RobertXGillis

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper, 7/2012

Mmmmm. Patriotic and a full serving of fruit!

Back by popular demand! Slow news day, random thoughts, summer edition! And that means we throw the “organized, well structured” narrative style out the window. So if you’re having trouble following along, it’s you, not me.

Summer began on June 21, the Summer Solstice (an old Latin expression meaning, “School’s… out… for… the summer”) meaning we officially have less than six months until the end of the world! That’s right, sports fans, the Mayan-predicted Apocalypse arrives on December 21, 2012, so dig into those nachos and max out those credit cards NOW because touchdown is in less than five months!

Mmm, about credit cards… I’m really in a dilemma what to do about Christmas. I mean should I shop early or not bother? I mean, what’s the point if the world ends BEFORE the 25th? Maybe we should do the gift-giving earlier this year? And what do you give to the person whose planet is exploding?

Apocalypse or not, a sure sign of summer is that the cooking and kitchen magazines have the summer recipes and that fantastic picture of the American flag cake — you’ve seen it: white frosting, strawberries or raspberries for stripes, and blueberries for stars. I need to make one of those to show my patriotism, and let’s face it; the recipe contains my favorite ingredient: Food.

Speaking of food, you just cannot beat the taste of summer foods in their prime season: Plums, watermelon, peaches, raspberries, corn on the cob, frozen Charleston Chew bars, ice cold beer… — it’s all good!

I miss ice cream trucks. And Hoodsie Cups still taste better when eaten with the little wooden spoon. Resolve that this summer, you’ll eat all the ice cream you can; it’s got calcium for strong teeth and bones! Especially when covered in chocolate syrup and whipped cream.

That’s the excuse I give my doctor, anyway.

“Fenway Franks” may or not be your favorite dog, but it has been scientifically proven (Wikipedia) that they taste precisely one million times better while sitting at Fenway Park. Remember, Fenway on a summer night equals all kinds of awesome. Red Sox may win or lose, but Fenway is summer magic.

Also (shameless plug) the Foxboro Jaycees are offering another season of free summer concerts on Foxboro Common every Thursday night featuring some pretty awesome talent; it’s a great way to spend a summer night right here in town. Bring a chair, a blanket, the kids, and enjoy the show!

And there are few greater summer pleasures than clams and hot dogs at Sullivan’s on Castle Island. I am consistently amazed what a perfect place the Island is to visit — great walking, great food, great scenery, girls in summer clothes…

Just like a TRANSFORMERS movie, but with far less robots blowing stuff up

Speaking of distractions, I saw some kids TEXTING during fireworks. Look, I understand that kids like to spend their entire lives in the virtual world, and not, you know, actually talk with other humans and all, but look UP once in a while, willya? The fireworks are really pretty, and there’s, you know, explosions and stuff, just like a “Transformers” movie, without the giant robots.

And stop taking pictures of fireworks with your cell phone! The quality stinks, they’re all blurry, and you’re wasting time and missing the show! If you DO want to take GOOD pictures of fireworks, use a real SLR camera, a secure tripod, ISO 100, F11, “bulb” mode, and experiment with the timing for proper exposure.

Damn, I just lost half my audience with that one. Here, this will help: Bumblebee is my favorite “Transformer.”

Speaking of movies, despite the need for a second mortgage in order to afford it, taking in a summer blockbuster — in a real movie theater on a big screen with a bucket of popcorn — is always a nice treat. This summer we’ve got Spider-Man, Batman: Dark Knight Rises; and next summer, Superman: Man of Steel and Star Trek… Hmmm, I’m sensing a theme to my movie tastes.

Speaking of theme, I try to read the Declaration of Independence and Constitution around this time every year — seriously, I really do. It’s compelling reading and it’s what we’re all about — if you get the chance, do it. These precious documents, crafted by people much smarter than us, are the blueprints for our country and they are inspirational reading and a nice thing to do as we celebrate our Independence… Damn, I just lost most of the kids reading this…

Aw, who am I kidding, they’re not reading this. They’re texting, “I’m bored, hmu.”

