by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper 1/2011

Slow news day. Random thoughts.

• Two words that are not in the dictionary but should be: Snowmageddon: 1) The condition wherein newscasters and meteorologists treat a typical Boston blizzard as an event of biblical significance, downplaying REAL news for 24 hour coverage of how many people are buying shovels at Home Depot, interviews with plow drivers, and footage of every reporter standing in the snow commenting that the best advice is to stay home and ride out the storm. 2) Any time during a typical Boston blizzard wherein news media advises its audience to prepare for the storm in much the same manner as they would need to get ready for an imminent nuclear attack and / or end of society as we know it. See also: Snowpocalypse.
• Any time you are in an elevator, if someone boards with a box of donuts or pizza, some idiot will invariably ask if one of those is for him. Similarly, anyone boarding an elevator with a floral delivery will always be subjected to at least one rider saying, “For me? You shouldn’t have.” Kill this person.
• Speaking of elevators, why are there little light bulbs in the shaft? You can see them sometimes through the space between the elevator doors and the shaft. Who changes them? They’re too dim to do maintenance by, and you’re not supposed to be outside the elevator anyway, unless you’re on the top of the car “elevator surfing,” in which case you’re too busy falling to your death to notice the view on the way down, anyway.
• Speaking of stupid… Q: What do you get if you put the entire cast of “Jersey Shore” at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start.
• I was disappointed that the plan to allow Snooki from “Jersey Shore” to be placed inside a ball that was to be dropped from a tall building on New Year’s Eve was forbidden by the New York authorities who are in charge of such things. Then I found out that the plan was to allow the ball to descend safely. What’s the point in that? Here I was, thinking it was a public execution type of thing for a better America. So disappointed.
•  It’s been over twelve minutes since the latest Lindsay Lohan update. Those were twelve good minutes.
• Why is it that every character on TV, when leaving a bar or a restaurant, always takes two bills out of their pocket to pay the check? These two bills cover the meal and tip perfectly. They never wait for the check, debate who owes for what, who had just coffee, or who had the fish. Two bills and gone. This never happens in real life. Also, TV characters on phones never say “Goodbye” when the call ends. Watch for it, they don’t. Finally, TV characters always eat Chinese and Thai food out of the containers with chop sticks. I have NEVER seen this done in real life.
• It makes me said when a famous person dies, some celebrity will send their condolences by Twitter. 140 characters to express your deepest sympathies — how very moving. “Very sad 4 the fam; loved ya Sally, deepest sad, RIP with Jesus LOL.”
• Mourning and grieving? There’s an app for that.
• Never send an email, drive a car or pilot a blimp when you’re angry.
• If the government created a site to discredit WikiLeaks, would it call the site, “WikiLeaks Leaks?”
• A real friend is not of your 600 Face Book friends. A real friend will help you move next Saturday. A TRUE friend will clean up your internet cache after you die.
• Here’s a really bad joke: The media reported today that Tony the Tiger, Cap’n Crunch and Snap, Crackle and Pop were all found dead this past week. Police suspect a cereal killer.
• Why do all the “holiday” sales become “after-Christmas sales,” and why do all the “holiday” trees and decorations get taken down after Christmas? Just asking.
• Speaking of on High, I really wish God had handed Moses an 11th commandment: “Thou Shalt not renew Jersey Shore for another season.”
• Slow news day. Sigh.