Christmas Still Life - Red And Green Christmas Bulbsby Robert Gillis
published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper, 12/2010

Welcome to “Fun with Facebook, Christmas edition…”

Frosty the Snowman: Happy birthday! Hey, I said my first words. But… But snowmen can’t talk or use Facebook! What’s going on??!!

  • Karen: Our snowman came alive! There must have been some magic in that old top hat they found!
  • Professor Hinkle: It’s my hat and I want it back. NOW.


Virginia O’Hanlon: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it on Facebook it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

  • Zack Emo: OMG is she serious?
  • Kaylie Brittney: SHUT up Zack, she’s only 8. Yes, sweetie, Santa exists!
  • Ophelia TwilightRain: Santa exists. I’ve seen him.
  • Virginia O’Hanlon: You saw Santa? Where?
  • Karen: I saw him too! He saved Frosty’s life when Professor Hinkle trapped him in the greenhouse and tried to murder him!
  • Professor Hinkle: Saved his life?!!! It’s a SNOWMAN! When you grow up, you’ll realize that snowman can’t come to life!


Professor Hinkle: Is writing “I am very sorry for what I did to Frosty” a hundred zillion times. Hope Santa doesn’t know about cut and paste.


Zack Emo: Virginia, there is no Santa, it’s your parents. And there’s no Easter Bunny either!

  • Kaylie Brittney: Don’t listen to him Virginia! Zack, you are such a doofus! The kid is 8! Santa Claus is real! [Unfriend Zack Emo]
  • Virginia O’Hanlon: Thank you Kaylie, I believe you. So everything on Facebook is true? Zack Emo is really dating Angelina Jolie and Scarlet Johansson?


Rudolph: First day at school – hope I make a lot of friends and they don’t notice my…

  • Prancer: You should see the new reindeer – his nose is shiny and red! I’d even say it glows!
  • Cupid: Freak.
  • Fireball: Yep.
  • Clarisse: He’s cute.
  • Comet: From now on we won’t let Rudolph play in any reindeer games.
  • Santa Claus: Reindeer with a glowing red nose. I KNEW allowing that nuclear waste to be dumped so close to the North Pole was a bad idea.


Fireball, Comet and Cupid: Are attending anti-bullying and diversity in the workplace classes

  • Mama Claus: Likes this.


Mama Claus: Can’t get Papa to eat. No one wants a skinny Santa!


Santa Claus: God, that woman I married. My cholesterol is 312, FINALLY dropped 10 pounds last summer, and she’s feeding me all day! And that Elf song, can they just SHUT UP???!!!!


Holly Gennaro: Hopes John can visit us for Christmas.


Sergeant Al Powell and John McClain are now friends.

  • Hans Gruber: I assume you realize the futility of direct action against me.
  • John McClain: Yippee-ki-yay!
  • Hans Gruber: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH {splat}


Burgermeister Meisterburger: Toys are hereby declared illegal, immoral, and unlawful AND anyone found with a toy in his possession will be placed under arrest and thrown in the dungeon. No kidding!

  • Ebenezer Scrooge, the Grinch and Mr. Potter like this.


Bob Cratchit: Merry Christmas!

  • Ebenezer Scrooge: Let me see another Facebook posting during working hours from you, and you’ll keep your Christmas by losing your situation!
  • Kaylie Brittney: I love the “Situation” but Snooki rules! GTL!


The Grinch: I must stop this whole thing! Why, for fifty-three years I’ve put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming… but how?

  • ACLU: Easy, start by calling it, “Happy Holidays.”
  • The Grinch: I’ve been puzzling for three hours. My puzzler is sore.
  • Zack Emo: LOL dude sounds serious. If it lasts four hours, see a doctor!
  • The Grinch: Maybe Christmas, doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more! Maybe… Nah.


Fonzie: “I know you’re hip to Waukesha”

  • Howard Cunningham: “Well to tell you the truth Fonzie, it was Richie who figured it out.”
  • Marion Cunningham, Joanie Cunningham, and 24 others like this.
  • Chuck Cunningham changed his status to: Retconned


George Bailey: Ha, ha, ha, ha! My mouth’s bleeding, Bert! My mouth’s bleeding! Zuzu’s petals… Zuzu… There they are! Bert, what do you know about that! Merry Christmas!

  • Zack Emo: Who the bleep is Bert?


The Star Wars Holiday Special: Hey, I just wanted to say…

  • George Lucas: Shut up, you don’t exist.
  • The Star Wars Holiday Special: But I was on TV in 1978!
  • George Lucas: I said you don’t exist.
  • The Star Wars Holiday Special: Doesn’t anyone remember me?
  • Entire Facebook community: *cricket* *cricket* *cricket*


Charlie Brown: I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess.

  • Charlie Brown’s Mother: Mwah, mwah whah whahhhh.


Ralphie Parker: For Christmas I want an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle.

  • Ralphie’s Mom: No, you’ll shoot your eye out.


Mark Cohen: December 24, 9pm. Benny wants ALL the rent from last year! How we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, last year’s rent?


Rudolph: So after YEARS of being a “misfit” and outcast, after years of therapy and bullying, guess who comes to ask me lead his sleigh tonight? Yep, the big fat man in the red suit himself. NEVER once stood up for me, never let Herbie become a dentist, and NOW he wants ME to save the day? NO THANKS! Besides, I don’t work on Christmas Eve.


Sam Wainwright: Hee Haw and Merry Christmas!


Robert Gillis: Loves Facebook and wishes all of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New year!

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Spread the love
Hello There!

Web Analytics