by Robert Gillis
published in the Boston City Paper 10/2007

SCAM: You receive an email from a someone you don’t know claiming you have won a large amount of money in a lottery you have never heard of. He promises you, a total stranger (but a trusted one) all the details to collect your billions. This is a REAL FRAUD which costs its victim THOUSANDS. These scammers will usually ask recipients to wire money from small fees to larger payments of thousand of dollars via Western Union or Moneygram to “cover taxes,” or for a “release fee” or for vague “legal costs.” They also ask for all kinds of personal information, copies of driver’s license, passport, PIN codes, leading to IDENTITY THEFT.

WARNING: My parody below is for laughs but the fraud is real.

If you EVER receive an email even remotely similar to this:

• DELETE IT, DELETE IT, DELETE IT.
• DO NOT EVER GIVE OUT YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION (BANKING, SOCIAL SECURITY, ANYTHING) TO PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW!

My parody… (Just for laughs)

Euro Bazillions Lottery SPF 30.,
2011 Smoke and Mirrors Boulevard Street
Corto Maltese

Euro Bazillions are a subsidiary of Lotteries International And Regional (LIAR), and the Foundation of Registered Altruistic United Donors (FRAUD)

Dearest Sir / Madam / Zeeba Naybuh,

CONGRATULATIONS: YOU WON EURO$1,000,000.00 !!!!!

Please excuse our English — although we am professional international lottery headquarters with billions in assets, we cannot find anyone to properly translate this letter into the second most spoken language on planet Earth. So kindly ignore their grammatical, sppelling, ,!punctuaion, and keep reading!?

We are super-pleased to inform you that you are a winner of the result of Euro Bazillions Lottery SPF 30, which you’ve never heard of, which was held on the 2007th of June in Saint Vincent and the Grenadines. Due to the mix up of numbers and address and the holidays (Groundhog Day, Feast of Saint Betty of Narnia, Lindsay Lohan’s birthday), the results were released on the only now, hence the delay in notification of your prize money.

You were entered unaware as an independent email participant with ticket number: [function random(){ $n = rand(0, 9);return $n;}] with cereal number 4 8 15 16 23 42. Your email address attached to Lucky Draw number: [function random(){ $n = rand(0, 9);return $n;}] with BoNus number 1 which consequently won the Euro Bazillions Lottery lottery in the 33rd category. We have no idea what that means either.

The online cyber lotto-o-matic draws was conductored from an exclusive list of 100,000 e-mail addresses of individuals, corporates, and subscribers to the Moscow Bugle-Tribune by an advanced automated hydroponic random computer search from the world wide internet. No tickets were sold. (That much is 100% true).

This monthly lottery, was promoted, by the software corporation, whose software you, bought last year to compensate, some few individuals with website and email addresses, huh?

This promotion takes place weekly. Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our representative office in Iceland as indicated in your play coupon. (Wait — What coupon??? Weren’t they entered unaware and their email address was matched with the lucky number, oh, the hell with it.)

In view of this, your £1,350,000(Three million, eight hundred and eleven thousand, pounds Euro) will be released to you by any of our payment offices in Longbranch, New Jersey, and you will receive the remaining sum of $EURO£14,0230,013200.00 (One Bazillion Pesos) shared among the twenty five international winners in each category (Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species).

Because of some mix-up with sweepstake prizes and ITERPOL’s aggressive fraud division, you need to move FAST! Including the time limited placed on the payment of your prize and the therefore and the so forth:, I, Pollux Faunus Neptune Gemini, advice that you keep all information about this prize confidentil from local law enforcement until your funds, have been withdrawn transferred from to your hopefully not overdrawn bank account by our bank in Barbados. You must adhesive to this instruction, strictly, to avoid any delay with the release of your amazing winnings.

Required legal disclaimer: This program has been abused by us severely in past, and we are doing our blasphemy to forestall bombastic claims unless we are the ones making them, in which circumflex, it’s all chronological.

This email sweepstake was conducted under the watchful eyes of 5000 spectators.Your e-mail address was selected from all the email addresses and came out first by an e-ballot draw from over 200,000 e-mail addresses (personal email addresses and and corporate e-mail addresses).

We hope that you have not noticed that in the first part of the email we speak about certain winning numbers and now we’re saying that your e-mail address was drawn. That might seem contradictory. Please jettison common sense and keep reading.

This program is sponsored by CFI (Complete Fraud International) networks to compensate faithful internet suffers around the globe. Your actual mileage may vary.

Congratulations for becoming one of the few lucky winners whose spam filter let this e-mail through. Hey, guess what! You’ll also be included be included in the next sweepstake of EURO5$$ Trillion-Bazillion and an all expense paid trip to the international space station!

tyle=””>Your winning prize sum is now deposited in a very special account with the officially approved bank based in Vatican City. To begin your claim, contact me, DarkMoon MagentaVampyre, at the the paying bank in Liechtenstein as they will guide you step by step by step by step towards claiming your INCREDDIBLY prize!!!!

Also give me, Chill-E Notorious 3000, the following information:- YOUR FULL NAME, CONTACT STREET ADDRESS, TELEPHONE NUMBERS, CREDIT CARD NUMBERS, BANK ACCOUNT NUMBERS, TIMES YOU ARE NOT HOME, WHERE YOU KEEP THE SPARE HOUSE KEY

REF Number: NCC-1701-A

BATCH No: NX-01

Remember, all prize money must be claimed within 14 Days from today. Afterthis date all funds will be returned to the MINISTERIO DE ECONOMIA Y HAMBURGLER as unclaimed.

For processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice, you will be required to contact me, Legolas D’Artagnan, and make a payment of (US$900) eight hundred and seventy five DOLLARS UNITED STATES DOLLARS to notarize and laminate your lotto prize cheque in the supreme court of the Federated States of Micronesia since the cheque has been issued in the name of your appointed lawyer, Kamaria Imai Limusi of the legal firm of Hermione, Sparkle and Ninja. This prepaid fee is required under the judicial constitution in accordance with article [function random(){ $n = rand(0, 9);return $n;}] subsection 1 as amended.

Your classified security file number is 1-2-3-4-5-6 (keep personal). Failure to claim your winning prize willmean that your winning prize will be re-staked in our next Lottery draws, stupid! So ensure that the needful things is done now and quickly too. And hurry up. Once again, accept our profound and sincere. Something. We’re in such a hurry we forgot what we want you to accept from us. But it must be profound and sincere.

Mr. Raman Noodles
Email: liarliar@tempaccounts.yahoo.org
Processing Department — Lottery Department Section, Euphoric Moose

Congratulations on your winning.

Yours Sincerely,

Wait, why is someone else signing this?

Yours Sincerely,

Dolus Fraudatio
Online Co-Ordinator Euro Bazillions SPF, Monaco and Nauru and planet Naboo

Remember: If you win a cash prize or inherited money, you would be notified by certified mail (NO OTHER WAY). The scammers may send you a check or money order as an “advance” and ask you to send money to get the rest. But that’s not how legitimate contest promoters or law firms operate. The check is a fake! If you suddenly come into money, you will pay taxes directly to the government, not to the scammers. They say you won a foreign lottery or sweepstakes, but that’s impossible unless you traveled to that country to enter. It is illegal to buy or sell tickets across the U.S. border. Be informed! Be safe!