Superman | RobertXGillis

I won the Superman Homepage Caption Contest Again!

28. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Superman, Superman Homepage

This is kind of fun — there’s no prize involved, but I won the “Caption Contest” on the Superman Homepage several times The Superman Homepage is THE site on the net for all things Superman: Comics, TV, Movies, and so much more. I can honestly say there is no better place on the web if you love Kal-El.

One of the monthly features (besides all the news, podcasts, reviews, and far, far more) includes posting a silly Superman picture and inviting readers to post humorous captions.

Check out the site; it’s excellent.

http://www.supermanhomepage.com

Winner, April 2013:

robertgillis:
Superman II: The Mr. Mxyzptlk Cut

Runners-Up:

robertgillis:
Post-production on the film has wrapped, and Pink Floyd is working on the musical score.

August 2012 winner:
robertgillis:
Believe it or not, there was a time when comic book fans were considered NOT cool.

A runner up also

robertgillis:
Stan, Cartman, Kyle and Kenny go to Comic Con

May 2012 winner:
robertgillis:
Cop: “I dunno, from the looks of them I’ll bet ten dollars they’re from Los Angeles.”

A runner up also

robertgillis:
Superman: “Pink.”
Cop: “You’re making me uncomfortable.”

March 2012 winner:
robertgillis:
The “Adventures of Superman” drinking game: Drink every time they used stock footage. Drink whenever Jimmy does something foolish. Drink whenever Perry shays Grrat Ceasars ggghost. Drinkk wheneber Clark sez, “Now wait just a minute!” Drunk, I mean drink whenbber somebuddy shhots at sooperman. Drink when ever when ever they recyclelelel the plot fromanother eppysode. Drrinnnn need sleep mmmmmmm

December 2011 winner:
robertgillis:
“Mommy, mommy! Frisky was stuck in a tree! This dog swooped from the sky and ate him!”

Runners-Up:

robertgillis:
Superman Dog: “No, I just put on a pair of glasses and slick my ears back and I look like a completely different dog.”

February 2011 winner:

robertgillis:
Unlike many fan-made Superman costumes, Nicholas Cage actually wears a uniform created from the blankets found in the spaceship that brought him to Earth.

December 2010 winner:

robertgillis:
Post 1: The “S” is too small.
Post 2: “The cape is too thin.”
Post 3: “The belt is wrong.”
Moderator: “So THAT’s what having the Internet in the 1950s would have been like!”

September 2010 winner:

robertgillis:
Jonathan: “Don’t feel guilty about the whole time-travel, exchanging my life for Lana. I’m sure you two kids are married and have started a family by now!”
Clark: “Yeahhh… Um, funny story…”

Runners-Up:

A special mention goes out to robertgillis for more REALLY GOOD captions.

robertgillis:
Jonathan: “Yes, Clark, it’s me. The guy who died was Henry Jonathan Kent.”

robertgillis:
Jonathan: “Son, I want to say I am very proud of you.”
Clark: “Thanks, Dad.”
Jonathan: “But I’m not.”

August 2010 Winner:

robertgillis:
Superman: “Sorry, Clark, in the new JMS storyline, I won’t need you for a long time.”
Clark: “Why are you carrying me to this cliff?”
Superman: “No reason.”

May 2010 Winner:

robertgillis:
We later find out this is Henry Perry White, Henry Lois Lane and Henry Martha Kent

April 2010 Winner:

robertgillis:
My son… You do not remember me. I am Marlon Brando. I’m your father. By now I will have reached my 400th pound, as it is measured on Earth.

December 2009 Winner:

robertgillis:

Dear Editor, I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Superman. Papa says, “If you see it on the Superman Homepage it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Superman? — Virginia O’Hanlon

Click here for my runner-ups

Silver Age Jimmy Olsen sillyness!

20. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Comic Books, Parody, Superman

by Robert Gillis
Who had nothing better to do this afternoon

While the Silver Age really didn’t begin until 1956 or so, this cover from Jimmy Olsen #3 (1954) is still too good not to share and should fan the flames for the conspiracy theorists!

Is this cover really the first concept art sketch for the 2006 film “Superman Returns,” created some 52 years early? A mentally well-balanced person was not available to me, so I decided to review this myself and say, unequivocally, YES.

Even though Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth and James Marsden (not to mention director Bryan Singer) hadn’t even been born yet, a reasonable person acting prudently MUST assume that the only possible answer is that Curt Swan, who penciled this cover, was even more awesome than we all knew (and he was REALLY awesome) and he was was OBVIOUSLY hired to start work on the film that would be released some 52 years later.

