by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper December, 2015
Welcome to Christmas fun with Facebook, 2015 edition!
Mark Cohen: “December 24th, 9:00PM: Benny wants ALL the RENT, and I’m starting a film documentary but I’m not sure how to begin because real life is so scary and sad.”
- Bob Gillis: Well, let me write a funny Christmas column to take your mind off all that for a little while.
- Mark Cohen: Cool, thanks.
- The town of Foxboro and 24 others like this.
Santa Claus: “I know when you’re sleeping and when you’re awake. I know EVERYTHING.”
- The NSA, CIA and 19 secret government organizations like this
- Zack Emo: Creepy!
- Kaylie Brittney: Enough surveillance!
- Ophelia TwilightRain: I need to clear my internet cache now!
- The ACLU: Santa, we need to talk.
Virginia O’Hanlon: “I’m eight and my friends say there’s no Santa Claus.”
- Zack Emo: Virginia, we’ve talked about this — you’re over 50 years old. You need therapy.
- Kaylie Brittney: SHUT up Zack. Yes, sweetie, Santa exists!
- Rudolph the red nosed reindeer: Oh, he exists, and he’s always grumpy, he doesn’t even pay his elves minimum wage… Man, my TV special is so dark.
Ebenezer Scrooge: “Hey, it’s Christmas! I haven’t missed it! Looks like the spirits have done it all in one night!”
- Bob Cratchit: I love spirits, especially Jack Daniels, and Grey Goose Vodka!
- Mrs. Cratchit: He means GHOSTS, you doofus!
- Scrooge: No, he’s right, I meant the booze. I’m a horrible boss.
Lucy Van Pelt: “I don’t mean to be cynical, but Christmas is a gigantic commercial racket run by a big eastern syndicate. But I’ll still try to have a Merry Christmas.”
- Department stores: It’s December 24 and that means our Valentine’s Day sales have started!
- Lucy Van Pelt: I hate you all.
Kevin McCallister: “I made my family disappear! I’m Home Alone at Christmastime!”
- Kevin’s mother: KEVIN!
- Thousands of people and hundreds of movie critics like this
Irving Berlin shared a post: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.”
- Everyone in Boston: No! Boston got 108 inches of snow last year!
- Foxboro: And we were always the jackpot zone with the most snow! No more!
- Bob Gillis: It is never to snow again. Do you hear me, Rose? I forbid it.
- Zack Emo: Who the beep is Rose?
Kevin McCallister: “I’m Home Alone again, this time in New York at Christmastime!”
- Kevin’s mother: KEVIN!
- Status update: Kevin’s mother is talking to the department of child safety and taking parenting courses
- 400 people like this
Clement Clarke Moore shared a post: “…all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…”
- Bob Rivers: I’m trying’ to rig up these lights! Where are the extension cords? Why are they blinking? FINE! YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!
- Clement Clarke Moore: Um, as I saying… But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight…
- George Bailey: My uncle lost $8000. My business is ruined. My kid is sick. My life is over. I’m going to go jump off a bridge. #StupidBuildingAndLoan #NeedAMiracle
- Clark Griswald: Didn’t get the Christmas bonus, my perfect family Christmas is ruined…
- Clement Clarke Moore: Meh. I hate you all.
Bart Simpson: “We got a dog for Christmas! His name is Santa’s little helper!”
- Stewie Griffin: Dude — that was your first episode back in 1989.
- The Grinch: After 26 seasons, NO ONE watches the Simpsons anymore.
- Bart Simpson: No way man! Who else watches the Simpsons? We’re a hit TV show!
- *cricket* *cricket* *cricket*
Nat King Cole shared a post: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”
- Frosty the snowman: Hope you have a permit.
- Zack Emo: I’m allergic to peanuts.
- Nat King Cole: Oh, didn’t know that. How about, turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright.
- Ophelia TwilightRain: Turkey? I’m vegan. Tofu only.
- Zack Emo: Mistletoe is a poison plant, man. Not cool.
Winter Warlock: “I’m mean! REALLY mean!”
- Kris Kringle: Here’s a toy train.
- Winter Warlock: I’m nice now. I’ll help you battle Burgermeister Meisterburger and save Christmas.
- Hobson: You purchased a choo-choo? I’m very pleased.
- Rudolph: Wow that was soooooooo easy. Y’know, on MY TV Christmas special, we tamed the abominable snowman monster by having Herbie the elf pull out all his teeth! Man, what a dark message to send to kids.
- Zack Emo: Dude, you’re REALLY killing my memories of that show. [unfriend Rudolph]
Fred Gailey: “In court defending the guy who thinks he’s Santa. Your Honor, every one of these letters is addressed to Santa Claus, and the post office delivered them to this guy – my client — who claims to be Santa – which by my VERY CONVOLUTED “legal logic” means the whole government recognizes this guy — Kris Kringle to be Santa Claus! I rest my case!”
- Judge Henry X. Harper: Uh, yeah, how do I put these in legal terms you can all understand? NO.
- Fred Gailey: OK, full admission, I never went to law school.
- Rudolph: Your honor, since we’re talking law, I’d like to file a lawsuit against Santa and his reindeer. The elves have terrible working conditions, I am constantly bullied becomes of my red nose and banned from Reindeer games.
- All: SHUT UP RUDOLPH!
Fred Holywell: “I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!”
- Colonel Gracie: Here, Here!
- Molly Brown: Well said, Jack. I mean, Fred.
- Scrooge: Sounds like we’re wrapping this up, so I say we need an inspirational quote from “Rent” now.
- Rent cast: Sure, How about: “Love is a gift from up above. Share love, give love, spread love, measure, measure your life in love.”
- Scrooge: Cool, thanks.
- Robert Gillis: Hopes this column made you smile and wishes all of you a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Holidays and an awesome new year!
