by Robert Gillis; I originally wrote this for the 2005 April Fool's Day page for the Jaycee website.

Last updated: April 4, 2063 (Bedford Falls Time)

NEWS!

(News is an acronym of Nord, Est, Ouest, and Sud)
(Wait--that's French, which makes no sense...)

• Iowa secedes from Union, declares war on Idaho
• Asteroid will destroy Earth next Tuesday
• Kerry: "I voted AGAINST the asteroid"
• Charmed Ones vanquish Cole, former source of all evil
• Blanc wins Nobel prize for discovery of Daffyduckium
• Robot attack leading cause of death in elderly
• Democrats and Republicans disagree again
• Microsoft acquires rights to Declaration of Independence
• Moment of silence on 1st anniversary of Moon's explosion
• MacDonald: Ninja attack clear and present danger
• Martha Stewart jailed for overdue library books
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes leave Earth, billions cheer

WORLD (EARTH) NEWS

• Atlantis, Cuba hold historic peace summit
• Canada threatens action, US laughs
• It's official: Earth voted "Coolest Planet"
• France raises terror alert from RUN to HIDE

US (UNITED STATES) NEWS

• Gotham City honors Batman
• Dr. Phil executed for treason
• Bush names Yoda Secretary of State
• Delaware changes name to "Bank North"
• Ben Affleck key suspect in Zamboni theft
• Experts: Ninjas can strike at any time

ENTERTAINMENT

• Green Acres movie wins "Best Picture"
• PBS promotes gratuitous nudity film festival
• Paris Hilton nominated for Supreme Court
• Island of Misfit Toys ousts winged lion
• J LO considers run for congress

SPORTS

• Wilhelm Klink wins Boston Marathon
• Elmo steroid use revealed
• Boston Red Sox win Stanley Cup
• Nude volleyball hotties wins best sports video

FAST POLL

Fast Poll: If election were held today
Paper 58%
Plastic 41%

Fast Poll: Is either of you a paleontologist?
Yes 0%
No, we're high school students 100%



FOXBORO WEATHER UPDATE

Tonight: Ferocious snowstorms with winds in excess of 450 miles per hour pummel the region. Tomorrow: Snow ends, temps drop to -33 Kelvin.

YOUR {COUGH} HEALTH

• Dyslexia for cure found
• Painting of Fran Drescher cures hiccups
• New group forming for people with attention defici HEY LETS GO RIDE BIKES!



DA LAW
• Jury: Col. Mustard in Study with revolver
• Easter Bunny indicted in triple homicide
• "Star Trek" removed from pledge of allegiance
• Prosecutors subpoena murder suspect's dog
• Old Man of Mountains collapse ruled a suicide
• Brady Bunch's Eve Plumb career legally dead


ECONOMIC INDICATORS

Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.


SCIENCE, SPACE AND X-FILES

• Creepy mouse with goggles warns of apocalypse
moments before Kryptonite meteors destroy bowling alley
• Our sun will explode within three years
• Kerry: "It's the wrong sun at the wrong time!"
• Clyde Tombaugh's ghost demands Pluto remains classified as a planet


COPYRIGHT, INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY AND COOKIE RECIPES

Copyright 2286, United Federation of Planets. This blog entry contains surreptitious Intel intended for an instantaneously recognizable mammal or group of mammals, and is intended for an unambiguous raison d'être, and is sheltered by laws and stuff. You are hereby given the lowdown that if you are not the wished-for recipient, you should format your hard drive immediately and send us nine hundred and eleventy-two dollars in unmarked Euros and one package of double-stuff Oreo cookies to the address noted in your license agreement. Any exposé, photocopying, or dispersion of this communiqué or the doing of any action based on it, or in spite of it, or whatever, is expressly prohibited, forbidden and really, really frowned upon.