by Robert Gillis
\nPublished in the Foxboro Reporter, 7\/1997<\/i><\/p>\n
Not one of my best for sure; and actually a variation and redress of a paper I wrote in college for a creative writing course. It\u2019s a sort of amalgam of bad elevator experiences. A shot at humor that in retrospect wasn\u2019t too great.\u00a0 Apologies in advance!<\/p>\n
Few things in life are as terrifying as riding in an elevator. This terror has nothing to do with the fact that an elevator is little more than a flimsy metal box, precariously suspended dozens of stories above the floor of a dark and foreboding shaft by thin wire cables. No, I\u2019m talking about something far, far scarier about elevators:<\/p>\n
Elevator conversation.<\/p>\n
Take intelligent, normal people, put them together into an elevator, and watch the conversation grind to a halt like an engine with no oil. What remains is always devoted to discussions about weather.<\/p>\n
I remember one such experience a few years ago. I was at my old job, and it was around 7:30 on a frigid winter morning. As I stepped into the elevator, I barely noticed the gentleman who boarded the car with me. Half asleep, I pressed the \u201c5\u201d button,\u201d and noticed that he reached over and also pressed \u201c5.\u201d<\/p>\n
Perhaps I hadn\u2019t pressed the button in the correct manner, or maybe he also wanted to be the one to press the button\u2014I\u2019ll never know.<\/p>\n
The doors closed, and I lamented the fact that I\u2019d stayed up until 2AM watching music videos. (Note: This was many years ago, when M-TV really did play music videos. You young folks watching M-TV\u2019s \u201cBeavis & Butthead,\u201d and \u201cReal World\u201d these days might not believe me, but it\u2019s true. Ask your parents: M-TV stands for \u201cMusic Television.\u201d Honest.)<\/p>\n
Anyway, I began thinking about the icy cold can of Coca-Cola (It\u2019s not just for breakfast anymore!) that awaited me in the vending machine upstairs, along with its blessed infusion of life-giving caffeine that would restore me to some semblance of consciousness, when the gentleman cleared his throat.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, no,\u201d I thought to myself, \u201che\u2019s going to talk about the weather.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure is cold today,\u201d the man began,<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t that I was feeling unfriendly; I just wasn\u2019t at all awake and really had no desire to take part in a discussion of the incredibly obvious weather conditions outside.<\/p>\n
\u201cUh, huh,\u201d I said automatically. \u201cBut not as cold as yesterday.\u201d I hoped that would satisfy him as I scanned the elevator inspection certificate again: \u201cRATE OF TRAVEL 100 FEET PER MINUTE. IN CASE OF ACCIDENT NOTIFY THIS DEPARTMENT AT ONCE.\u201d<\/p>\n
He droned on, \u201cMe, I like it hot. I don\u2019t think summer will ever get here.\u201d<\/p>\n
The doors parted again, and two more people got on. One pressed \u201c3,\u201d and one pressed \u201c4.\u201d \u201cLocal,\u201d I thought to myself. \u201cC\u2019mon, say it: Local.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLooks like we got a \u2018local,\u2019 \u201d the man said on cue. \u201cGood morning, Ed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBill, good morning!\u201d the newcomer said with altogether too much cheer for this ungodly hour.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d I thought, \u201cat least he and his chipper friend will have something else to talk about besides the weather.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCold this morning, huh?\u201d Ed began. I didn\u2019t know Ed, but I hated him already.<\/p>\n
Bill continued, \u201cYes, we were just talking about that,\u201d he said, gesturing toward me, his new best elevator buddy. \u201cI didn\u2019t think my car would ever start this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, me too,\u201d Ed nodded. \u201cAnd that rain Saturday night\u2026 Well, it just kept coming down and down. I was ready to build an ark!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFine Ed\u2026\u201d I thought, \u201cyou and Noah take Bill with you, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
As the doors to \u201c3\u201d opened, the other passenger left and Ed continued, \u201cWell, at least it wasn\u2019t snow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the good thing about rain, you don\u2019t have to shovel it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Didn\u2019t these guys have anything else to talk about?! At this point, I happened to notice that elevator inspection certificate had expired. I imagined that the elevator would break down and I\u2019d be stuck with these guys for hours. I could well imagine how it would go:<\/p>\n
Bill: \u201cWell, we\u2019re still not moving.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ed: \u201cYes, looks like we\u2019re still stuck here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bill: \u201cNot moving at all… If only it wasn\u2019t so hot.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ed: \u201cIt is hot, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n
Bill: \u201cIt is. Me, I like it cold. How about that rain Saturday?\u201d<\/p>\n
But the elevator continued its unbelievably slow ascent, finally stopping at \u201c4\u201d as Ed stepped out. Soon, Bill and I were on our way to the 5th floor. Bill, of course, was still determined to continue our conversation. \u201cCan\u2019t wait until spring,\u201d he said. \u201cIt\u2019ll be good to have the good weather back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUh huh,\u201d I replied again, thinking, \u201cRATE OF TRAVEL 100 FEET PER YEAR. Couldn\u2019t they stock this stupid box with magazines or something?\u201d<\/p>\n
The doors finally opened on our floor, and I sprinted forward like a racehorse our of the gate. That day, I learned that avoidance of elevator conversation will wake you up much faster than caffeine. I also vowed to start taking the stairs more often, except when it\u2019s too hot outside. It has been hot lately, hasn\u2019t it? But not as hot as last week.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
by Robert Gillis Published in the Foxboro Reporter, 7\/1997 Not one of my best for sure; and actually a variation and redress of a paper I wrote in college for a creative writing course. It\u2019s a sort of amalgam of bad elevator experiences. A shot at humor that in retrospect wasn\u2019t too great.\u00a0 Apologies in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16,175],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5733","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-notthebest"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5733","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5733"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5733\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5733"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5733"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5733"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}