Historians note: When this piece was written, Foxboro and the surrounding area saw the sun MAYBE three times in about two and a half months. This is absolutely true — It rained for weeks with three “dry” days. It was just miserable, with rain literally EVERY day. This piece was written in response to that.
By Robert Gilllis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City Paper 7/2009
A major announcement from the Foxboro bureau of NASA has residents in an uproar. Officials claim to have made a staggering discovery that if true, will change the way we humans view our place in the universe.
The Earth, they allege, orbits a star.
This “star,” tentatively designated “The Sun,” or 2009-NX-1701-A, is supposedly located roughly ninety three million miles from Earth and is described as “a really, really, really big honking ball of nuclear fire,” that, according to the science geeks, “supports almost all life on Earth via photosynthesis, and drives the Earth’s climate and weather.”
The controversial announcement was met with immediate disdain by folks here in Foxboro, as weather data going back months confirm that it has been rainy and cloudy since, well, FOREVER. Furthermore, no sighting of anything resembling a bright ball of light in the sky (this so-called “sun”) has ever been reported by any credible witness.
Foxboro’s oldest resident and oatmeal spokesperson, Wilford Brimley, aged 119, told us that he does remember a bright light and blue skies over Foxboro once, but it turned out that was just a Pink Floyd laser show at the old Foxboro Stadium on Foxboro Lake (formerly Route One)
Those wacky NASA scientists were at a loss to explain how this “sun” has apparently been in the sky for “millions of years” and no one ever noticed it before.
Local teens had a much simpler explanation.
“We Americans have the attention span of a coconut,” explained local teen Sean Civaterese. “If it’s not on TMZ.com or twitter, we really don’t pay much attention to it, and … What was I saying?”
Another local teen added, “I lk d rain. I lk muzc. skool S borin. idk bout d sun. RU my BFF? Dnt u h8 Perry’s yF?”
Adding to the “sun” confusion was the sight that greeted people who watched the local cable broadcast on Founders Day, the anniversary of the town’s founding when British ships landed at Foxboro Harbor (formerly Beach Street).
On Founders Day, viewers reported that the parade appeared to show bands, marchers and soldiers in a procession past Grand Foxboro Island (formerly the Foxboro Common) under what appeared to be CLOUDLESS SKIES and a very bright light (this so-called “sun.”).
We contacted the local Foxboro cable TV station on the shore of Foxboro River (formerly East Belcher Road). A high-ranking cable official who spoke on the condition of anonymity explained that as part of testing a new video program, the rain was removed using something called Adobe Photoshop, and the sky was tinted an unnatural shade of blue using the same software. He apologized for the subsequent panic along the parade route of Carpenter Bay, Mechanic River, the Cocasset Street Canal, the Bird Street Reservoir and the South Street Pond.
Despite all this science fiction, a blue sky IS theoretically possible, at least according to local paleontologist Lauren Bitar. She explains, “If there were really a sun — and believe me, I’m not one of those whackos who thinks so — but hypothetically, a large sun-star in the sky would cause what I call, “Rayleigh scattering:” This so-called “sunlight” in clear atmosphere would diffuse light along the blue spectrum. Or so I read.”
But despite the overwhelming scientific evidence that it has always rained in Foxboro and this “sun thingy” has never been observed by any credible witness, the crazies at NASA won’t be deterred. Lead astronomer Jan Hendrik Oort exclaimed, “Look, this isn’t the whole, “Is Pluto a planet” thing again. And it’s NOT, by the way. But there really is a star out there called the sun, and it provides light and heat to Earth! It’s amazing, and wonderful! Just wait until it stops raining, you’ll see it!”
Stops raining? Yeah, like THAT will ever happen.