by Robert Gillis
Published in The Foxboro Reporter 4/2004

Contrary to the sounds of jungle shrieking coming from my house, Sue and I have not purchased a truckload of monkeys. Our new addition to the family is actually a parrot. A very loveable, very loud, very opinioned parrot.

Her name is Jasmine. She's about 20" tall, weighs two pounds, and is all attitude. Jasmine is a Mollucan Cockatoo (or as we call her, a Ma-LOONEY WHACK-A-TOO). She's a large white bird with a salmon tinge in her feathers with the definitive pink cockatoo crest, pretty eyes and flight feathers colored in pink and bright yellow.

I've read that the Moluccan becomes very affectionate after a short time. This is very true; speaking as a guy who's never owned a bird, it took me precisely three seconds to fall in love with this little fathered being. I'm very taken with her. I'm also clearly a glutton for punishment.

Moluccans are very intelligent, and can mimic human speech, which means Jasmine has varying modes of conversation. Mode one is when, at any given moment, she might run through every phrase she knows, 'Hello!" "I'm a good girl!" "Hello!" "Hi Bobby!" "Uh-oh!" and others. Because she picks up words so quickly, we have learned not to use the "F" word in front of her.

Conversation mode two is the chirp-chirp-chirp associated with most birds.

Mode three is the part of the evening we like to call "crazy time." When excited, Moluccans like Jasmine will raise their crest, stamp their feet and clack their bills. She then puffs up like a blowfish (which we refer to as "poofing") and begins her outrageous tirade. This behavior is particular to the Moluccan and well demonstrated by Jasmine. Crazy time has begun as Jasmine bobs her head up and down, swoops her body around in what to the untrained eye appear to be epileptic seizures, and then proceeds to screech at a decibel level that drowns out most leaf blowers.

Sometimes, the screech-fest becomes too much for us, and that means it's "Birdie Bedtime" and Jasmine goes back into her cage, which is then covered. She's not stupid, and doesn't immediately associate the blanket-coverings for nighttime darkness, and often will poke at the blankets to knock them down, or climb down to the bottom of the cage and peak out. Even this morning, I watched with fascination as she repeatedly pulled the covers from the inside until they fell away.

Jasmine is also the only animal I have ever encountered that can convey the very human emotion of indignation. If Jasmine is offended (i.e., if we only pat her 23 hours today) she will pull her head back, hiss, and convey a look of pure, "How dare you?! I am royalty, dammit!"

Her majesty also has a laugh that is absolutely hysterical - she laughs when we do, and often, she laughs for no reason at all. Note to self: Do drug testing on bird.

Jasmine has the peculiar habit of clacking her beak when she is interested in something (i.e., everything). Like most cockatoos, she enjoys hopping on the ground (which caused me to give her the nickname, "Hop along Beaky."

Once she's out and about, she's pure attitude. Ever see a tiny car on the highway try to take on an eighteen wheeler? Jasmine is the tiny car. My dogs are the trucks. I have watched Jasmine climb down her cage, walk across the floor to one of the dogs, bite him, and then run back to her cage like some little thief in the night. Thankfully, my dogs either ignore her or have yet to realize Jasmine might be a tasty snack.

Jasmine loves to play, and requires a variety of toys to satisfy her curiosity, playfulness, and need to chew. Her little beak is very strong and all her toys therefore have to be big and durable - we have literally created blocks of wood from two by fours, which she has managed to shred in short order. Like all Moluccans, she is quite mechanical and has actually learned to open her cage.

Jasmine is very cuddly and affectionate. Cockatoos like Jasmine love nothing more than a good snuggle with their favored human. I often tell Sue that I am Jasmine's favorite because I have never used the words "rotisserie" and "jasmine" in the same sentence, as Sue has. Many nights, I'll be watching TV and my little beaky bird will hop over and tuck her head for me to scratch it. She absolutely melts. The problem is that once her attention stops (even if that attention lasted hours) she gets mad. She is a very high maintenance being. (See also: Human, female)

Clearly, Moluccan Cockatoos can be dangerous if not handled properly and are not ideal pets for households with small children. After all, Jasmine can open a Brazil nut with very little effort. So this type of bird isn't for everyone. But she's clearly for Susan and me. She found us.

Now if you'll excuse me, Jasmine is shrieking about something. Apparently I misquoted her. Or she wants more apple juice. Or she wants to eat the TV remote. Wait - now she's giggling again. Now she's saying hello again. Now I'm getting the evil look.

Despite the chaos and unpredictability, I am absolutely amazed how this silly little bird has brought so much love and laughter into our lives. I'm thrilled that we get to be the caretaker of such an adorable and fascinating little being. And considering that Moluccans can live 60-80 years, our fun is just beginning.