RobertXGillis

RobertXGillis

23+ years of published Op/Ed columns, professional photography, my first book and more!

RobertXGillis
  • About Me
  • My professional photography
  • Nana – my first published book
  • Gillis Photo and Nana Videos
  • Site Map

CERN Large Hadron Collider unlocks the secrets of the universe and promptly destroys half of the Earth

  • Current News Story Parody and Humor
  • NASA Image
Large Hadron Collider - Photo credit: NASA.gov.   I really appreciate that NASA’s image use policy that allows me to display this picture here, because NO ONE will let me near this thing to get some snapshots.
Large Hadron Collider – Photo credit: NASA.gov. I really appreciate NASA’s policy for using images because NO ONE will let me near this thing.

By Robert Gillis, who decided to rewrite the AP for April Fool’s Day

Breaking news from Geneva, 3/31/2010 — “The world’s largest atom smasher conducted its first experiments at conditions nearing those after the Big Bang, breaking its own record for high-energy collisions with proton beams crashing into each other yesterday at three times more force than ever before.”- AP News Story

Exciting stuff!  Y’know, I think I’ll write the story…

Hey sports fans, big news today at the Large Hadron Collider’s (NYSE:LHC) in Geneva! As part of their ambitious bid to recreate the Big Bang and destroy the existing universe, scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN (WTF?) confirmed that high-energy meson collisions can be both fun and educational!

“YES! We have triadaptive amplification of the sub-atomic resonance metaphasic deflection signature in the phase transition coils!” exclaimed Doctor Sheldon Cooper, one of the science dweebs.  Above, his space alien overlords watched monitors from high geosynchronous orbit. “The hyperlinear alignment initiater, using a tetra-nucleonic articulation stabilizer, has found evidence of magna-spatial fluidic radiation!” he added.  We assume that’s good.

In the Oscillation Overthruster control room, scientists erupted with applause and downed multiple shots of Jack Daniels when the first successful octa-caesium energy stream pulses were confirmed. Their colleagues from around the world, as well as two other parallel worlds, and a gathering of time-traveling bunnies were tuning in by remote links across the Sub-Etha to witness the event.

Dubbing this thing the world’s largest honking scientific experiment, the researchers hope the machine can generate a flash-forward, like the TV show. (Spoiler alert: I read the book–in the novel, this CERN experiment IS exactly what causes the flash-forward.)

The extra energy in Geneva is expected to reveal even more about the unanswered questions of hyperosmotic thermal physics, ultraviolet properties of Multi-loop N = 8 Supergravity wells, and hopefully prove the existence of the the Higgs boson, a hypothetical particle that scientists theorize destroyed the planet Krypton.

Yesterday’s initial attempts at collisions were unsuccessful because problems developed with the atomic batteries — an energy degradation of a zorton beam revealed localized harmonic interference in the singularity, said scientists working on the massive machine. That meant… Oh, who cares, it’s not like anyone reading this isn’t asleep at this point.

The atmosphere at CERN was tense considering the project was sidetracked a year ago when someone spilled a Pepsi on three of the large quadcrystalline magnets, causing a chronotron particle leak in the antinucleonic turbine, resulting in hull plating buckling and degradation of the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.

It cost $40 million to repair the tetra-anion reaction discriminator and to align the core element of the FTL nanoprocessor with 25 bilateral kelilactirals. With 20 of those being slaved into the primary Heisenfram terminals, it was necessary to override the phase compensator to prevent a cascade failure in the warp core and also to order 3000 “No food or drink in this area” signs for the 17 mile tunnel.

Since its restart, the CERN collider has performed almost flawlessly (except for that fiasco when Greenland was destroyed in an antimatter blast) and given scientists valuable data, including the rate of emission of neutrinos generated by quantum filaments captured in a DTMFA nucleocentric containment matrix.  Again, we assume this is a good thing.

These achievements quickly eclipsed the next largest accelerator — the Omegahedrom, a top secret United States military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan.

This writer confirmed through extensive research (Wikipedia) that the latest CERN experiment DID yield a Hartle-Hawking initial state, followed by a super-string landscape.  Brane inflation was absent, but the ekpyrotic universe constant was clearly within super symmetry parameter.  What this means, I have no clue, man.  I mean, I got nothing.

Really bad day on Planet Earth. Photo credit: NASA.gov.   Again, I really appreciate that NASA’s image use policy that allows me to display this picture here,  because my access to The Hubble Space Telescope has been restricted since I used to get high quality Justin Bieber concert images.
Really bad day on Planet Earth. Photo credit: NASA.gov. Again, I really appreciate NASA’s policy for using images because my access to the Hubble Space Telescope has been restricted since I used it to get high quality Justin Bieber concert images.

Yesterday at CERN, two beams of protons began to speed at high energy (1.21 gigawatts) in opposite directions around the tunnel, which is the coldest place in the universe, at a couple of degrees above absolute zero, much like my ex-girlfriend Betty’s heart.

CERN used high-tech doodads and thingies to force the two beams to cross, creating a collisions and showers of particles that accidentally drilled into an electromagnetic pocket, releasing a catastrophically dangerous amount of electromagnetic energy.

“Experiments are collecting their first physics data — historic moment here!’’ a scientist tweeted on CERN’s official Twitter account, adding, “Lindsay Lohan sighted kissing Britney Spears at a gas station!”

“It’s working! We’ve done it!” shouted one scientist, just before power failed across the planet Earth and the ground began to shake as a black hole opened at the center of the planet.  Moments, later, half of the Earth imploded.

However, a top CERN official said the four-thousand mile swath of destruction across the planet at the exact moment of the experiment is “pure coincidence,” and there is absolutely no evidence to connect the two events.

