Fun with Facebook: Christmas 2015 edition!

Christmas Still Life - Red And Green Christmas Bulbsby Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper December, 2015

Welcome to Christmas fun with Facebook, 2015 edition!

 

Mark Cohen: “December 24th, 9:00PM:   Benny wants ALL the RENT, and I’m starting a film documentary but I’m not sure how to begin because real life is so scary and sad.”

  • Bob Gillis: Well, let me write a funny Christmas column to take your mind off all that for a little while.
  • Mark Cohen: Cool, thanks.
  • The town of Foxboro and 24 others like this.

 

Santa Claus: “I know when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake. I know EVERYTHING.”

  • The NSA, CIA and 19 secret government organizations like this
  • Zack Emo: Creepy!
  • Kaylie Brittney: Enough surveillance!
  • Ophelia TwilightRain: I need to clear my internet cache now!
  • The ACLU: Santa, we need to talk.

 

Virginia O’Hanlon: “I’m eight and my friends say there’s no Santa Claus.”

  • Zack Emo: Virginia, we’ve talked about this — you’re over 50 years old. You need therapy.
  • Kaylie Brittney: SHUT up Zack. Yes, sweetie, Santa exists!
  • Rudolph the red nosed reindeer: Oh, he exists, and he’s always grumpy, he doesn’t even pay his elves minimum wage… Man, my TV special is so dark.

 

Ebenezer Scrooge: “Hey, it’s Christmas! I haven’t missed it! Looks like the spirits have done it all in one night!”

  • Bob Cratchit: I love spirits, especially Jack Daniels, and Grey Goose Vodka!
  • Mrs. Cratchit: He means GHOSTS, you doofus!
  • Scrooge: No, he’s right, I meant the booze. I’m a horrible boss.

 

Lucy Van Pelt: “I don’t mean to be cynical, but Christmas is a gigantic commercial racket run by a big eastern syndicate. But I’ll still try to have a Merry Christmas.”

  • Department stores: It’s December 24 and that means our Valentine’s Day sales have started!
  • Lucy Van Pelt: I hate you all.

 

Kevin McCallister: “I made my family disappear! I’m Home Alone at Christmastime!”

  • Kevin’s mother: KEVIN!
  • Thousands of people and hundreds of movie critics like this

 

Irving Berlin shared a post: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.”

  • Everyone in Boston: No! Boston got 108 inches of snow last year!
  • Foxboro: And we were always the jackpot zone with the most snow! No more!
  • Bob Gillis: It is never to snow again. Do you hear me, Rose? I forbid it.
  • Zack Emo: Who the beep is Rose?

 

Kevin McCallister: “I’m Home Alone again, this time in New York at Christmastime!”

  • Kevin’s mother: KEVIN!
  • Status update: Kevin’s mother is talking to the department of child safety and taking parenting courses
  • 400 people like this

 

 

Clement Clarke Moore shared a post: “…all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…”

  • Bob Rivers: I’m trying’ to rig up these lights! Where are the extension cords? Why are they blinking? FINE! YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!
  • Clement Clarke Moore: Um, as I saying… But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight…
  • George Bailey: My uncle lost $8000. My business is ruined. My kid is sick. My life is over. I’m going to go jump off a bridge.   #StupidBuildingAndLoan   #NeedAMiracle
  • Clark Griswald: Didn’t get the Christmas bonus, my perfect family Christmas is ruined…
  • Clement Clarke Moore: Meh. I hate you all.

 

Bart Simpson: “We got a dog for Christmas! His name is Santa’s little helper!”

  • Stewie Griffin: Dude — that was your first episode back in 1989.
  • The Grinch: After 26 seasons, NO ONE watches the Simpsons anymore.
  • Bart Simpson: No way man!   Who else watches the Simpsons? We’re a hit TV show!
  • *cricket* *cricket* *cricket*

 

Nat King Cole shared a post: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”

  • Frosty the snowman: Hope you have a permit.
  • Zack Emo: I’m allergic to peanuts.
  • Nat King Cole: Oh, didn’t know that. How about, turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright.
  • Ophelia TwilightRain: Turkey? I’m vegan. Tofu only.
  • Zack Emo: Mistletoe is a poison plant, man. Not cool.

 

Winter Warlock: “I’m mean! REALLY mean!”

  • Kris Kringle: Here’s a toy train.
  • Winter Warlock: I’m nice now. I’ll help you battle Burgermeister Meisterburger and save Christmas.
  • Hobson: You purchased a choo-choo? I’m very pleased.
  • Rudolph: Wow that was soooooooo easy. Y’know, on MY TV Christmas special, we tamed the abominable snowman monster by having Herbie the elf pull out all his teeth! Man, what a dark message to send to kids.
  • Zack Emo: Dude, you’re REALLY killing my memories of that show. [unfriend Rudolph]

 

Fred Gailey: “In court defending the guy who thinks he’s Santa. Your Honor, every one of these letters is addressed to Santa Claus, and the post office delivered them to this guy – my client — who claims to be Santa – which by my VERY CONVOLUTED “legal logic” means the whole government recognizes this guy — Kris Kringle to be Santa Claus! I rest my case!”

  • Judge Henry X. Harper: Uh, yeah, how do I put these in legal terms you can all understand? NO.
  • Fred Gailey: OK, full admission, I never went to law school.
  • Rudolph: Your honor, since we’re talking law, I’d like to file a lawsuit against Santa and his reindeer. The elves have terrible working conditions, I am constantly bullied becomes of my red nose and banned from Reindeer games.
  • All: SHUT UP RUDOLPH!

 

Fred Holywell: “I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!”

  • Colonel Gracie: Here, Here!
  • Molly Brown: Well said, Jack. I mean, Fred.
  • Scrooge: Sounds like we’re wrapping this up, so I say we need an inspirational quote from “Rent” now.
  • Rent cast: Sure, How about: “Love is a gift from up above. Share love, give love, spread love, measure, measure your life in love.”
  • Scrooge: Cool, thanks.
  • Robert Gillis: Hopes this column made you smile and wishes all of you a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Holidays and an awesome new year!
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