52. Hmmm.

Anyway, let’s look at the scene from Superman Returns, where Superman rescues Lois Lane, Richard White, and Jason White as the Yacht Gertrude sinks.

Superman rescues Lois, Richard and Jason from the sinking Yacht Gertrude, Superman Returns, 2006

Now let’s look at the cover of Jimmy Olsen #3, excuse me, the film’s pre-concept sketch. This may have been from a first draft of Superman Returns, as there are SOME differences (it’s a submerged car instead of a boat) and Jimmy Olsen is present, rescuing what appears to be Krypto. Also, the change to a yacht may have been made after advances in CGI in the late 1950s after the reverse-engineering of the crashed Roswell UFO made that technology available to all.

The cover of Jimmy Olsen #3 from 1954 is OBVIOUSLY a pre-concept sketch of this pivitol scene from Superman Returns

But, as the Kryptonian elder Vond-Ah said in Superman: The Movie, “The facts are undeniable.” Look closely — this is OBVIOUSLY pre-concept work for Superman Returns.

We have Superman rescuing Lois (clearly brown-haired Kate Bosworth, even wearing the Pulitzer Prize dinner dress as she did in that scene, and looking disdainfully at Superman, as she did in most scenes in the film), Richard White (played in 1954 by Elvis Presley, who seems QUITE taken with Superman — this may explain the King’s later fascination with Captain Marvel Junior capes) and of course the kid who would later be renamed Jason — since this was the 1950s, we have to assume that the kid was not related to Superman or Lois, as they were not married so having a child would have been impossible.

Early casting for the movie, apparently, would have included Bob Hope, who was in his prime then, as Lex Luthor. (Top left of the cover). Of course, the guy with the camera could have also been an early version of the guy who was filming everything Lex Luthor was doing in Superman Returns. Given Bob Hope’s groundbreaking television work, this makes sense. Especially if you’re smoking crack.

Now, I know all movies go through some sort of “development hell.” but man, to plan a movie for over 52 years, that’s rough.

Hmmm, 52…

Ah, the pre-Silver age, how I love you!

I was a runner-up on the caption contest on Superman Homepage :)

24. July 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: Superman, Superman Homepage

This is kind of fun — there’s no prize involved, but I was a runner-up on the Superman Homepage several times…

In addition too being the most comprehensive and best Superman site in the world, each month they post a silly Superman picture and invite readers to post humorous captions.

Check out the site; it’s excellent. http://www.supermanhomepage.com

robertgillis:

Lex: “I am called… The Blur!”
Superman: “You can’t use that name.”
Batman: “Because it’s stupid.”
Superman: “I was going to say it was taken, but stupid works just as well.”

robertgillis:
Kal-El: “Daddy, why is a monkey crawling into my spaceship?”
Jor-El: “That’s just Beppo, my son. We will retcon him later.”

robertgillis:
Superman-Black: “Dude, it’s been four hours, you really should see a doctor.”

robertgillis:
Crisis on Earth 1/2

robertgillis:

Superman: “And in the third movie, I develop a drinking problem.”
Iron Man: “Way ahead of you.”

robertgillis:
Lara: “My son, consider, once it is done you will become an ordinary man. You can be hurt like an ordinary man. You will grow fat, like an ordinary man.”

robertgillis:
If Tim Burton made a Superman movie in 2010

robertgillis:
Peter: “Sorry, I was looking for the Fortress of Baileytude.”

robertgillis:
Little Girl: “Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth?”
Superman: “So help me Rao.”

robertgillis:
General Lane: “Clark, do you like movies about Turkish prisons?”

robertgillis:
The next time someone asks if you’re a god, YOU SAY YES!!!!!

robertgillis:
TV announcer: “We now project Lex Luthor has won the 2012 presidential election. Wait — Florida is too close to call. Wait — Florida has just been vaporized. We now project Lex Luthor has won the 2012 presidential election”

Two runners up this time

robertgillis:
Superman: “37?”
Lois: “37.”
Superman: “In a row???!!!!!”

robertgillis:
This is no fantasy. No careless product of wild imagination. I ask you now to pronounce judgment on those accused. On this… This mindless TV movie, whose only means of entertaining are wanton canon-violation and bad musical numbers. And on the woman Leslie Anne Warren, whose unreasoning hatred of any fashion sense has threatened even the children of the Planet Hollywood. Finally, David Wilson. Chief architect of this intended revolution and author of this insidious plot to ruin a generation’s version of Superman!