To end this story on a happy note, at least we don’t have to read about Lindsay Lohan or Brittney Spears anymore.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)

Related

Related Posts via Categories

  • Nine planets no more: Earth’s planetary status revoked
  • Thoughts and gratitude after the March 2018 Massachusetts Nor’easter
  • Slow News Day, Random Thoughts, Summer 2015 Edition!
  • Super Storm Sandy’s aftermath, for this region, a time to be grateful, and to help those affected
  • What if they gave an apocalypse and no one noticed?
  • Moon’s leaders declare war on Earth after attack by NASA
  • NASA announcement of discovery of a “sun” and “blue skies” ridiculed by local residents
  • Breaking Dog Park News!
  • Navy missile successfully destroys out-of-control satellite but accidentally blows up the Moon
  • BREAKING NEWS: SNOW IN BOSTON, a Channel One exclusive report
Spread the love
April 5, 2010 Robert Gillis 0

Post navigation

Re-Elect Lynda Walsh for Foxboro Selectman → ← Silver Age Comics: Jimmy Olsen the Roughneck (and I still hate Lucy Lane)

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Page ads by Google!




RobertXGillis.com Categories (Drop Down Menu)!

My Professional Photography

Follow Me!

  • Facebook

Buy My Book!

Go to Nana Book website

Category Cloudy Thingy!

A must read Avoiding Fraud Backstreets Boston Bruce Springsteen Catholic / Church Christmas CNN image Computers / Tech Current Events / News Commentary Current News Story Parody and Humor Dorchester Foxboro Foxboro Founders Day Foxboro Jaycees Foxboro Jaycees Haunted House Foxboro Reporter Image Halloween Holidays - Other Humor Life events, Gratitude and Giving and Little Miracles Mass Shootings Memorials Movies Music My fiction (80s/90s) Nana Book NASA Image New Hampshire News image from Web New Year Not The Best Pets Politics Scanned From Newspaper Microfilm Seniors September 11, 2001 Slow News Day Humor Sports Star Trek Superman Superman and Friends - Comic Book Humor and Parody Television Uncategorized Web / Email / Internet / Social Media

Robert Gillis Site Archives From the 28 Known Galaxies

Weekly Popular!

  • A dream come true, meeting Joanna Cameron, star of… (34)
  • The Church still stands: Remembering the promise of… (15)
  • An interview with Joanna Levesque, aka “JoJo” (13)
  • A letter to Mom on Christmas Day (12)
  • Silver-Age Comics fun: Going to the chapel, and… (8)
  • Looking back on the Super Monkey from Krypton (7)
  • You can go home again; my visit to Dorchester and… (7)
  • Whatever Happened to the Man of Steel? — My… (4)
  • January 13, 2018: BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND… (4)
  • The customer, most assuredly, is NOT always right: A… (4)
  • What was the Silver Age of comic books? Superman,… (3)
  • Memories of an Intensive Care Nursery at Saint… (3)
  • More Silver Age Comics fun with Lois Lane! (3)
  • More Lucy Lane and Lois Lane Silver-Age Comics Sillyness! (3)
  • Silver Age Comics: Spanking your super kids, a great… (3)
  • An historical quest fulfilled: Finding the Willey… (3)
  • Where can I pick up the Boston City paper? (3)
  • Celebrating Boyden Library Foxboro (2)
  • More Silver-Age Lois Lane comic book madness! (2)
  • “We will be okay,” two signs of hope in… (2)
  • Thoughts on the 2009 J.J. Abram Star Trek movie (2)
  • NEW GENESIS: THE SEARCH FOR ROBERT FULLER (2)
  • Foxboro Jaycees Haunted House 1998: The Village (2)
  • Celebrating the remarkable clergy of Saint… (2)
  • The Weakest Link (2)
  • Popular posts by Top 10 plugin

Most Popular On This Site!

  • A dream come true, meeting Joanna Cameron, star of… (14,753)
  • An interview with Joanna Levesque, aka “JoJo” (5,100)
  • A letter to Mom on Christmas Day (3,358)
  • Silver Age Comics: Spanking your super kids, a great… (2,342)
  • Memo: Cost-cutting measures during these tough… (2,195)
  • Thoughts on visiting seven churches on Holy Thursday (1,633)
  • Father Steve Madden leaving Saint Mary’s… (1,489)
  • Memories of an Intensive Care Nursery at Saint… (1,424)
  • The National Shrine of Our Lady of La Salette in… (1,249)
  • The customer, most assuredly, is NOT always right: A… (1,176)
  • Grieving the Saint Kevin’s Property (1,145)
  • More Lucy Lane and Lois Lane Silver-Age Comics Sillyness! (1,033)
  • I won the Superman Homepage Caption Contest Again! (882)
  • Silver-Age Comics fun: Going to the chapel, and… (874)
  • What was the Silver Age of comic books? Superman,… (871)
  • Popular posts by Top 10 plugin

Copyright and Legal

All site content copyright © 2020 by Robert Gillis except where specifically noted. All rights reserved. THIS IS A PERSONAL WEBLOG (“BLOG”). THE OPINIONS AND COMMENTARY EXPRESSED HERE REPRESENT MY OWN AND ARE NOT THOSE OF MY EMPLOYERS (PAST, PRESENT NOR FUTURE).

About images:

I do my best to use my own photos to illustrate a post (and copyright to all my images remains with me), but sometimes I need to use an image from, say, a sports logo, a TV show or movie, or something I could not possibly get on my own, for example, an image of the international space station. I always credit the original owner (if they can be determined) but in ALL cases, whether credited or not, any images I didn’t photograph myself remain the property of the original copyright holders. This site does not imply any ownership of such images or materials, and such images are used here for commentary / illustrative / entertainment purposes only, under what is believed to be fair use guidelines, and absolutely no copyright infringement is intended.

Powered by WordPress | theme SG Double