{"id":4947,"date":"1997-02-20T06:54:37","date_gmt":"1997-02-20T11:54:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/?p=4947"},"modified":"2024-03-30T14:57:40","modified_gmt":"2024-03-30T19:57:40","slug":"even-computer-geeks-immune-dreaded-bad-technology-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/?p=4947","title":{"rendered":"Even Computer Geeks Are Not Immune From the Dreaded, “Bad Technology Day”"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Computerby Robert Gillis<\/em>
\n Published in the Foxboro Reporter, 2\/1997<\/em><\/p>\n

Last week, I had a “bad technology day.”<\/p>\n

It started innocently enough last Saturday morning, when I decided it was time to finally change the outgoing message on our answering machine and drop the words, “Happy Holidays” from the greeting.<\/p>\n

Simple enough and a task done many times before. I approached Herbie, our answering machine, and began the reprogramming. (I should note here that I ordinarily don\u2019t give names to household electronics, but the answering machine says cute little messages like, “Hello, you have three messages,” or “That was your last message. I will save your messages,” or “Danger Will Robinson!” He\u2019s a friendly little guy, so I call him Herbie.)<\/p>\n

Anyway, reprogramming the message isn\u2019t too complicated, and after the obligatory rehearsals and botched messages due to the dog barking and my own uncontrollable giggling, I proceeded to record my new nine-second masterpiece.<\/p>\n

I was about to walk away as Herbie droned, “I have detected a malfunction. Please check your greeting.”<\/p>\n

Obligingly, I pressed the “check” button and heard my voice say, “Hi, you\u2019ve reached 543.” No more, no less.<\/p>\n

Miffed, I repeated the “record” instructions and left an ever better message. This one seemed to work fine, until Herbie again repeated, “I have detected a malfunction. Please check your greeting.”<\/p>\n

After much prodding and some threats about using Herbie for a Frisbee, I finally managed to get the outgoing message working properly.<\/p>\n

From there, I sat down to catch up some writing on the computer. Unlike my top-of-the-line Pentium computer at work, my home laptop is a 386-25, or in non-technology terms, “A slow as molasses antique that fits the general parameters of what we might call a computer, but without any of the bells and whistles, such as speed and reliability.”<\/p>\n

Anyway, I began my typing when I noticed that the words on the screen weren\u2019t exactly matching those on the screen. I typed “the” and got “^F],” I typed “computer” and got “~jpc+^]q.” Just like that crypto-quote puzzle, one letter stood for another.<\/p>\n

As a computer programmer by profession, I spent the next several hours meticulously trying to diagnose the problem, and determined the problem to be caused by either a) A computer virus; or b) the fact that universe was once again mad at me.<\/p>\n

I drove to work and got some virus scanning\/cleanup software, and returned home to find the laptop face down on the living room floor.<\/p>\n

“Honey,” I called to my beloved, “did you leave the computer on the floor?”<\/p>\n

“No,” came the reply. “Why?”<\/p>\n

“Because either the dog knocked it over or I think it jumped off the couch to its death.”<\/p>\n

I picked up the suicidal computer, stuck back the one key that came loose, and ran the virus-away software. Thankfully, the computer returned to normal (AKA “ludicrous slow”) operation, and typing “the” once again yielded “the”.<\/p>\n

The night was still young, and the next malfunctioning electronic item was about to make its entrance: The VCR wasn\u2019t working properly. Actually, this one was a loaner from the Sears repair shop. (I remember that because this VCR has the words “LOANER” spray-painted in white across the top of the unit. I assume this is a security feature designed to prevent me from pawning the thing if times get desperate.)<\/p>\n

“Where\u2019s the remote?” I asked.<\/p>\n

“The Sears repair guy forgot to give us one.”<\/p>\n

I digested that last bit of information as I realized that without the remote, I was limited to playing the VCR tape and that was about it. Ever the resourceful technology boy, I played with our old remote and actually got the Sears loaner to respond.<\/p>\n

As I scrolled through choices of English, French or Spanish, I came across a menu item that read, “Which remote? VCR (1\/2).” As I foolishly pressed “2,” the VCR stopped responding to the remote.<\/p>\n

More buttons were pressed, threats were made, but the VCR wasn\u2019t listening.<\/p>\n

“Uh, honey,” I said, “I think I just told the VCR to ignore me.”<\/p>\n

Giggles from the kitchen. “Um, why did you do that?”<\/p>\n

“Because I\u2019m an idiot, sweetie.”<\/p>\n

I pleaded with the VCR to stop ignoring me, all the while wondering why in the world any rational person would add an “Ignore remote” option to a VCR. Isn\u2019t that like adding an “Ignore heart attack” option to a hospital heart monitor?<\/p>\n

“We\u2019d better call Sears,” I said as I picked up the phone. In response, Herbie droned, “I have detected a malfunction. Please check your greeting.”<\/p>\n

As I raised serious questions about the chastity of Herbie\u2019s mother, it occurred to me that we had another answering machine.<\/p>\n

“Hah!” I said triumphantly to Herbie. “Your malfunctioning piece of tinfoil, you\u2019re out of here!” Then I asked about the new answering machine. “We got that new answering machine before we moved in. Let\u2019s use it.”<\/p>\n

“We can\u2019t,” my beloved replied. “I want to wait until we can mount it on the wall so it doesn\u2019t get broken, and we need to paint the wall first.”<\/p>\n

I took all of this in.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m going out for ice cream,” I finally said.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Robert Gillis Published in the Foxboro Reporter, 2\/1997 Last week, I had a “bad technology day.” It started innocently enough last Saturday morning, when I decided it was time to finally change the outgoing message on our answering machine and drop the words, “Happy Holidays” from the greeting. Simple enough and a task done […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[50,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4947","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-comptech","category-humor"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t