robertgillis:
Lex in Stewie Griffin voice: “I’ve been gone for three years but look at the bright side Clark, now you’ve been able to work on that… Superman thing. You know, becoming Superman… Been working on that for quite some time now.” [Voice gets higher] “Got, a nice costume, do you? Some red and blue? A cape?” [Voice gets higher] “Been, flying around, saving people openly? You know, FLYING? Not wallowing around in angst anymore? [Voice gets higher] Give the papers something new to write about… Keep the readers guessing?” [Voice gets higher] “Everyone learns that the hero’s journey isn’t always a happy one?” [Voice returns to normal] “I look forward to seeing it.”

robertgillis:
Clark: “So, you’re a werewolf, and you live in Boston with a ghost and Doomsday?”
Jimmy: “In this continuity, he’s a vampire.”

robertgillis:
Clark: “In Action Comics #900, I renounced my citizenship.”
Jimmy: “Oh my God!”
Clark: “April fool! It was just a one-shot story with no follow up, ever.”
Jimmy: “Yeah, speaking of that, meet Jason…”

robertgillis:
The Superman III drinking game: You take a drink every time something that was SUPPOSED to be funny is NOT. At this poinnnnnn in theeheh mmmoooovviueeeeeee yoooouuuseeeee seee that Ric Richard Pry Pror is iz ripping off his the shirt because I love you man can I get another round?

robertgillis:
Superman: “Don’t worry Mom, Dad, this Mephisto guy said everything will be fine come September.”

robertgillis:
Superman: “And Jor-El said, I had to live as a mortal man. So we got married and then I ignored her for 20 years.”

robertgillis:
Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s OH MY GOD IT’S COMING RIGHT AT US! RUN! RUN!

robertgillis:
Tonight on “Jeffrey Taylor’s Nightmares…”

robertgillis:
Mr. McTavish: “Ben Affleck?”
George: “No, but I get that a lot.”

robertgillis:
Blue Clark: “So future boy, who’s president in 2017?”
Future Clark: “Lex Luthor.”
Blue Clark: “Lex Luthor? The Actor?”

robertgillis:
Future Clark: “Henry Clark Kent. Nice to meet you.”

robertgillis:
Future Clark: “Myself… You do not remember me. I am Clark Kent – the way he’s supposed to be. By now you will have reached your 24th year. By that reconing, Smallville will have been creatively dead for thousands of years.”

robertgillis:
Storekeeper: “Sorry, I mistook you for Tom Welling but you’re wearing a Superman costume. My mistake.”

robertgillis:
Superman guy: “Hey Annie, give me another plate of that garbage.”
Storekeeper: “Garbage? That’s my number one special!”

robertgillis:
Wait – wasn’t Linda Danvers just eating that same ice cream cone?

robertgillis:
Steve Younnis: “Sorry everyone, but so many people requested this young lady’s phone number that the comments section crashed. Please resubmit your comment again.”

robertgillis:
There’s kinky, there’s erotic, there’s just plain wrong, and then there’s… THIS.

robertgillis:
Bull: “Yeah, A BIG, FLOWING, ***RED*** CAPE! Really smart, there, Superman. Just brilliant.”

robertgillis:
Michael: “How many comments did Gillis put in this time?”
Jeffrey: “Only twenty-two this time.”
Michael: “Not enough, he has to do as least fifty for a pity vote!”

robertgillis
Don’t call me Superboy!

robertgillis
Batman: “Hello, hello, anybody home? Think, Kent! Think! Can you imagine if I handed in the reports to Wayne Enterprises is YOUR handwriting? I’d get fired! You wouldn’t want thet, WOULD YOU????”
Superman: “Gulp, ah, of course not Bruce…”

robertgillis:
Superman: “Those lapels! That hair! The bell bottoms! You people look ridiculous!”

robertgillis:
Lois: “Now, remember, this is the 1940s. World War II. Gritty realism. Life and Death. Now let’s go do a story on the mechanical monsters!”

robertgillis:
The next time someone asks if you’re a Kryptonian, YOU SAY YES!

robertgillis:
Zod: “I said Time Out! What part of that do you not understand?”
Superman: “You’re destroying Smallville.”
Zod: “And I need to catch my breath. So time out!”

Click here for my wins

More Silver Age Comics fun with Lois Lane!

