RobertXGillis

RobertXGillis

25+ years of published Op/Ed columns, professional photography, my first book and more from the 28 known galaxies!

RobertXGillis
  • About Me
  • My professional photography
  • Nana – my first published book
  • Gillis Photo and Nana Videos
  • Site Map
  • Nativity

Handy Guide to Car Repair

  • Humor
Typical Car Information System, circa 2151 AD
Typical Car Information System, circa 2151 AD

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter in 1998 and the Boston City Paper 2006

Not being a member of wealthy society, my family and I all drive cars that are, shall we say, “vintage,” and most have such unusually high mileage that they make the guy at Jiffy-Lube raise an eyebrow and ask, “Really?” when we give him the odometer reading.

Be that as it may, the cars had all been running fairly well for some time, yet recently Mom, my sister and I all had car problems of varying degrees and complexity. For Mom, it got so bad that she put a little hand-printed card in her car listing not only her mechanic’s phone number but her AAA code as well.

Most cars these days are preposterously complicated and have thousands of unnecessary parts that all must work in harmony or the car just doesn’t move. Most of these parts sound a little suspicious, too. I mean, have you ever really seen a Neutral Safety Valve, Position Throttle Sensor, Catalytic converter, or Subspace Warp Field Regulator?

With car repair in mind, I have devised the following handy checklist for car owners. Using this simple form, you can narrow down car problems, make diagnosis easier, and have a better understanding of why your car is behaving the way it is.

1. THE NOISE MY CAR IS MAKING CAN BE BEST COMPARED TO:
a) Two pounds of marbles spinning in a high speed blender
b) Metal scraping against concrete
c) A wounded animal screaming in pain
d) A 1930 airplane in a fatal spiraling crash dive
e) Can’t hear noise; radio playing “Backstreet Boys” at high volume.

2. WHAT MADE YOU FIRST SUSPECT SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH THE CAR?
a) Sluggish acceleration / performance
b) Car “felt” wrong
c) Fire coming from under hood
d) Dashboard lighting up like a Christmas tree / smoke from dashboard / “CHECK EVERYTHING” light came on
e) Car doesn’t seem to move.
f) Arresting officer said so in his accident report

3. THE CAR IS LEAKING FLUID. THE FLUID LOOKS LIKE:
a) Mountain Dew cola (anti-freeze)
b) The red stuff you make candy apples with (transmission)
c) Oil (Hmmm… what could this be?)
d) Blood (You may have bigger problems than car repair)

4. YOU MAY HAVE A COMPUTER PROBLEM. CONSIDER:
a) Has the “MAP” sensor failed before?
b) The main computer chip, or “ECU,” may have failed. Are many seemingly unrelated functions not working?
c) Have you upgraded to Windows 95?

5. PERHAPS YOU HAVE BRAKE PROBLEMS:
a) You notice the car never seems to stop at: intersections / red lights / at all
b) People often shout “Look out!” when they drive with you.
c) Smell of burning asbestos lingers around your car and clothes
d) Your car has annoying tendency to hit other cars despite your best intentions not to
e) Arresting officer said so in his accident report

6. ELECTRICAL PROBLEM CHECKLIST:
a) Road seems really, really dark at night
b) Pressing horn turns on left blinker
c) Pressing left blinker makes horn beep
d) Strange burning smell coming from fuse box
e) Lighting seems to strike your vehicle more than the Empire State Building.

7. NEXT, WE CHECK THE TIRES. YOU MAY NEED TO REPLACE THE TIRES IF ANY OF THE FOLLOWING ARE TRUE:
a) Whumpa-whumpa-whumpa sound gets louder the faster you drive.
b) There a lot of metal spiky things sticking out of the tires.
c) The last time you checked the tire pressure was during the Reagan administration.

8. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING DO YOU REQUIRE TO KEEP YOUR CAR RUNNING PROPERLY?
a) jumper cables
b) extra oil/power steering/other fluids
c) distress flares
d) cell phone with “911” or “AAA” on speed dial
e) tow truck
f) another car
g) Super-Duper AAA Plus membership with unlimited service call option.

Oh, one other thing: Am I the only one who thinks that “Enterprise” Car commercial is really goofy? You know the one: The woman calls up and says, “Hi, I’m at the repair shop.” Behind her is a gigantic sign that says: REPAIR SHOP. Quickly, an Enterprise rental car — wrapped completely in brown wrapping paper (including the windows) — comes charging to her rescue. I know one thing: If you’re driving around with your car covered in brown wrapping paper, my little repair list isn’t going to help you, and your car problems are only beginning!

That’s a good safety tip to leave you with: Don’t drive on the highway with your car windows covered with brown wrapping paper — it annoys other drivers.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)

Related

Related Posts via Categories

  • Play the TV News Snow Game! (Global Warming #alternativefacts means more snow!)
  • Fun with Facebook: Christmas 2015 edition!
  • Silver Age Superman Fun: STOP THE PRESSES! Somebody sent Superman… A LETTER!!!!!!!
  • Because you demanded it: Another Slow News Day (Summer 2014)
  • Fun with Facebook: Christmas 2010 edition!
  • What if “The Christmas Song” were written in 2010?
  • How was my vacation? It’s great to be home!
  • Facebook Fun: A Parody!
  • Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and yes, Virginia, he knows that the world is ending in 2012
  • Movie Reviews are easier than you think!
Spread the love
January 3, 1998 Robert Gillis 0

Post navigation

A treadmill for dogs? → ← Brandy

My Professional Photography

Buy My Book!

