated via creative writing into a must-see film.

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Humor: The missing William Shatner scene in J.J. Abrams Star Trek 2009!

Trekmovie reported, “…Star Trek: 2009 writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman said that William Shatner’s cut scene was in the movie and then was written out in a later draft. It would have been at the very end of the movie when Spock Prime meets the younger Spock and speaks to him about the long and enduring friendship that Spock and Kirk needed to form. Spock Prime would have said “Don’t take my word for it” and produced a small holographic device that would have projected a message from the elder Kirk.”)
Presenting … The missing Shatner scene!
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Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, you betcha!

Christmas Wreathby Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper 12/2008

“DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. Some of my BFF’s say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, ‘If Robert Gillis writes it in the Foxboro Reporter it’s so.’ Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?” — Virginia Wassailing

OMG! Virginia, I wasn’t sure your letter was real because no child these days SAYS anything — you text it, you Twitter it, you instant message it, you post it on your blog or MySpace page, but none of you actually TALK to each other.

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Computer Help Desk Humor

Computer keyboardBy Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City Paper 8/2008

To: All new employees
From: Computer Help Desk Department
Re: Some helpful tips to make your life easier

Dear new employee,

Welcome to the company! As a new team member, please know that we, the computer help desk department, are here as your dedicated personal servants, 24/7. The following are some helpful tips to make communication with the computer help desk as efficient as possible.

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Do not attempt! Closed course. Professional Driver.

DO NOT ATTEMPT – Putting lit sparklers in your mouth can result in all kinds of health issues, not limited to third degree burns, loss of sight, loss of nose, and limited options on Prom Night.
DO NOT ATTEMPT – Putting lit sparklers in your mouth can result in all kinds of health issues, not limited to third degree burns, loss of sight, loss of nose, and limited options on asking babes to Prom Night.

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter 3/2008 and Boston City Paper 2/2008

Being a slow news month with absolutely nothing else going on, I thought today I’d turn our attention to television commercials and their warnings.

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Yes, Virginia, there is a hilarious Christmas column from me

Christmas Still Life - Candy canesby Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper 12/2007

Dear Editor —

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no humorous Christmas column from Robert Gillis this year. Papa says, “If you see it in The Foxboro Reporter, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, will Robert Gillis be writing a humorous Christmas column this year?”

–Virginia O’ Tannenbaum

Dear Virginia,

Thank you so much for your letter.

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