19. January 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: Comic Books, Superman

by Robert Gillis
1/2012

What was so special about the silver age of comic books? Read about it HERE
(Click any image to enlarge)

Another slow news day so I thought we’d have even more fun with some gems from the Silver Age of Lois Lane comic books.

Lois Lane #80: Surprise! A birthday party for Lois! And just like in real life in the 1960s, the adults wear children’s tiny party hats (so we know it’s a birthday party) and there’s Lucy Lane, once again dressed in her freaking stewardess outfit. She’s not in the military, why is she always wearing that damn thing? And wow, “We went all out and created a photo-mural of your greatest scoops!” Yeah, it’s a LOT of trouble to clip out SIX newspaper stories and scotch-tape them to cardboard when you work at a NEWSPAPER.

Here’s a great gem the next issue, Lois Lane #81. Lois Lane suspects that this guy is working with organized crime so she fakes a call telling him to get rid of the evidence, which he does by {wait for it, wait for it} tearing it up and throwing it into the wastebasket. Maybe shredders weren’t invented back then but couldn’t he have lit a match to them or something? Important security tip, kids, if you’re a member of organized crime or selling codes to safe-crackers, and have evidence that could implicate you in mob crimes, the above method is NOT a way to security dispose of your secret papers. Especially if you have suddenly have a cleaning lady you’ve never seen before! (This guy probably disposes of his credit card receipts the same way: “I’ll just tear this Visa statement into six pieces, and throw them into the wastebasket, that way NO ONE will ever be able to ready my credit card number!”)

A common theme in Silver Age Superman stories was that Superman would drop off some incredibly dangerous item off at the Daily Planet before leaving on a mission with the admonishment, “Do not touch!” (Think apple tree in the Garden of Eden or Pandora’s Box). Invariably (i.e. EVERY TIME), Lois or Jimmy would then OPEN the box and all hell would break loose. In one, Jimmy unleashes a ray-gun that turns him into a giant turtle (really, Jimmy Olsen #53) and in countless others, Lois opens the box and things go wonky. Here’s a great example from Lois Lane #16, where Superman drops off the forbidden treasure, says “do not touch,” and Lois ignores him and ends up shooting Kryptonite out of her eyes. Her sister Lucy is on hand, this time wearing a DIFFERENT stewardess outfit. And when the hell did they get a dog? Oh, right, so Lois can use him as a seeing-eye dog later in the story. Riiiigggghhhhht.

Four issues earlier, in Lois Lane #12, after Lois learns a scientist is working on a formula to help people breath underwater, Lois decides it would be a great idea to become a mermaid so she drinks an experimental solution. “I hope it tastes good,” she says. Lois, you’re drinking an EXPERIMENTAL formula that will fundamentally alter the way you BREATHE. I’d be more worried the scientist didn’t mislabel the Drain-O.

Ah, the silver age, making us more impetuous one issue at a time

Silver Age Comic Book Sillyness: Watch the skies!

07. December 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: Comic Books, Parody, Superman

by Robert Gillis
12/2011

What was so special about the silver age of comic books? Read about it HERE
(Click any image to enlarge)

Slow news day so I thought we’d have some more fun with some gems from the Silver Age of comic books.

From the cover of Batman #101 (August, 1956): Whoosh! Batman’s cape and cowl have blown off his head! Robin yells that that particular cape, “…contains a clue to your secret identity!”

Hey Robin, you know what ELSE contains a clue to Batman’s secret identity? THE FACT THAT BRUCE WAYNE IS STANDING ON A ROOFTOP IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WEARING A BATMAN COSTUME!

From the same issue and story, the cowl and cape is later found by Clark Kent. Proving he still doesn’t understand the whole “secret identity” thing, Robin blurts out, “SUPERMAN” as Batman says, “Clark Kent!” Way to go there, boy wonder. I mean, if Batman and Robin are on the street in DAYLIGHT certainly they’d attract attention, and Robin is standing there doing the, “HEY EVERYONE! THIS IS CLARK KENT, HE IS REALLY SUPERMAN!” shout-out. Hey Robin, why don’t you just frigging sky write it? That way people in Metropolis can see it!

Speaking of things in the sky…

Here’s an interesting sequence from Lois Lane #73 (1967). Clark Kent has been possessed by an alien and doesn’t know he is Superman. Jimmy Olsen, expert pilot, is attempting to land on the roof of the Daily Planet (which seems impossible given that the Daily Planet globe covers nearly the entire small roof and there’s no obvious helicopter landing zone in sight) but anyway, the controls freeze, Jimmy loses control of the helicopter and crashes it THROUGH THE BUILDING into the newsroom.

