by Robert Gillis
Published in The Foxboro Reporter 9/2005 and thre Boston City Paper 6/2006

Recently, I just watched a rerun of a Simpsons Halloween special, in which Homer's Y2K incompetence causes the destruction of the Earth. Lisa and Marge leave for Mars on a spaceship full of the planet’s best and brightest, to start a new society, while Homer and Bart end up on a different spaceship, also full of celebrities, but headed for the Sun. Bart and Homer are horrified that their fellow passengers include Ross Perot, Dr. Laura, Spike Lee, Dan Quayle, Courtney Love, Tonya Harding (brandishing a large baton), Al Sharpton, Tom Arnold, Pauly Shore, and Rosie O'Donnell. Instead of enduring the company of these social misfits, Bart and Homer eject themselves into the vacuum of space, where two “pops” later, their suffering has ended.

Which got me thinking. Never a good thing on a slow news day. Our media is saturated with the antics, preaching, and inane minutia of celebrities and famous people. The news headlines should be about world hunger, war, poverty and the truth about the UFO crash on Foxboro Common last week (“weather balloon,” yeah, right). However, instead of real news, we are tortured with the antics of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Madonna, and worse, C-List washed up “stars” like Paris Hilton, Erik Estrada, Tammy Fae Baker, and the day-to-day intimate details of people who just don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

I have a way to end the suffering – just like that Simpsons episode, we need the spaceship. Put all these “celebrities” on the spaceship. But I won’t be too mean. Instead of sending them to the sun, let’s send these people to the outer solar system. Say, Pluto. Or Sedna. Or the Oort Cloud.

Let’s inform these “celebrities” that Earth is doomed and they, who are so much better than we poor slobs, have been selected for passage in the escape ship to the new planet.

My passenger manifest is as follows. Feel free to add your own celebrities:

Tom Cruise. I think most people will agree with me on this one. Tom’s passage on the ship would not only make my childhood idol Brooke Shields happy, but also the millions of qualified psychologists and other doctors that Tom has dissed during his increasingly bizarre appearances. Tom, you’re glib. You’re glib, Tom, and your idea that major physiological problems can be easily cured with exercise and vitamins might work for the aliens you believe in, but not the rest of us. You’re in love again. Good for you, Tom. We really don’t care.

Brittany Spears. Her 15 minutes long since expired, this alleged role model wasted no time in horrifying her fans by turning her concerts into strip shows, living a trailer trash life, and now her pregnancy is big news. I feel sorry for her baby, I really do. Go away, Brittany. And take Kevin Fenderline with you, please.

Brad Pitt. Enough, enough, enough. He and Jen broke up. Get over it. Brad, get on the spaceship, please.

Paris Hilton. Guess what? When your biggest claim to fame is a porn video of yourself on the Internet, you’re not a celebrity. Get on the spaceship.

Joe Rogane from Fear Factor. Sorry Joe, loved you on News Radio, your comedy is hilarious, but your show is disgusting and helps continue to kill brain cells and degrade all of us.

Michael Jackson. If you saw the movie “Men in Black” with Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, you already know Jackson is a space alien. Time to send him back to planet Neverland for good.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, ex-Apprentice. How can we miss you if you just won’t go away?

Martha Stewart. She’s mean. Mean, mean, mean. Dear Martha, please get on the spaceship. It’s a good thing. Fondly, Bob.

Feel free to make your own list, and then we could focus on what’s really important: War, poverty, and what is Jessica Simpson up to these days? And before you ask, Jessica Simpson does not go on the spaceship. She’s special.