Still on the subject of Fourth of July (wait, were we?), every July 5th my grandmother, God rest her soul, would say that summer was over. Nana was a “glass half empty” sort of person, I guess, but it didn’t help that when she said it, we had been out of school for only like, a week.

Speaking of school, a plea to parents: Please let your kids relax a little this summer. They really DO work hard in school all year. When you make them paint the house, two coats should be fine. And make them wash the car only ONCE a week. And wait for a cooler day (say, under 98) to make them clean the attic, where temperatures can reach 400 degrees — in Kelvin. Oh, and be sure to take your teen-agers grocery shopping with you — they like nothing better than helping carry groceries, watch you decide which type of lettuce to buy… Look, kids, I’m sorry, but you’re going to blame your parents for everything in therapy years from now anyway, we need to get in a little payback while we still can.

Oh — and tell your teens to “chillax,” because kids LOVE it when you speak like their school friends.

Still speaking of school, please boycott any store that starts a “Back to School” sale in July. Despite having graduated college more than a few years ago, I still hate those summer “back to school” sales.

I mean, c’mon, summers are to be enjoyed! When I grew up in Dorchester, we knew it was summer because you’d hear firecrackers popping all the time, and we were outside from early morning until the street lights came on. And when I was a kid a sure sign of summer was Dad watching a Red Sox game, a nice breeze coming in, and the crickets chirping. Simple pleasures.

Summer music is awesome, and think about it — how many of YOUR favorite songs are “summer” songs? More than half, I’ll bet. I just did a computer search and found 100 songs with “summer” in the title. See? A silly column and you still learned something, you’re welcome.

Speaking of computers, let’s wrap up with an important summer safety tip — it’s obvious, but I keep seeing people doing it — stop announcing your vacation on Face Book BEFORE you go! Post the vaca pictures and updates when you are BACK HOME. Seriously, do you REALLY think burglars don’t read Face Book and can’t find your address in three seconds? Example post: “We’re off to California for three weeks!” Just brilliant! Why not post your alarm code as well and save the robber a few more seconds?

OK, on that note, I hope I gave everyone a laugh or two! Happy summer everyone!

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City paper 1/2012

Back by popular demand, and because we REALLY need some humor in the local news, slow news day, random thoughts, entertainment edition!

The New Year begins with the heartbreaking word that Katy Perry and Russell Brand are divorcing. My immediate and obvious question comes up — is she too young for me (27?). Probably. I mean, she’s adorable, I love her music and she doesn’t scare me.

Lady Ga Ga scares me. A lot. I like a few of her songs but she scares me. Then again, in a bar fight, I guess I’d want Lady Gaga and not Katy Perry backing me up. Then again, I haven’t been in many bar fights lately. So maybe Lady Gaga could do the fighting and Katy and I could go make out. Wait, did I just say that?

Speaking of bars, did you ever notice that on TV, the character walks into a bar and orders a beer. Not a Budweiser Light, not a Heineken, but a BEER. NO bartender ever asks, “What kind of beer?” or says, “We have 75 brews on tap,” they just give the customer a BEER. This never happens in real life.

On the same subject, sometime after Christmas I’m watching TV and a commercial of a beautiful Christmas tree comes up with a crowd gathered around it. The tagline says, “It doesn’t matter what’s on the tree, it’s what’s around it,” and it shows bottles of Jack Daniels whiskey around the tree. I busted out laughing. I just think it would be hilarious if the commercial ended more TRUTHFULLY with the words, “Jack Daniels whiskey: Ruining Christmases since 1846.”

Speaking of truth in advertising, a new commercial for a truck shows it SNOWBOARDING (or perhaps skiing) as it plunges down a snowy mountain, doing a barrel roll before safely landing at the bottom of the mountain. “DO NOT ATTEMPT!” is displayed on the bottom of the screen.

