SlowNewsDayFullby Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper, 9/2013

Back by popular demand! Slow news day, random thoughts!

The less said about Miley Cyrus’ antics on the 2013 MTV awards show, the better. Except: With the imminent likelihood of attacks on, and/or, war with Syria, CNN.com chose to run the Cyrus story as their MAIN banner headline (verbatim: “She did WHAT???”) For the entire day after that nonsense? SERIOUSLY? CNN – please stick to real news and leave the shameful celebrity antics to TMZ. Or the trash can.

Speaking of female singers, some continue to impress me and have real class. My sincere kudos to my beloved Katy Perry for a great new single, “Roar,” celebrating female empowerment and standing up for yourself, all with a catchy beat you can dance to. I love it! Great to have you back Katy; looking forward to the new CD in October!

Speaking of love, to all newlyweds: You know that line about “Don’t go to bed angry?” Trust me, go to bed angry. In an argument, NO ONE gets *MORE* reasonable at 4am. I speak from experience on this one. Guys: Just apologize. Believe me, it’s your fault anyway.

Still speaking of love, last year, I suffered a painful breakup. And in truth, I was probably partially to blame. I had been neglectful, looking for a more healthy relationship. I spent very little time with this love because I knew the relationship was bad for me and my health, and I could never resist the forbidden temptation when I was with this love. I wandered aimlessly. But recently, with great fanfare (broadcast on the nightly news!), my love has returned, so I say publicly, to my love: Welcome back HOSTESS CUPCAKES. I missed you more than you will ever know. Never leave me again.

Speaking of food, dear stores: Halloween candy displays in August? Seriously???!!

Speaking of stores, a while back I was at the supermarket and the announcement came over the PA: “Someone to bottle redemption for customer assistance.” Yes, the page was for “Someone.” I was this close to walking over to the redemption center just so I could have the following conversation:

Customer: “Can you help me with this bottle machine?”
Me: “No, sorry, I don’t know a thing about it.”
Customer: “Then why are you here?”
Me: “I met the summoning criteria.”

Speaking of supermarkets, please lose “Checkout TV.” It’s annoying. On a related note, can we get rid of the TV screens at the gas pumps? Repeated entertainment reports from Mario Lopez do not distract me from the absurd cost of gasoline. They make me blame Mario Lopez for the gas prices, and that’s hardly fair. He seems like a nice guy and I am reasonably sure he doesn’t work for OPEC.

Still speaking of supermarkets and stores in general, dear customers, get the hell off your cell phone while you are checking out your groceries. You would not tolerate your cashier doing that – you’re being incredibly rude. If the call can’t wait, step aside until you’re done.

Speaking of stores, if you receive good customer service, let the manager know. They don’t hear it often enough and you’ll make their day. Here in town we have a lot of businesses that provide GREAT service and the people who work there are friendly and helpful. Patronize them. Thank them.

We interrupt this column for a public service announcement: Change the batteries in your smoke detectors next month when the clocks go back. That really doesn’t fit into anything I was talking about, but it’s really good advice. Back to the column.

Speaking of technology (we weren’t), some rants: A) Dear web sites: Please stop asking me if you want to remember my password even though I type in the wrong password. B) The words “Microsoft is searching for a solution to this problem” translates literally as “Reboot; we have no idea what’s wrong.” C) Why do people have to be network administrators to install a cable modem? I’M a computer genius and this thing has me stumped. D) Dear software makers: I have been using computers since before you were born, stop “dumbing down” the software!

Still speaking of technology: This just in: Scientists at CERN have identified the smallest measurable unit of time in the universe: It doesn’t have a name yet but it’s the precise amount of time between when the traffic light turns green and the idiot in the car behind you beeps his horn.

Speaking of complaining and technology, stop complaining every time Face Book changes its format. YOU DON’T PAY FOR IT. If you don’t like this FUN, FREE program, stop using it.

Well, that’s all for today. Hope I gave you a few nice things to think about, a few laughs and maybe even distracted you a little from all the not-so-good news stories out there! Have a great week!

Slow news day, sigh.

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