RobertXGillis.com

Happy Independence Day!

2008-07-04T12:02:00.000-04:00

Breaking Dog Park News!

2008-07-03T23:52:00.002-04:00

by Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter 7/2008

Background: Here in Foxboro, a battle has raged – literally raged – over whether a dog park should be allowed to remain open. This is no joke (I wish it were) –
The dog park, which opened in September 2006, has become a legal battleground. A lawsuit filed by abutters and others seeking to close the park is pending in State Land Court. Week after week, the top story is the dog park. That a DOG PARK can cause people to literally scream at each other at town meetings, and become the primary focus of the media and public thought is just mind-boggling. As I’ve said before, thank God there’s nothing else going on, such as a presidential election, or a war or anything like that. So here's my contribution to this ongoing story...

One of the tremendous disadvantages of this being a WEEKLY newspaper is that we have to wait seven days for dog park updates. I find this very difficult, as every aspect of my entire life has become consumed by this all-important matter of the dog park. To fill the dog park information gap, here’s an update of what’s happened since we last talked.

First up, I’ve done a great deal of research and pulled selectman meeting minutes going back to the founding of Foxboro (1620) and it’s incredibly suspicious that the dog park is not mentioned at all for over one hundred years. Why the cover up? What were the founding fathers of the town hiding? Were they holding secret dog park meetings in the 1600s? The only conclusion that a well-balanced, reasonable person would come to is emphatically YES.

On a related historical note, the first mention of the dog park occurs in the Foxboro Reporter edition of July 5, 1776. The headline reads: “Ye olde town dog park opens to grande fan-fare; canine recreation knoll proves very popular with the royals.” A smaller story on page nine mentions something about a document being signed in Philadelphia, and an editorial: “Independence for the colonies? It won’t amount to a thing, trust me.”

Back in the present: Could a battered economy, waning enthusiasm for the war in Iraq and President Bush's low approval ratings spell trouble for Senator John McCain and other Republicans in November? According to a new poll, the answer depends on the dog park.

Gas prices in Foxboro have topped $9 a gallon. Despite no obvious connection, local residents have demanded that the dog park be closed.

Incidentally, although the event received very little coverage locally (due to wall-to-wall dog park coverage), apparently the New England Patriots had a pretty good season (18-1), although they didn’t win the Super Bowl, due to the unstoppable Eli Manning, an incredible Giants offensive line, and Coach Belichick’s preoccupation with the dog park.

This just in: People who live in towns with dog parks are 78.14% more likely to be happy than in towns that do not have dog parks.

This just in: Dog parks have been shown to cause small children to spontaneously combust. The controversial findings were published in “Cat Fancy” magazine.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration calls for a 90% probability of a near-normal or above-normal hurricane season for 2008. How this will affect the dog park is not yet clear.

Stocks tumbled Tuesday as a troubling reading on the dog park underscored the drag of endless dog park stories on the local economy. The Dow Jones industrial average fell more than 100 points, or about the cost of 1000 bags of Kibbles and Bits.

At the commencement for Foxboro High School, the class valedictorian emphasized to the graduates that, “The entire world is your dog park.”

Billy Ray Cyrus says he wasn't around when Annie Leibovitz photographed his 15-year-old daughter, Miley, wrapped in a sheet with her back exposed, for the June issue of Vanity Fair magazine. Despite no obvious connection, local residents have demanded that the dog park be closed.

This just in – the best ways to reduce your carbon footprint are to drive a hybrid car, use less electricity, and support the dog park. Or not support it. Or something.

The recent “Underdog” movie was a minor hit, but pummeled by film critics as, “Obvious dog park propaganda.”

It’s official, the question will be on the November ballot: “Do you support or not permit non-approval of a law to de-ban unforbidding the opposite inverse of the reverse action of not undoing having a dog park is or is not the antithesis of not being contrary to a status of anti-unconstitutional?”

Former Vice President Al Gore endorsed Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on Monday, urging Americans to reject what he called the Bush administration's legacy of "incompetence, negligence and failure on dog park issues."

I loved this year’s Founders Day theme: “Foxboro, Home of the Dog Park.”

When the dog park issue gets to the Supreme Court (and it will) I think Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be the swing vote. She just strikes me as a cat person.

Finally, why is it that no one has ever interviewed a DOG about the dog park? It’s THEIR park. Seems they should have a say in all this.

Stay tuned to this newspaper for complete dog park coverage (and nothing else) for at least the next decade (that’s 70 in dog years).

