SlowNewsDayFullby Robert Gillis
Published in the Boston City Paper and Foxboro Reporter, 8/2011

Slow news day. Random thoughts.

In speaking about music, kids today do not know what a “B-Side” is.

Dear everyone in Boston: Here is an important tip – turning on your hazards while double parked does not create a magical force field around your car protecting it from the evil metermaids. It actually sends out a flashing, frantic “TOW ME! TOW ME!” distress call that is instantly answered!

Here are some things I don’t understand: 1) 25 people in line at Starbucks in the morning, waiting 15-20 minutes to buy COFFEE. 2) Particle physics. 3) Women. 4) Standing in a line for days in New York to buy the latest version of a PHONE. 4) Cold fusion. 5) The appeal of the Twilight book/movie saga. 6) Women. 7) Humanity in general.

Something that was great about the good old days? You never lost your telephone ever because it was CONNECTED TO THE WALL!

Want to really fry someone’s brain? When they call YOU on your phone, answer the phone as follows: “Hi, I’d like to order a pizza.” I don’t know why but this causes a complete mental meltdown. The caller is confused. “Wait – didn’t I call someone? Why is someone calling ME asking for a pizza?” Their brain literally freezes. Try it – it’s fun!

Dear Face Book Farmville players: You DO understand you are spending REAL money on IMAGINARY livestock, right?

Whatever happened to MySpace.com?

When I was your age, we had NINE planets. No “dwarf planets” for us, no sir!

On an unrelated note, I know you weren’t the one who got Penny in trouble. When I’m wrong I say I’m wrong.

The evidence that the universe is out to get you is not all that compelling – could it be the problem is YOU?

Be nice to the janitors and housekeeping in your building. Their work is actually MORE important than yours. Don’t believe me? Try getting along without them. Be nice to them. They’re good folks! Also, always be nice to people who are preparing your food.

I only read Cosmo to see how to get my crush to notice me. And to get my best summer look now!

You know that advice they give newly married couples about never going to bed angry? GO TO BED. Trust me on this: NO ONE gets MORE REASONABLE at 3:30am. Go to sleep.

Here’s an odd but true fact: Someday, there will be an “oldies radio station playing Justin Bieber music. On that day in the 2030s, the children of today’s teens will mock their parents for listening to such un-cool music.

Speaking of the 2030s, it’s almost 2015 – where are the flying cars? Where are the jet packs?

On “American Idol,” Simon Cowell often said a song sounded like, “Bad Karaoke. “ Isn’t that redundant?

Have recently watched a dozen or so episodes of “America’s Got Talent,” I must conclude, “No, we do not.”

Want to really fry someone’s brain part two: When someone says hello, look at them with a shocked expression, and say, “How can you be so hurtful to me?”

Does anyone “gallivant” anymore?

Forget the marketing — to me, those breakfast cereals will always be SUGAR Smacks, SUGAR Crisp and SUGAR Pops.

Oh, the diet thing, yeah… About that. Um, yeah…

Speaking of movies (we weren’t, but work with me here), let’s talk suspension of disbelief. You watch a Superman movie and you accept a guy can fly and shoot fire from his eyes. You watch Star Trek and accept transporters and warp speed. You watch Harry Potter and accept magic, wizards and witches. You watch “Independence Day” and accept extraterrestrials arriving from a world thousands of light years away in 15 mile long spaceships, defying all sorts of laws of physics as they nuke half the Earth.

BUT — Watch “Independence Day” and when Jeff Goldbloom uses his laptop to plant a virus into the extraterrestrial computer…   Sorry, suspension of disbelief = snapped. NO WAY. The aliens use the same TCPIP protocol as us? Were the aliens using RS-232, or token ring or Ethernet? The aliens use compatible frequency ranges? Not a chance. Just TOO unbelievable. I mean, I can’t get a Windows XP program to work in Vista, they’re both from the same vendor from the same company on the same media on the same disk. I can’t get my DVR remote to work with my cable remote, and Goldbloom is hacking technology built in another galaxy by extremely advanced aliens with his 1996-era laptop? Sorry, no. Just… NO.

You know what’s a real sad commentary on our time? Going to a gas station, seeing that gas is $3.65 a gallon, and thinking, “Wow, so cheap!” That is so very sad.

I am consistently amazed by the sheer number of hilarious skateboard accidents on YouTube. Personal favorite is the guy who skateboarded off the roof of the house. Yeah, that was going to end well.

I still need more cowbell.

Finally, we’ve endured a lot in Foxboro these last few years, with battles over many important issues and lines being drawn on all sides, but there’s one thing we can all agree on – the great taste of ice cream. I have a personal goal of trying EVERY flavor at Crescent Ridge this summer. I believe in realistic and achievable goals.

Slow news day, sigh.

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