By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper, 12/2009
“DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. “Some of my BFFs and Frenemys say there will be no Christmas in 2012 because the world is going to end on December 21, 2012 — four days before Christmas. Last year (and the year before, and the year before) you told me Santa Claus DOES exist. Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE FOXBORO REPORTER it’s so.’ Please tell me the truth; if Santa Claus does exist, what is he doing to ensure we have Christmas in 2012? — Sincerely, Virginia Boughs-O’Holly, Foxboro.
Virginia, for the seventeenth time, Santa Claus is real, OK? Stop writing to ask me that every year. It was cute for while, now it’s just plain annoying. But I must say, you little scamp, that your letter warms my heart. The world is ending, humanity is 35 months away from extinction, and you want to make sure you still get your Christmas presents. That’s so adorable. And by adorable I mean disheartening.
Anyway, your little friends are right! As everyone knows by now, the Mayan calendar ends on the Winter Solstice, 2012, and experts in science, religion, astronomy, history, astrology, dance instruction, and the X-Files all agree with the Mayan predictions: Time’s up for Earth!
According to extensive research and informed sources (Wikipedia) The Mayan Prophecy is 120% accurate. On December 21, 2012, we can definitely expect unprecedentedly gigantic solar flares causing the continents to shift, the rise of the machines, a nearby supernova, the explosion of the black hole at the center of our galaxy, a gamma ray burst, asteroids / meteors / comet impacts, a massive extraterrestrial invasion, a magnetic pole shift, a new ice age, the previously invisible 12th planet Nibiru smashing into Earth, or just a normal day where nothing much happens at all. Everyone on Earth is unanimous in their opinion that one of these scenarios will definitely occur that day.
With that in mind, Santa Claus — who I have told you seventeen times, IS REAL — has made the following changes to his routine for the Christmas season three years from now:
First, and most importantly, in 2012, Santa has requested that Christmas Day will be moved to June 25, 2012. The reasons are two: 1) The weather will be nicer; 2) after December 21, 2012, all that remains of Earth will likely be exploding into space at twice the speed of sound. Whether we will have a white Christmas will be the least of our problems.
Second, in anticipation of the big goodbye three years hence, Santa’s workshop has closed its toys division and is working full-time on ‘2012′ themed gifts. On Christmas Eve (June 24) 2012, Santa will be delivering aluminum foil hats (to prevent telepathic control by the space aliens), an asteroid deflector (made of sturdy tin), “12-21-12” sweatshirts (to keep you warm in case of an ice age), “Last Day 12.21.12” t-shirts (to keep you cool in case of a nuclear meltdown and/or volcano) and sunglasses (in case of solar flares, cosmic ray burst or the Earth exploding). Please note: Santa’s lawyers insist that he informs you that these items are for novelty purposes only and will likely not protect you from, or prevent, the apocalypse.
Third, Santa will be stuffing stockings with digital cameras, noting that the end of the world will offer numerous opportunities for photography and capturing memories of the day the solar system exploded. Of course, how these photos will be printed (and by whom) is problematic at best, but the thought was there, anyway.
And fourth, Santa reminds all good little children to get their letters in EARLY in 2012, because anyone planning ANYTHING after 12/21/2012 is just a hopeless optimist. Yep, “hopeless optimist.” Santa Claus really said that. See, Virginia, after all these years of YOU doubting HIM, we learn that Santa is a REALIST. Ironic, no?
Finally Virginia, I need to make a correction to my response to your letter last year: I originally said: “No Santa Claus! Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.” That response to you needs to be revised as follows: “No Santa Claus! Thank [deleted by the ACLU] he lives, and he lives until 2012. Three years from now, nay, thirty six months from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood as the sun aligns with the galactic center and the world ends all around us in spectacular destruction.”
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus … And he’s ready for 2012. The question you should be asking, my dear, is … ARE YOU? Merry Christmas, Virginia. Sweet dreams!