Silver Age Comic Books: Superman stops the LITTERBUG!

2008-06-30T23:27:00.004-04:00

by Robert Eldirao Gillis 7/2008
What was so special about the silver age of comic books? Read about it HERE

This panel is from a 1960s story called, "The Great DC Contest" and up to this point in the narrative the Bizzaro-Supermen have been rampaging across the world, destroying historical landmarks and causing a big mess. So where's Superman?

Um, stopping a little boy from LITTERING.

Yeah.

Y'know in the movie when Martha Kent says to Clark, "Your father always said you were put here for a reason?"

This ain't it.

Some thoughts on this panel.

Does anyone call anyone "Sonny" anymore?
This is perfect example of why people think Superman is a total dipshit.
"Retrieve that wrapper!" Even the command sounds stupid.
"...Or you'll be known as a litterbug!" Believe me, there are far worse things to be known as than "litterbug." How about, "serial killer," or "psychopath," "arsonist," or "most likely to go on killing spree?" There are probably thousands of things worse than being known as a litterbug.
Does anyone say "Litterbug" anymore?
This is the official beginning of the "go green" movement in comics, and Superman was the first to acknowledge the primary cause of global warming -- little kids throwing candy wrappers on the ground.
"Keep our streets neat!" Um Superman, they aren't your streets, you don't pay taxes. And the kid doesn't either.

Finally, I'd pay real money if the kid said things like this:

Hey, shouldn't you be stopping the Bizzaros from trashing the planet?
Good work, Superman! Thanks for stopping my life of crime!
Isn't there a super-villian you should be battling right now?
Sonny? Who are you calling Sonny, dipshit?
Congratulations, Superman. This is definitely why Jor-El sent you to Earth!
I'll put the candy wrapper in the trash after you rebuild half the city you demolished battling Brainiac!

But let's face it, these days the kid would just give Superman the finger.

Unruly Boston sports fans are a disgrace

2008-06-19T11:54:00.007-04:00

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Boston City Paper 6/2008

Boston sports fans: What the hell is the matter with you people?

The Red Sox / Patriots / Your College Team / Celtics win a championship and you see that as a license to go out rioting, setting fires and doing malicious damage to property?

In the latest me lee, over 20 people were arrested after the Celtics win. The Celtics – a team you couldn’t GIVE AWAY tickets to a year ago – are suddenly on everyone’s mind and the unruly chaotic mob floods into the street. You rip down street signs; you set fires, do tens of thousands of dollars in property damage, and endanger thousands of innocent people.

This week, Mayor Menino said “They are punks, really.” He also called them, “Hooligans.”

Hooligans? What a trite word from the 1930s. Try FELONS. One idiot smashed an office front window and did $50,000 worth of damage. Others were urinating outdoors, overturning mailboxes and trash cans, setting fires, and oh, my personal favorite, attacking RIOT POLICE. Great idea, that.

During the 2004 Red Sox win, the crowd was so unruly that police shot a “non-lethal” pellet into innocent bystander Vanessa Snelgrove, killing her. Remember that tragedy? She was beautiful and had her entire life ahead of her. Dead. Because of a celebration that a TEAM won a GAME.

That same night, Boston sports fans, you overturned cars and set a motorcycle on fire.

In 2004 a New England Patriots fan was struck on celebration night by a fellow Patriot fan that was driving drunk, killing him instantly.

When the Boston Red Sox advanced to the ALCS against the Yankees, students at UMass Amherst lit fires, flipped cars, and attacked university police officers.

I ask again, what is the matter with you people?

The Boston Herald reported, “…an Allston hoops fan … [is] facing charges he smashed out a downtown business’ window yesterday by hurling a chunk of metal javelin-style in the mayhem that followed the Celtics’ NBA Championship. [redacted], 24, was part of a mob at Canal Street and Valenti Way who were “climbing on poles and billboards” and “tearing down traffic signs” shortly after midnight, according to Boston police. He was one of 23 raucous revelers ages 18 to 54 who were nabbed across the city between 8 p.m. Tuesday and 2:30 a.m. yesterday.”

Wow.

The newspaper went on, “Mayor Thomas M. Menino and Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis said their city won’t stand for the animalistic violence that consistently mars sports celebrations.”

Pardon me, Mr. Mayor, but if the last few years are any indication, you are not only standing for it, you are allowing it, and enabling it.