Do not attempt? Seriously? Really? You, mean, I shouldn’t SNOWBOARD my new truck (should I ever buy one) down Mount Attitash? Good Lord, even if I COULD find a way to get the truck UP the mountain, surely there are laws against this sort of behavior? What about the poor skiers? It’s enough they have to watch out for trees and other skiers, but plunging, barrel-rolling TRUCKS?

I mean imagine the funeral: “Did you hear about poor Jimmy? Got killed skiing.” / “Oh, did he hit a tree?” / “Nope, Ford-F50 got him.” / “Man, I hate those plunging, out of control trucks. They shouldn’t be allowed on the ski slopes.”

Thank God the disclaimer was displayed — because I was THIS CLOSE to heading up to the White Mountains and doing some serious truck-skiing. Wait, I don’t own a truck. I don’t even ski because I fall down a lot when I do. Anyway…

Back to TV and video: “Dear Netflix: Please stop writing to me. It’s been months; I haven’t changed my mind; we’re over. We had a good run, and maybe I’m going through a selfish phase right now, but your cavalier attitude your customers, your disregard for the economy, and your habit of often shipping unplayable disks just got annoying. Perhaps someday we’ll be friends again, but for now, just let me be. No hard feelings, OK?”

Speaking of that, I get a little sad when I see a shuttered video store. I always liked them. And kids today probably don’t know what, “Be kind, rewind” means. Farewell and goodbye, brick and mortar video stores, we hardly knew ye. On that note, the only time you hear the words “brick and mortar” these days is when an online store has forced a “regular” store to close.

Speaking of farewells, no one on TV ever says “Goodbye” when they end a cell phone call. Watch for it, it’s true; they have their conversation and just hang up. It’s really rude.

When critics hail an upcoming film as, “The best movie of the year,” it’s a good idea to remember this is JANUARY or FEBRUARY.

Speaking of quality cinema and its exact opposite, I have tried to watch Jersey Shore. I simply can’t do it. I can’t get through five minutes of an episode. I mean, I can literally feel my brain cells begin to scream and die. I just don’t understand the fascination with these frivolous people. I mean, I’m frivolous and often clueless, and you don’t see ME going to Italy on reality TV and writing million-dollar best-sellers about doing laundry, going to the gym, and tanning.

Even if a show is good, I think most TV shows should only go about seven years. Even the best shows, by seven years, start running out of story ideas, get tired, or hire Ted McGinley or Cousin Oliver. Seven seasons and done, I say. {cough} The Simpsons {cough}

Speaking of not knowing when to get off the stage, how exactly is it that stars like Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus can write autobiographies? I mean, if you’re going to tell your life story, don’t you have to, I dunno, LIVE more than 17 years first? I mean, your freshman year at high school just WASN’T that fascinating.

Speaking of social media (I wasn’t but work with me), here’s a generic FaceBook post you can use when you are out of ideas: ” I am 71242th in line to win a car, had scrambled eggs for breakfast, my beagle did the funniest thing yesterday, all our country’s problems are caused by immigrants from some foreign land or planet, today is the first day of the rest of your life or something, A Jolly Vindaloo Day to everyone, today is National Giraffe recognition day, here is a picture I took of {place}, great game yesterday by {local sports team}, and remember the words of St. Betty of Narnia, “We need more cowbell.”

In closing, I recently posted this on FaceBook, a quote I stole from John Wesley but one I think is a nice way to try to live your life: “Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can.” And I always add, “…And love will steer the stars.”

Slow news day. Hope I gave you a few laughs! Remember, keep smiling — we need more of that these days around here!

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Boston City Paper and Foxboro Reporter, 8/2011

Slow news day. Random thoughts.

In speaking about music, kids today do not know what a “B-Side” is.

Dear everyone in Boston: Here is an important tip – turning on your hazards while double parked does not create a magical force field around your car protecting it from the evil metermaids. It actually sends out a flashing, frantic “TOW ME! TOW ME!” distress call that is instantly answered!

Here are some things I don’t understand: 1) 25 people in line at Starbucks in the morning, waiting 15-20 minutes to buy COFFEE. 2) Particle physics. 3) Women. 4) Standing in a line for days in New York to buy the latest version of a PHONE. 4) Cold fusion. 5) The appeal of the Twilight book/movie saga. 6) Women. 7) Humanity in general.

