{"id":5845,"date":"2015-12-11T15:18:44","date_gmt":"2015-12-11T20:18:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/?p=5845"},"modified":"2015-12-12T14:23:38","modified_gmt":"2015-12-12T19:23:38","slug":"fun-with-facebook-christmas-2015-edition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/?p=5845","title":{"rendered":"Fun with Facebook: Christmas 2015 edition!"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em><a href=\"http:\/\/www.gillisphotos.com\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-4314\" src=\"http:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/13-Christmas-Still-Life-Red-And-Green-Christmas-Bulbs-300x225.jpg\" alt=\"Christmas Still Life - Red And Green Christmas Bulbs\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/13-Christmas-Still-Life-Red-And-Green-Christmas-Bulbs-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/13-Christmas-Still-Life-Red-And-Green-Christmas-Bulbs.jpg 400w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><\/em><em>by Robert Gillis<br \/>\nPublished in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper December, 2015<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Welcome to Christmas fun with Facebook, 2015 edition!<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Mark Cohen: \u201cDecember 24th, 9:00PM:\u00a0\u00a0 Benny wants ALL the RENT, and I\u2019m starting a film documentary but I\u2019m not sure how to begin because real life is so scary and sad.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Bob Gillis: Well, let me write a funny Christmas column to take your mind off all that for a little while.<\/li>\n<li>Mark Cohen: Cool, thanks.<\/li>\n<li>The town of Foxboro and 24 others like this.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Santa Claus: \u201cI know when you&#8217;re sleeping and when you&#8217;re awake. I know EVERYTHING.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>The NSA, CIA and 19 secret government organizations like this<\/li>\n<li>Zack Emo: Creepy!<\/li>\n<li>Kaylie Brittney: Enough surveillance!<\/li>\n<li>Ophelia TwilightRain: I need to clear my internet cache now!<\/li>\n<li>The ACLU: Santa, we need to talk.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Virginia O\u2019Hanlon: \u201cI\u2019m eight and my friends say there\u2019s no Santa Claus.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Zack Emo: Virginia, we\u2019ve talked about this &#8212; you&#8217;re over 50 years old. You need therapy.<\/li>\n<li>Kaylie Brittney: SHUT up Zack. Yes, sweetie, Santa exists!<\/li>\n<li>Rudolph the red nosed reindeer: Oh, he exists, and he&#8217;s always grumpy, he doesn\u2019t even pay his elves minimum wage&#8230; Man, my TV special is so dark.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ebenezer Scrooge: \u201cHey, it&#8217;s Christmas! I haven&#8217;t missed it! Looks like the spirits have done it all in one night!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Bob Cratchit: I love spirits, especially Jack Daniels, and Grey Goose Vodka!<\/li>\n<li>Mrs. Cratchit: He means GHOSTS, you doofus!<\/li>\n<li>Scrooge: No, he&#8217;s right, I meant the booze. I\u2019m a horrible boss.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Lucy Van Pelt: \u201cI don\u2019t mean to be cynical, but Christmas is a gigantic commercial racket run by a big eastern syndicate. But I\u2019ll still try to have a Merry Christmas.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Department stores: It&#8217;s December 24 and that means our Valentine&#8217;s Day sales have started!<\/li>\n<li>Lucy Van Pelt: I hate you all.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kevin McCallister: \u201cI made my family disappear! I&#8217;m Home Alone at Christmastime!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Kevin\u2019s mother: KEVIN!<\/li>\n<li>Thousands of people and hundreds of movie critics like this<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Irving Berlin shared a post: \u201cI&#8217;m dreaming of a white Christmas.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Everyone in Boston: No! Boston got 108 inches of snow last year!<\/li>\n<li>Foxboro: And we were always the jackpot zone with the most snow! No more!<\/li>\n<li>Bob Gillis: It is never to snow again. Do you hear me, Rose? I forbid it.<\/li>\n<li>Zack Emo: Who the beep is Rose?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kevin McCallister: \u201cI&#8217;m Home Alone again, this time in New York at Christmastime!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Kevin\u2019s mother: KEVIN!<\/li>\n<li>Status update: Kevin\u2019s mother is talking to the department of child safety and taking parenting courses<\/li>\n<li>400 people like this<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Clement Clarke Moore shared a post: \u201c\u2026all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse\u2026\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Bob Rivers: I&#8217;m trying&#8217; to rig up these lights! Where are the extension cords? Why are they blinking? FINE! YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!