Boston sports fans: Thousands die in a war and you do nothing. People are being shot seemingly constantly in and around Boston, there’s gang violence and you do nothing. But a SPORTS TEAM wins a GAME and you see it as LICENSE to go on a rampage in city streets? Why is that? We celebrate First Night and Independence Day and Harborfest and millions pour into the city and everything goes fine. But a stupid GAME is a license to riot?

You violent reveling sports fans are dangerous felons and if the city finally bans such celebrations I am sure you will whine about your right to free speech. Guess what? Freedom of speech and freedom of expression ends when public safety is endangered. We have no “right” to yell “bomb” at the airport and no right to “celebrate” by smashing property and starting fires and attacking police.

Please, Boston sports fans: Grow up. Stop committing acts of violence and destruction over what is ultimately a game.

Boston is better than that. You’re better than that. And if you can’t prove it, please, please STAY HOME.

Foxboro Founders Day

2008-06-02T15:29:00.000-04:00

by Robert Gillis
Published in The Foxboro Reporter 6/2004 and 6/2008

Founders Day!

The annual day-long celebration of our town’s birthday starts as you drive through Foxboro at 8:45, 9:00, and people are already putting out beach chairs, staking out the best viewing spots. Business owners and employees are opening windows and doors, hovering, getting ready for the event. The police begin closing roads. The crowds thicken. There’s real anticipation in the air. Something special is about to happen.

Founders Day seems to bring everyone out, and there’s that wonderful feeling of community – so present all year anyway – amplified exponentially on this day. Friends and families gather. Teens take advantage of the roadblocks by skating freely in the streets around Foxboro Common. Babies cry. Parents take family pictures. Camera and camcorders are everywhere. Kids run around with silly string, spraying each other, laughing.

And then, you hear the fire engine sirens, and another Founders Day parade is under way. The glistening fire engines – both from here and neighboring towns – bring cheers and the children waving from inside bring smiles. The police vehicles do the same.

The days of hard work are evident in so many of the floats.

The kids from the karate school, in full uniform, stride purposely. I’m always somewhat in awe of ten year olds who can seriously injure me. But seriously, the kids look so proud.

There’s the Van-Go and the Senior Center folks. We are so fortunate to have Council on Aging, with Vicki at the helm. There’s the Doolittle Home van. Another Foxboro gem, a wonderful residence where seniors live in dignity. What a treasure Doolittle Home is.

Here are the town Selectmen. I like how they always march every year – their presence in the parade is a nice reminder of our town government working so closely with the people.

There are the Veterans in uniform. Can we ever thank them enough for their sacrifice? (Have you thanked someone you know in the service recently? Do it now.)

Here comes the Civil War society. They fire their weapons and get everyone’s attention. Also impressive.

Each school has a float, and they all show such hard work and creativity. The marching bands go by – it must be very difficult to walk in formation AND play an instrument with such skill, but they make it look easy.

Here are the trolleys –– imagine using them to get around town! Do the kids in Foxboro even realize this was the preferred mode of transportation here years ago?

There are the Girl Scouts. Boy Scouts. Cub Scouts, So much pride coming from those young faces! So much promise and enthusiasm from such little people!

The Jaycees. The Rotary. So many fraternal and community organizations – all so happy to be part of this community, making a difference every day.

Then, seemingly in a blink, the Founders Day committee car goes by. To all of you on that committee – thank you, thank you, and thank you for all your hard work.

Soon it seems that at least half of the town’s population is on the Booth Playground field.

I can see my Jaycee friends are doing great business at concessions and that makes me very happy because I know firsthand the good those proceeds will do throughout Foxboro.

It seems like every organization and club in Foxboro is well represented. It’s a well-worn cliché but Founders Day on Booth Fields truly offers something for everyone. And I must add that the root beer floats made by the National Honor Society are excellent!

There are games, amazing food, kids and parents and teens everywhere, taking it all in.

By 4pm, it seems like the activity is winding down; most tents and kiosks are closing up, the business portion of the day concluded. People are now heading home to parties, gatherings, and many are just trying to get the usual Saturday chores complete before the fireworks.

For me, like so many others, this in-between time is spent packing up, cleaning, putting away, grabbing a quick burger, and then heading back to the field. Passing by the Common, I’m amazed. All of the confetti, silly string, papers, food containers and other debris has been cleaned up. You couldn’t know a parade had even passed by.