Something that was great about the good old days? You never lost your telephone ever because it was CONNECTED TO THE WALL!

Want to really fry someone’s brain? When they call YOU on your phone, answer the phone as follows: “Hi, I’d like to order a pizza.” I don’t know why but this causes a complete mental meltdown. The caller is confused. “Wait – didn’t I call someone? Why is someone calling ME asking for a pizza?” Their brain literally freezes. Try it – it’s fun!

Dear Face Book Farmville players: You DO understand you are spending REAL money on IMAGINARY livestock, right?

Whatever happened to MySpace.com?

When I was your age, we had NINE planets. No “dwarf planets” for us, no sir!

On an unrelated note, I know you weren’t the one who got Penny in trouble. When I’m wrong I say I’m wrong.

The evidence that the universe is out to get you is not all that compelling – could it be the problem is YOU?

Be nice to the janitors and housekeeping in your building. Their work is actually MORE important than yours. Don’t believe me? Try getting along without them. Be nice to them. They’re good folks! Also, always be nice to people who are preparing your food.

I only read Cosmo to see how to get my crush to notice me. And to get my best summer look now!

You know that advice they give newly married couples about never going to bed angry? GO TO BED. Trust me on this: NO ONE gets MORE REASONABLE at 3:30am. Go to sleep.

Here’s an odd but true fact: Someday, there will be an “oldies radio station playing Justin Bieber music. On that day in the 2030s, the children of today’s teens will mock their parents for listening to such un-cool music.

Speaking of the 2030s, it’s almost 2015 – where are the flying cars? Where are the jet packs?

On “American Idol,” Simon Cowell often said a song sounded like, “Bad Karaoke. “ Isn’t that redundant?

Have recently watched a dozen or so episodes of “America’s Got Talent,” I must conclude, “No, we do not.”

Want to really fry someone’s brain part two: When someone says hello, look at them with a shocked expression, and say, “How can you be so hurtful to me?”

Does anyone “gallivant” anymore?

Forget the marketing — to me, those breakfast cereals will always be SUGAR Smacks, SUGAR Crisp and SUGAR Pops.

Oh, the diet thing, yeah… About that. Um, yeah…

Speaking of movies (we weren’t, but work with me here), let’s talk suspension of disbelief. You watch a Superman movie and you accept a guy can fly and shoot fire from his eyes. You watch Star Trek and accept transporters and warp speed. You watch Harry Potter and accept magic, wizards and witches. You watch “Independence Day” and accept extraterrestrials arriving from a world thousands of light years away in 15 mile long spaceships, defying all sorts of laws of physics as they nuke half the Earth.

BUT — Watch “Independence Day” and when Jeff Goldbloom uses his laptop to plant a virus into the extraterrestrial computer…   Sorry, suspension of disbelief = snapped. NO WAY. The aliens use the same TCPIP protocol as us? Were the aliens using RS-232, or token ring or Ethernet? The aliens use compatible frequency ranges? Not a chance. Just TOO unbelievable. I mean, I can’t get a Windows XP program to work in Vista, they’re both from the same vendor from the same company on the same media on the same disk. I can’t get my DVR remote to work with my cable remote, and Goldbloom is hacking technology built in another galaxy by extremely advanced aliens with his 1996-era laptop? Sorry, no. Just… NO.

You know what’s a real sad commentary on our time? Going to a gas station, seeing that gas is $3.65 a gallon, and thinking, “Wow, so cheap!” That is so very sad.

I am consistently amazed by the sheer number of hilarious skateboard accidents on YouTube. Personal favorite is the guy who skateboarded off the roof of the house. Yeah, that was going to end well.

I still need more cowbell.

Finally, we’ve endured a lot in Foxboro these last few years, with battles over many important issues and lines being drawn on all sides, but there’s one thing we can all agree on – the great taste of ice cream. I have a personal goal of trying EVERY flavor at Crescent Ridge this summer. I believe in realistic and achievable goals.