Go to Nana Book website

Follow Me!

  • Facebook

RobertXGillis.com Categories (Drop Down Menu)!

Category Cloudy Thingy!

A must read Avoiding Fraud Backstreets Boston Bruce Springsteen Catholic / Church Christmas CNN image Computers / Tech Current Events / News Commentary Current News Story Parody and Humor Dorchester Foxboro Foxboro Founders Day Foxboro Jaycees Foxboro Jaycees Haunted House Foxboro Reporter Image Halloween Holidays - Other Humor Life events, Gratitude and Giving and Little Miracles Mass Shootings Memorials Movies Music My fiction (80s/90s) Nana Book NASA Image New Hampshire News image from Web New Year Not The Best Pets Politics Scanned From Newspaper Microfilm Seniors September 11, 2001 Slow News Day Humor Sports Star Trek Superman Superman and Friends - Comic Book Humor and Parody Television Uncategorized Web / Email / Internet / Social Media

Robert Gillis Site Archives From the 28 Known Galaxies

Weekly Popular!

  • A dream come true, meeting Joanna Cameron, star of… (38)
  • Memories of an Intensive Care Nursery at Saint… (14)
  • Grieving the Saint Kevin’s Property (13)
  • An interview with Joanna Levesque, aka “JoJo” (10)
  • Katy Perry’s “Firework:” A message every teen needs to hear (9)
  • A loss too deep for words: Remembering Lorraine and… (9)
  • Memo: Cost-cutting measures during these tough… (8)
  • Silver Age Comics: Spanking your super kids, a great… (8)
  • Play the TV News Snow Game! (Global Warming… (5)
  • The Weakest Link (5)
  • Silver Age Comic Books: Superman stops the… (5)
  • Silver-Age Superboy comic book (in)justice! (4)
  • 1997 – Keep the Patriots in Foxboro —… (4)
  • An historical quest fulfilled: Finding the Willey… (4)
  • What was the Silver Age of comic books? Superman,… (4)
  • Retro-Review “A Christmas Carol” (1951) (4)
  • Humor: The missing William Shatner scene in J.J.… (3)
  • More Silver-Age Lois Lane comic book madness! (3)
  • A letter to Mom on Christmas Day (3)
  • More Lucy Lane and Lois Lane Silver-Age Comics Sillyness! (3)
  • The Church still stands: Remembering the promise of… (3)
  • Whatever Happened to the Man of Steel? — My… (2)
  • Almost completed: The WMJX 106.7 “Magic of… (2)
  • You can go home again; my visit to Dorchester and… (2)
  • Silver Age Superman Comics Review: The irresistible… (2)
  • Popular posts by Top 10 plugin

Most Popular On This Site!

  • A dream come true, meeting Joanna Cameron, star of… (16,722)
  • An interview with Joanna Levesque, aka “JoJo” (6,153)
  • A letter to Mom on Christmas Day (3,655)
  • Memo: Cost-cutting measures during these tough… (3,300)
  • Silver Age Comics: Spanking your super kids, a great… (2,724)
  • Memories of an Intensive Care Nursery at Saint… (2,328)
  • Thoughts on visiting seven churches on Holy Thursday (1,716)
  • Father Steve Madden leaving Saint Mary’s… (1,623)
  • Grieving the Saint Kevin’s Property (1,534)
  • The National Shrine of Our Lady of La Salette in… (1,513)
  • The customer, most assuredly, is NOT always right: A… (1,397)
  • More Lucy Lane and Lois Lane Silver-Age Comics Sillyness! (1,213)
  • Katy Perry’s “Firework:” A message every teen needs to hear (1,043)
  • Silver-Age Comics fun: Going to the chapel, and… (1,042)
  • What was the Silver Age of comic books? Superman,… (1,036)
  • Popular posts by Top 10 plugin

Copyright and Legal

All site content copyright © 2020 by Robert Gillis except where specifically noted. All rights reserved. THIS IS A PERSONAL WEBLOG (“BLOG”). THE OPINIONS AND COMMENTARY EXPRESSED HERE REPRESENT MY OWN AND ARE NOT THOSE OF MY EMPLOYERS (PAST, PRESENT NOR FUTURE).

About images:

I do my best to use my own photos to illustrate a post (and copyright to all my images remains with me), but sometimes I need to use an image from, say, a sports logo, a TV show or movie, or something I could not possibly get on my own, for example, an image of the international space station. I always credit the original owner (if they can be determined) but in ALL cases, whether credited or not, any images I didn’t photograph myself remain the property of the original copyright holders. This site does not imply any ownership of such images or materials, and such images are used here for commentary / illustrative / entertainment purposes only, under what is believed to be fair use guidelines, and absolutely no copyright infringement is intended.

Powered by WordPress | theme SG Double