SlowNewsDayFullby Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City Paper 1/2008

Proving that no news is still news and the media vultures will pounce on any celebrity gossip no matter how trivial, and since there isn’t any real news happening (say, a war, or a Presidential election, or catastrophic weather occurrences or something) The NATIONAL BLABBER is proud to bring you this EXCLUSIVE Britney Spears update!

EXCLUSIVE! — Britney Spears has “suffered from something for years,” says a source close to the singer’s father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.

Two separate sources who claim to know a guy who was once an acquaintance of the Dominos Pizza delivery guy for Spears’ zip code both believe the singer has never been formally diagnosed with tripolar disorder, Ebola, Malaria, or severe disk defragmentation, but ” … there is no question … ” they then trailed off, declining to elaborate.

Dr. Julia Bond, a Boston cardiologist, who has not treated Spears but wanted to weigh in anyway, said, “People who show patterns of behavior like Britney are suffering from a medical condition, most likely hypengyophobia, ailurophasia — the fear of cats, climacaphobia, thalassophobia, gephyrobia — which is the fear of crossing bridges — or maybe pantophobia, the fear of everything.” When someone in the crowd realized Bond had just quoted exact dialogue from “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” the doctor explained she had an emergency appendectomy to perform and bolted from the press conference.

In September, Spears was characterized by the Supreme Court in her custody case as follows: “Gimmee More is a fun song with a great beat and you can dance to it, but Spears’ VMA performance was disappointing and lifeless.” She has been ordered to stay away from the VMA music awards.

Dr. Eric Cartman, the founder of a high-end treatment center in Malibu Beach, Dorchester, “Promises, Shmomises,” has said that based on media coverage of Spears’s behavior (that being the best, most scientific medically sound way to diagnose a patient) “She appears be a human female, definitely a mammal, and bipedal,” and, he added, ” … very pretty!”

Several friends of Spears best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with a girl who saw Spears pass out at 31 Flavors last night.

“I guess it’s pretty serious,” one added.

This magazine has learned from multiple sources (Wikipedia) that Britney Spears may have been romantically involved with Justin Timberlake at some point in the past. Calls to Mr. Timberland were not immediately returned.

Dr. Vladimir O’Malley, a noted astronomer, added that, ‘When a person like Britney Spears has this kind of problem, it’s very hard for them to be a good parental unit, because every now and then they get a little bit restless and dream of something wild. But they generally have to hit bottom — perhaps even the Marianas Trench, the deepest point on Earth — in order to turn around.”

This weekend, Spears was laughing hysterically as she was taken away by ambulance, leading law-enforcement official to consider the dreadful possibility of laughing gas, and that the Joker is on the loose again. Efforts are being made to contact Batman.

A close family friend of someone who doesn’t know anything says, “The tragic thing is that Britney is so shy, and hates the Press. She just wants to be left alone and tend to her garden and knitting.”

We will of course keep you updated the moment absolutely nothing happens.

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