ONE PANEL LATER, “After Jimmy is taken to the hospital and the debris is cleared away…”

Does the staff relocate to a safer area of the building (you know, one without some plastic and cardboard blocking the massive hole in the wall on the 28th floor the HELICOPTER CRASH caused? I mean, there has to be a fire, ignited fuel, shredded metal and massive damage! What about all the people in the streets fleeing the razor-sharp helicopter blades that have likely shattered in every direction? Is the building even evacuated while the fire department checks that the building is safe after it was hit by a HELICOPTER????!!!!
Or do they rush to the hospital to see if Jimmy will even survive from CRASHING A FREAKING HELICOPTER THROUGH A BUILDING?

NOPE.

Nope, they just call housekeeping to grab a dustpan, sweep up the helicopter, and it’s back to business. The show must go on and the intrepid reporters get their next urgent assignment – go judge the “Miss Pretzel” beauty contest. Yep — just another example of: a) the hard hitting journalism the Daily Planet was known for; and b) a perfect example of how Perry White would not recognize a great news story if it crashed into his office. Literally. I’ve read this story several times and the helicopter crash seems to serve no other purpose than to call attention to Jimmy’s signal watch (which only appears one more time and is not key to the story). Jimmy isn’t even mentioned in this story after the crash. Maybe the staff just sent a card and flowers. After all, the Daily Planet has to keep covering these important news stories — such as the Miss Pretzel contest.

By the way, don’t worry; in the very next issue Jimmy is flying the copter again (seriously!). I know, I was hoping the crash would have killed Jimmy, too.

Perry White must hate Jimmy as much as the rest of us, because just 12 issues before, in Lois Lane #61, Lois is exposed to a radioactive explosion that turns her into a lizard (don’t ask) and Perry tells Jimmy:

Oh, and by the way, thanks for reminding us Lucy Lane is a stewardess, Jimmy. We would never know that since she ONLY wears the stewardess outfit EVERYWHERE.

Moving on…

In Lois Lane #74 (May, 1967) Lois is having her own adventures on Earth while the entire Justice League is having a meeting on a faraway planet. At the meeting, Superman correctly points out that the team should speed up their discussion since EARTH IS UNPROTECTED with the ENTIRE JUSTICE LEAGUE in a meeting. But Flash dings Superman for not following parliamentary proceedings and Robert’s Rules of Order. What would be nice to see: “There’s a motion on the floor and it’s been seconded to hit Flash in the head with his stupid little gavel a million times. All in favor? Motion carries.”

Interestingly, the JLA is negotiating a planetary treaty to set up a new asteroid prison for space criminals. I didn’t know they did this sort of thing; I would think that other planets would have their own laws about how to handle space criminals, but whatever. Anyway, speaking of exiling criminals to asteroids, maybe that’s where Superman came up with this idea:

In Action Comics #373 (April, 1969), Once again Superman proves he is a total dipshit. Supergirl tells Krypto, the dog who cannot talk (except for that one time with the cosmic meteor), about her existence, so Superman, as always, overreacts ridiculously and EXILES SUPERGIRL to a barren ASTEROID FOR A YEAR. He doesn’t even build a rocket ship; he just makes a plastic tube and THROWS her there. His teenage cousin, who didn’t do anything bad, is exiled to a frigging ASTEROID for A YEAR because she revealed her secret existence to a DOG. A DOG!

Even though all of this is part of an elaborate ruse on Superman’s part (to see if Supergirl would obey his orders, sheesh) and Supergirl returns shortly thereafter, I’d pay real money for Supergirl to say, “You’re not the boss of me, Kal-El!” and then kick him in the jimmies and go announce her existence to the world. I mean, by this time in the comics, everyone on Earth knew Superman was not the only survivor of Krypton: There was Krypto, there was Beppo the super-monkey, countless Phantom Zone villains, the bottle city of Kandor (population 10 million, seriously) and other folks from Krypton stopping by for meatloaf every Tuesday. So what if people knew that a Supergirl existed? What in the world was the big deal?

Imagine Superman as a father:

Superman’s son: “Oops! Sorry I spilled that orange juice, dad.”

Superman: “Your carelessness displeases me! Death to you!” {Massive heat vision zap!}