{"id":1553,"date":"2011-07-25T22:12:22","date_gmt":"2011-07-26T03:12:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/?p=1553"},"modified":"2014-01-28T12:16:44","modified_gmt":"2014-01-28T17:16:44","slug":"because-you-demanded-it-another-slow-news-day-column","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/?p=1553","title":{"rendered":"Because you demanded it… Another slow news day column!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"SlowNewsDayFull\"<\/a>by Robert Gillis
\nPublished in the Boston City Paper and Foxboro Reporter, 8\/2011<\/p>\n

Slow news day. Random thoughts.<\/p>\n

In speaking about music, kids today do not know what a \u201cB-Side\u201d is.<\/p>\n

Dear everyone in Boston: Here is an important tip \u2013 turning on your hazards while double parked does not create a magical force field around your car protecting it from the evil metermaids. It actually sends out a flashing, frantic \u201cTOW ME! TOW ME!\u201d distress call that is instantly answered!<\/p>\n

Here are some things I don\u2019t understand: 1) 25 people in line at Starbucks in the morning, waiting 15-20 minutes to buy COFFEE. 2) Particle physics. 3) Women. 4) Standing in a line for days in New York to buy the latest version of a PHONE. 4) Cold fusion. 5) The appeal of the Twilight<\/em> book\/movie saga. 6) Women. 7) Humanity in general.<\/p>\n

Something that was great about the good old days? You never lost your telephone ever because it was CONNECTED TO THE WALL!<\/p>\n

Want to really fry someone\u2019s brain? When they call YOU on your phone, answer the phone as follows: \u201cHi, I\u2019d like to order a pizza.\u201d I don\u2019t know why but this causes a complete mental meltdown. The caller is confused. \u201cWait \u2013 didn\u2019t I call someone? Why is someone calling ME asking for a pizza?\u201d Their brain literally freezes. Try it \u2013 it\u2019s fun!<\/p>\n

Dear Face Book Farmville players: You DO understand you are spending REAL money on IMAGINARY livestock, right?<\/p>\n

Whatever happened to MySpace.com?<\/p>\n

When I was your age, we had NINE planets. No \u201cdwarf planets\u201d for us, no sir!<\/p>\n

On an unrelated note, I know you weren\u2019t the one who got Penny in trouble. When I\u2019m wrong I say I\u2019m wrong.<\/p>\n

The evidence that the universe is out to get you is not all that compelling \u2013 could it be the problem is YOU?<\/p>\n

Be nice to the janitors and housekeeping in your building. Their work is actually MORE important than yours. Don\u2019t believe me? Try getting along without them. Be nice to them. They\u2019re good folks! Also, always be nice to people who are preparing your food.<\/p>\n

I only read Cosmo to see how to get my crush to notice me. And to get my best summer look now!<\/p>\n

You know that advice they give newly married couples about never going to bed angry? GO TO BED. Trust me on this: NO ONE gets MORE REASONABLE at 3:30am. Go to sleep.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s an odd but true fact: Someday, there will be an \u201coldies radio station playing Justin Bieber music. On that day in the 2030s, the children of today\u2019s teens will mock their parents for listening to such un-cool music.<\/p>\n

Speaking of the 2030s, it\u2019s almost 2015 \u2013 where are the flying cars? Where are the jet packs?<\/p>\n

On \u201cAmerican Idol,\u201d Simon Cowell often said a song sounded like, \u201cBad Karaoke. \u201c Isn\u2019t that redundant?<\/p>\n

Have recently watched a dozen or so episodes of \u201cAmerica\u2019s Got Talent,\u201d I must conclude, \u201cNo, we do not.\u201d<\/p>\n

Want to really fry someone\u2019s brain part two: When someone says hello, look at them with a shocked expression, and say, \u201cHow can you be so hurtful to me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Does anyone \u201cgallivant\u201d anymore?<\/p>\n

Forget the marketing — to me, those breakfast cereals will always be SUGAR Smacks, SUGAR Crisp and SUGAR Pops.<\/p>\n

Oh, the diet thing, yeah\u2026 About that. Um, yeah\u2026<\/p>\n

Speaking of movies (we weren\u2019t, but work with me here), let\u2019s talk suspension of disbelief. You watch a Superman movie and you accept a guy can fly and shoot fire from his eyes. You watch Star Trek and accept transporters and warp speed. You watch Harry Potter and accept magic, wizards and witches. You watch \u201cIndependence Day\u201d and accept extraterrestrials arriving from a world thousands of light years away in 15 mile long spaceships, defying all sorts of laws of physics as they nuke half the Earth.<\/p>\n

BUT — Watch \u201cIndependence Day\u201d and when Jeff Goldbloom uses his laptop to plant a virus into the extraterrestrial computer\u2026\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Sorry, suspension of disbelief = snapped. NO WAY. The aliens use the same TCPIP protocol as us? Were the aliens using RS-232, or token ring or Ethernet? The aliens use compatible frequency ranges? Not a chance. Just TOO unbelievable. I mean, I can\u2019t get a Windows XP program to work in Vista, they\u2019re both from the same vendor from the same company on the same media on the same disk. I can\u2019t get my DVR remote to work with my cable remote, and Goldbloom is hacking technology built in another galaxy by extremely advanced aliens with his 1996-era laptop? Sorry, no. Just\u2026 NO.<\/p>\n

You know what\u2019s a real sad commentary on our time? Going to a gas station, seeing that gas is $3.65 a gallon, and thinking, \u201cWow, so cheap!\u201d That is so very sad.<\/p>\n

I am consistently amazed by the sheer number of hilarious skateboard accidents on YouTube. Personal favorite is the guy who skateboarded off the roof of the house. Yeah, that was going to end well.<\/p>\n

I still need more cowbell.<\/p>\n

Finally, we\u2019ve endured a lot in Foxboro these last few years, with battles over many important issues and lines being drawn on all sides, but there\u2019s one thing we can all agree on \u2013 the great taste of ice cream. I have a personal goal of trying EVERY flavor at Crescent Ridge this summer. I believe in realistic and achievable goals.<\/p>\n

Slow news day, sigh.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Robert Gillis Published in the Boston City Paper and Foxboro Reporter, 8\/2011 Slow news day. Random thoughts. In speaking about music, kids today do not know what a \u201cB-Side\u201d is. Dear everyone in Boston: Here is an important tip \u2013 turning on your hazards while double parked does not create a magical force field […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[144],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1553","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-slow-news-day"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1553","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1553"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1553\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1553"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1553"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1553"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}