<\/li>\n<li>Clement Clarke Moore: Um, as I saying\u2026 But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight\u2026<\/li>\n<li>George Bailey: My uncle lost $8000. My business is ruined. My kid is sick. My life is over. I\u2019m going to go jump off a bridge.\u00a0\u00a0 #StupidBuildingAndLoan\u00a0\u00a0 #NeedAMiracle<\/li>\n<li>Clark Griswald: Didn\u2019t get the Christmas bonus, my perfect family Christmas is ruined\u2026<\/li>\n<li>Clement Clarke Moore: Meh. I hate you all.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bart Simpson: \u201cWe got a dog for Christmas! His name is Santa&#8217;s little helper!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Stewie Griffin: Dude &#8212; that was your first episode back in 1989.<\/li>\n<li>The Grinch: After 26 seasons, NO ONE watches the Simpsons anymore.<\/li>\n<li>Bart Simpson: No way man!\u00a0\u00a0 Who else watches the Simpsons? We\u2019re a hit TV show!<\/li>\n<li>*cricket* *cricket* *cricket*<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Nat King Cole shared a post: \u201cChestnuts roasting on an open fire\u2026\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Frosty the snowman: Hope you have a permit.<\/li>\n<li>Zack Emo: I&#8217;m allergic to peanuts.<\/li>\n<li>Nat King Cole: Oh, didn\u2019t know that. How about, turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright.<\/li>\n<li>Ophelia TwilightRain: Turkey? I&#8217;m vegan. Tofu only.<\/li>\n<li>Zack Emo: Mistletoe is a poison plant, man. Not cool.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Winter Warlock: \u201cI&#8217;m mean! REALLY mean!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Kris Kringle: Here\u2019s a toy train.<\/li>\n<li>Winter Warlock: I&#8217;m nice now. I&#8217;ll help you battle Burgermeister Meisterburger and save Christmas.<\/li>\n<li>Hobson: You purchased a choo-choo? I&#8217;m very pleased.<\/li>\n<li>Rudolph: Wow that was soooooooo easy. Y\u2019know, on MY TV Christmas special, we tamed the abominable snowman monster by having Herbie the elf pull out all his teeth! Man, what a dark message to send to kids.<\/li>\n<li>Zack Emo: Dude, you&#8217;re REALLY killing my memories of that show. [unfriend Rudolph]<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Fred Gailey: \u201cIn court defending the guy who thinks he\u2019s Santa. Your Honor, every one of these letters is addressed to Santa Claus, and the post office delivered them to this guy \u2013 my client &#8212; who claims to be Santa \u2013 which by my VERY CONVOLUTED \u201clegal logic\u201d means the whole government recognizes this guy &#8212; Kris Kringle to be Santa Claus! I rest my case!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Judge Henry X. Harper: Uh, yeah, how do I put these in legal terms you can all understand? NO.<\/li>\n<li>Fred Gailey: OK, full admission, I never went to law school.<\/li>\n<li>Rudolph: Your honor, since we&#8217;re talking law, I&#8217;d like to file a lawsuit against Santa and his reindeer. The elves have terrible working conditions, I am constantly bullied becomes of my red nose and banned from Reindeer games.<\/li>\n<li>All: SHUT UP RUDOLPH!<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Fred Holywell: \u201cI wish you all a very Merry Christmas!&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Colonel Gracie: Here, Here!<\/li>\n<li>Molly Brown: Well said, Jack. I mean, Fred.<\/li>\n<li>Scrooge: Sounds like we\u2019re wrapping this up, so I say we need an inspirational quote from \u201cRent\u201d now.<\/li>\n<li>Rent cast: Sure, How about: \u201cLove is a gift from up above. Share love, give love, spread love, measure, measure your life in love.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Scrooge: Cool, thanks.<\/li>\n<li>Robert Gillis: Hopes this column made you smile and wishes all of you a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Holidays and an awesome new year!<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Robert Gillis Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper December, 2015 Welcome to Christmas fun with Facebook, 2015 edition! &nbsp; Mark Cohen: \u201cDecember 24th, 9:00PM:\u00a0\u00a0 Benny wants ALL the RENT, and I\u2019m starting a film documentary but I\u2019m not sure how to begin because real life is so scary and sad.\u201d Bob [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[39,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5845","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-christmas","category-humor"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5845","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5845"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5845\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5845"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5845"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.robertxgillis.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5845"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}