by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City Paper, 3/2018

Because some humor is desperately needed right now… Because I just CANNOT bring myself to address the tragedies and scandals facing this nation — Every. Single. Day… Because I need a break… And we all need a little distraction and absurdity, and in response to your millions of cards and letters [not so much] I once again present my SLOW NEWS DAY, RANDOM THOUGHTS!

I like that the post office offers “forever” stamps that can be purchased for a certain price and are still valid even if the price of stamps goes up. Question: Isn’t “forever” still a bit ambitions for a name? I mean, if an archeologist finds an unused forever stamp in the year 2854, can he or she still use it in a time-period where mail is delivered telepathically? Can a forever stamp be used during or after the Zombie Apocalypse? I feel like these matters should be clarified, or perhaps I have too much time on my hands.

Doesn’t matter what teams are playing, the day after the Super Bowl should be a national paid holiday for everyone. And if that offends you, I’ll just wish you “Happy Holiday” that day.

Speaking of TV, I am very amused that the TV commercial featuring dogs parallel-parking a car has the disclaimer, “Professional driver, do not attempt.” It really does say that and I say, SERIOUSLY? DOGS can become professional drivers? That is AWESOME. Question: When a dog gets a driver’s license, does he have to be two and a half dog years old, or 16 human years old? I believe the RMV should clarify this point.

Speaking of both “do not attempt” and washing, (Nice segue there — right? Am I right???) I have a message to kids today: You may mock your parents for the primitive way we grew up, and for our outdated and foolish ideas, and yeah, we will never be as cool as you kids, BUT, BUT: At least *WE* were never so STUPID that we challenged each other to eat CONCENTRATED LAUNDRY DETERGENT PODS. Kids today, you have set the bar to a new low, and no matter what stupid thing I ever do, I can always say, “At least I don’t eat Tide Pods on a dare.”

Speaking of eating, I read on Facebook [citation needed] that National Pizza Day was last month. Why was I not given more notice about this? I didn’t know about this until it was over, which means I missed having a pizza on an official holiday celebrating pizza. Oh, and to everyone who doesn’t like pizza, “Happy Holiday.”

Speaking of Facebook, I would like to say the following: “Dear everyone: If you post on social media that you are at a hospital or emergency room, you obviously want people to KNOW you are there. Please know we DO care about you and will pray, have good thoughts for you, and so on. We love you, OK? But PLEASE don’t just say “At the Emergency Room” with NO follow up. It makes people all kinds of crazy worried about you. We then post, “Are you OK?” “OMG what happened?” Then, we get RADIO SILENCE from you, so we assume that you died just after you posted that or went into cardiac arrest before you could write more. Either say WHY you’re at the hospital or don’t post. It really annoys the people who are worrying about you. Especially when four days later you post a meme about a kitten.” End of rant.

Speaking of Facebook, I propose that when you post something as a “fact,” you need to cite your source, just like on a high school essay. So when you post, “As Abraham Lincoln said, ‘Freedom is best enjoyed at Starbucks with a pumpkin latte,’ “– I want to click a button that says “Cite your sources or delete.” Of course, that would wipe out half of most people’s online content, including my own.

FUN FACT: If TWITTER had the same rule, “Cite Your Sources or Delete,” well, um, there would be NO Tweets from the White House. Like, EVER. Believe me. OK? A lot of people, a lot of people, are saying that, OK? You know it, I know it, and everyone knows it.

Speaking of Twitter, here’s a real conversation between my nephew and me: Colin: “So… We’ve covered Instagram, Snap-chat, and Twitter, how texting works…” Bob: “This new learning fascinates me.” Colin: {Sigh}

Also, a few months back Colin was on his way out and he turned and said to me, “Say hi to the Romulans,” and I just thought, “This kid really understands me.”

Speaking of out of this world, I say it is time to abolish the Electoral College and make Pluto a planet again. [Note: I did absolutely NO research for that one.]

Speaking of planets, daylight savings time is coming in a week of so (Spring Forward!) and at 2AM many people across the world set their clocks ahead one hour. What I stay awake wondering: How this will affect the Earth’s rotation? I believe that scientific evidence has already showed the planet is rotating slightly faster to try to compensate for the lost hour [citation needed]. The only question remains, what if the speeding up continues to accelerate past terminal velocity and we are flung off Earth and into the sun? Do you ever CONSIDER that when you set the clocks ahead? No – you just want an hour of daylight in the evening and so you capriciously fling your clocks ahead an hour without even thinking of the natural order of the time space continuum or cosmic consequences. (#AlternativeFacts)

Speaking of spring, in just a few weeks we celebrate Happy Saint Patrick’s Day — so I say Shamrocks and Corned Beef and Cabbage for all! Oh, wait, this 2018 — I’m sure that offended someone, somewhere. So again, ‘Happy Holiday.” Um… and I don’t want to offend…. Maybe it’s not a shamrock, so can we call it a three leaf HOLIDAY plant? Or something? And what if you’re a Vegan and don’t eat corned beef? Can I use Irish Spring bath soap or does that make me a poser? And Leprechauns — are they good or evil supernatural beings? Can you properly celebrate the day, and if not, isn’t that religious exclusion? Wait, if I have a bowl of Lucky Charms on Saint Patrick’s Day am I buying into / endorsing the over-commercialization and secular aspects of Saint Patrick’s Day? Is eating the Lucky Charms endorsing sorcery? Because I don’t want to do that, but don’t want to offend sorcerers. I am SO confused on what I’m supposed to be offended by these days.

Well, that’s all for now; we all need a little humor break now and again; I hope I sincerely made you smile. We now return to the Constitutional Crisis, already in progress.