This day in history
By Robert Gillis

In 24,982,182,512 BC, the primordial atom exploded in what scientists call “The Big Bang” and created the known galactic multiverse.

In 1,991,762 BC, Zarg Ug invented the wheel.

In 172 AD, the explosion of a star in the Crab Nebula was interpreted on Earth as a divine sign to the Rihannsu tribe to massacre their neighbors, the ch'Havran tribe. Thousands were slaughtered before a local astronomer explained that the bright light in the sky was merely a stellar mass being ejected from a class O super giant star and its attendant hydrogen-helium fission super luminescence, and not a sign from the Incan Monkey God. Embarrassed by the misunderstanding, the two tribes quickly resolved their differences and formed the nation-state of Kentucky.

In 982, nothing happened anywhere.

In 1207, much of Greenland was destroyed by an atomic war with Belgium.

In 1777, Thomas Jefferson was the first person to use EBay, selling an autographed draft of the Declaration of Independence for $22.67.

In 1812, Cuba became the 17th state. Two days later, a clerk realized that he meant to write “Columbus” and not “Cuba” on the admission form. Cuba was removed, Ohio became the 17th state, and Cuban leader Manuel Override vowed, “Even if it takes 150 years, the United States will be talking about Cuba!”

In 1944 in an alternate reality, the Enterprise NX-01 engaged a squad of refitted Nazi airplanes over Manhattan before successfully destroying a temporal vortex and resetting the timeline.

In 1945, the United States exploded a nuclear bomb in Alamagordo, New Mexico. Unfortunately, the worst fears of the scientists were realized when the explosion ignited the atmosphere, destroying all life on earth.

In—1947, a——fl———— —————r crashed at Roswell, New Mexico. ————————government ————————— recovered— the ——————e—wreckage The ——iens were taken to —rea 51. Scientists were able to ——————the UF— and determine that the aliens ——————— ——————— fourth planet orbiting Zeta 2 Reticuli IV. ————under control of these aliens —————extraterrestrials————— ——————— final—invasion ———————— eradicating all human ———————————— ———————————before—alien—colonization.

In 1948, the planet Krypton exploded in the Xeno galaxy.

In 1955, the first Olympic Games were held in Athens, Greece. The torch was lit by Prometheus himself.

In 1969, the US Government faked the moon landing.

In 1981, Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins took home "Best Actor," "Best Actress," and "Best Picture" for "The Blue Lagoon."

In 1989, Natalie Schafer won her sixth Emmy award for her portrayal of Mrs. Lovey Howell, in TV’s longest running series, “Gilligan’s Island.” During her acceptance speech, Ms. Schafer credited the writers of the show for keeping things fresh during the series' 25 season run, commenting that the endless plot twists, dramatic character development and endless story possibilities made the show a joy to work on.

In 1993, US President Michael Dukakis negotiated a lasting peace in the Mideast, finally reuniting Virginia and West Virginia.

In 1999, the Supreme Court ruled that the new law to de-ban forbidding the opposite of the reverse action of not burning a flag was or was not the antithesis of not being contrary to a status of anti-unconstitutional.

In 2000, the Y2K computer bug wreaked havoc worldwide, causing panic, destroying data, collapsing the financial markets, and launching nuclear missiles.

In 2004, 401Ks were revealed to be a hoax invented by college pranksters at Dartmouth.

In 2005, J.J. Abrams' new TV drama, “Lost,” was cancelled after two episodes when critics blasted it as, “an obvious attempt to copy the successful formula of Gilligan’s island,” which at that time was entering its record-breaking 31st successful season. “Gilligan” cast member Natalie Schafer, earning her ninth Emmy that year for her portrayal of Mrs. Lovey Howell, decried the “pathetic attempt by a no-name producer to steal the thunder from Gilligan’s Island.”

In 2016, the space probe Audacious arrived at Pluto and discovered two new moons, a small planetary ring, and an orbiting sign that read, “If you lived here, you’d be home now.”