Slow news day, sigh.

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper 5/2011

What if they gave an apocalypse and no one noticed?

For months, we’d seen the billboards – Global earthquakes, the Rapture, and end-of-the-world May 21, 2011 at 6:00pm!

Sue and I spent our presumably last day on Earth walking a beach that Saturday afternoon; the sky was foggy and the seagulls were quiet – certainly harbingers of global doom. Animals just know when the end is coming.

We hit a local clam box where we were amused to see that NBC had a countdown to the end of the world, and began to enjoy our last Earthbound meal with our server, who introduced herself as, “Your Judgment Day waitress, I’m also available for confessions.”

And I nearly busted a gut when the elderly couple at the next table ordered Southern Comfort, neat.

As expected, 6pm came and went, which led to discussions of why the we didn’t feel the Earthquake from other time zones who’d already reached 6pm – or what about Arizona, did the prophecy factor in daylight savings time? Ohhhh, it was CALIFORNIA time. Rigggghhht.

Look, for many of us, the end of the world just isn’t that big a deal anymore. Remember that the world was predicted by many cultures to end in 2000? Because as mysterious as the universe is, it works in base ten and loves round numbers. And of course there was the planetary alignment in 1979 that was supposed to throw the solar system off balance. And the tragedy of the cult that so believed a spaceship followed comet Hale-Bopp that they committed suicide in preparation for the end of days. And let’s not forget the Asteroid designated 1997 XF11 that will pass within 30,000 miles of Earth in 2028 before making a leisurely return pass in 2037.

And finally, as we all know, the big “kaboom” day is supposed to be December 21, 2012. According to extensive research and informed sources (Wikipedia) The Mayan Prophecy is 120% accurate. On December 21, 2012, we can definitely expect unprecedentedly gigantic solar flares causing the continents to shift, the rise of the machines, a nearby supernova, the explosion of the black hole at the center of our galaxy, a gamma ray burst, asteroids / meteors / comet impacts, a massive extraterrestrial invasion, a magnetic pole shift, a new ice age, the previously invisible 12th planet Nibiru smashing into Earth, or just a normal day where nothing much happens at all. Everyone on Earth is unanimous in their opinion that one of these scenarios will definitely occur that day.

Look, my problem with Harold Camping, a radio host and leader of an obscure Christian movement, who’d proclaimed that the world would end on May 21 is not for his faulty prediction and scaring the hell out of a lot of people. I know nothing about him except he seems sincere in his beliefs, and good for him trying to get the word out.

My complaint is that he made it very clear that the “Saved” would only number 200,000 and would not include gays. Or Muslims. Or Hindus. Or ANYONE that had not been born again. Or pets. Or children.

I know many people who are not born again, are Hindu, Muslim, or gay. I know folks of many faiths and persuasions. Camping’s exclusions hardly seem fair. Hell, you cannot predict an Armageddon where only 200,000 out of six and half billion people get saved, but an enormous majority of our best citizens and their beloved cats and dogs don’t get saved. And what about all the dead people? I mean, it’s just not fair. The odds stink.

At this writing (May 23) Camping now predicts the end for OCTOBER 21. As my favorite uncle is fond of saying, “Well, good luck with that.”

Wait, I just thought of this — what if – work with me here — suppose one scientist, somewhere on Earth, realized the planet was doomed, and launched his son in a rocket to another planet like Superman. Boy, is that scientist going to be mad. His wife is going to kick his butt to the curb when she realizes dad sent junior into space. Not to mention that the baby will have SERIOUS abandonment issues once he makes it to Mars and finds our Earth didn’t explode.

Well, we’re all still here so let me end with this – if the world is going to end, so be it. Frankly, I’m pretty tired and could use the rest. Also, for the 6 billion “unworthies” minus 200,000 folks on the “saved list,” there really isn’t much we can do expect have a drink, dig into the nachos and enjoy the show.

Happy post-judgment day to all! Let’s do it again on October 21!