SlowNewsDayFullby Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper, 5/2010

Slow news day. Random thoughts.

When someone begins a sentence with, “No offense, but…” they are about to offend you.

Likewise, anyone who begins a sentence with, “I’m not prejudiced / I’m not a racist / I’m not a homophobe.” … They are / they are / and they are.

When you are in line at a store, and you are at the counter being waited on, get the hell off your cell phone. “Rude” and “Obnoxious” just don’t begin to cover this kind of behavior. Attention all cashiers – if somebody is at the counter on their cell phone, wave them aside and say, “Next please!” (Note: I’d pay real money to see that.)

The more they keep changing the money, the faker it looks.

A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar. Bartender says, “What is this, a joke?!”

Caffeine = Good.

Note to the Boston Herald: Can you please stop calling Bridget Moynahan, “Tom Brady’s baby momma?” Please?

Note to the Boston media: Whenever you take a poll regarding an election or an election issue, please only poll REGISTERED VOTERS. No other opinion is relevant.

Here’s a radical thought: Whether someone’s prom date is the same sex or the opposite sex is none of your business. Let the kids decide who they want to be with at the prom. Keep the courts and school administration out of it.

Something I’d love to see on Sesame Street: “Today’s episode is brought to you by the letter 2 and the number pi.”

Big Bang Theory is the funniest show to air on TV in many, many years. Someone asked me recently what character I identify most with. I’d have to say Raj – he’s brilliant, funny, kind, and very shy. And very humble, like me.

You now what we need more of? TV shows and commercials that show the husband and father as an incompetent, bumbling fool, and his know-it-all wife who constantly berates him in front of their children. Because God knows men don’t have self-esteem issues, don’t need role models, and that’s what guys are really like, anyway.

With apologies to “Futurama,” this column is brought to you by “Shankman’s Rubbing Compound”. “It costs a little more but it’s worth it!”

Hey teens and tweens! Did you know that M-TV used to play music videos all day and night? It’s true! M-TV stands for “Music television.” Look it up! Aw, forget it, you aren’t even reading this.

Speaking of old, does anyone say “Dungarees” anymore?

The expression, “Drop a dime,” is as meaningless to kids today as, “You sound like a broken record.”


I ran the Boston Marathon for the first time this year and am very pleased with my time of 3:13.

The fact that I am writing this column should factor heavily into your evaluation of that last statement.

In Boston, when driving, you don’t “turn right,” you “bang a right,” and you don’t make a U-turn,” you, “bang a you-ee.”

The true measure of friendship is not having 600 friends on FaceBook, it’s having one good friend who will help you move.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, “That’s funny – we have a drink named after you!” Grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Helga Shimmel?”

“The time for thinking is over!” – Jason Stackhouse, True Blood.

Am I the only one who thinks that Ryan Seacrest is off his meds lately? Man, he’s been really mean to the American Idol contestants, and especially to poor Simon, who’s never said an unkind word to anyone, ever.

If the world does end on December 21, 2012, I, for one, will be just a little relieved.

Slow news day. Sigh.

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