At 8:30, the sky is still light and the grass is rapidly being covered with beach chairs and blankets. I miss the Rotary’s burgers -- let me testify that Rotary hamburgers – always delicious anyway – taste extra good on Founders Day evening.

An hour passes as latecomers seek out a remaining patch of grass to call their own. The area is filled with the shadows of bodies and the light from Jaycee glow sticks.

And then BOOM! The first firework shell explodes overhead, and the people cheer. Once again, the pyrotechnic display is incredible, with the speculator colors exploding overhead and the glowing embers floating down so close to us. Forget Boston on the Esplanade – Foxboro is the place to see the best fireworks display. That the show was paid for by Foxboro businesses, organizations and local donations makes it all the more sweet. (By the way, if you can, be sure to keep the donations coming in to pay for next year’s fireworks! The fireworks thermometer on the common, which tracks donations, is only halfway to the top.)

Like the parade, in a seeming heartbeat, the show is over, and we join as one, applauding. Once again Foxboro police keep the exodus orderly, as traffic flows smoothly home.

Another Founders Day has come and gone.

To our police and fire fighters and rescue workers – thank you, once again, for keeping us safe.

To the Founders Day committee – and to everyone who in any way participated in making the day happen – thank you. Your Herculean efforts are so very appreciated.

Founders Day is more than a parade, events, and fireworks. Unlike thousands of parades and events held in Anytown, USAs, Founders Day is uniquely ours. The sense of community that we all feel on this day cannot be denied.

The reason I live here, what I love most about this town — is its sense of family and community. That is never more evident than it is on Founders Day.

Today's News (um, not really)

2008-05-29T00:41:00.000-04:00

by Robert Gillis; I originally wrote this for the 2005 April Fool's Day page for the Jaycee website.

Last updated: April 4, 2063 (Bedford Falls Time)

NEWS!

(News is an acronym of Nord, Est, Ouest, and Sud)
(Wait--that's French, which makes no sense...)

• Iowa secedes from Union, declares war on Idaho
• Asteroid will destroy Earth next Tuesday
• Kerry: "I voted AGAINST the asteroid"
• Charmed Ones vanquish Cole, former source of all evil
• Blanc wins Nobel prize for discovery of Daffyduckium
• Robot attack leading cause of death in elderly
• Democrats and Republicans disagree again
• Microsoft acquires rights to Declaration of Independence
• Moment of silence on 1st anniversary of Moon's explosion
• MacDonald: Ninja attack clear and present danger
• Martha Stewart jailed for overdue library books
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes leave Earth, billions cheer

WORLD (EARTH) NEWS

• Atlantis, Cuba hold historic peace summit
• Canada threatens action, US laughs
• It's official: Earth voted "Coolest Planet"
• France raises terror alert from RUN to HIDE

US (UNITED STATES) NEWS

• Gotham City honors Batman
• Dr. Phil executed for treason
• Bush names Yoda Secretary of State
• Delaware changes name to "Bank North"
• Ben Affleck key suspect in Zamboni theft
• Experts: Ninjas can strike at any time

ENTERTAINMENT

• Green Acres movie wins "Best Picture"
• PBS promotes gratuitous nudity film festival
• Paris Hilton nominated for Supreme Court
• Island of Misfit Toys ousts winged lion
• J LO considers run for congress

SPORTS

• Wilhelm Klink wins Boston Marathon
• Elmo steroid use revealed
• Boston Red Sox win Stanley Cup
• Nude volleyball hotties wins best sports video

FAST POLL

Fast Poll: If election were held today
Paper 58%
Plastic 41%

Fast Poll: Is either of you a paleontologist?
Yes 0%
No, we're high school students 100%

FOXBORO WEATHER UPDATE

Tonight: Ferocious snowstorms with winds in excess of 450 miles per hour pummel the region. Tomorrow: Snow ends, temps drop to -33 Kelvin.

YOUR {COUGH} HEALTH

• Dyslexia for cure found
• Painting of Fran Drescher cures hiccups
• New group forming for people with attention defici HEY LETS GO RIDE BIKES!

DA LAW
• Jury: Col. Mustard in Study with revolver
• Easter Bunny indicted in triple homicide
• "Star Trek" removed from pledge of allegiance
• Prosecutors subpoena murder suspect's dog
• Old Man of Mountains collapse ruled a suicide
• Brady Bunch's Eve Plumb career legally dead

ECONOMIC INDICATORS

Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.

SCIENCE, SPACE AND X-FILES

• Creepy mouse with goggles warns of apocalypse
moments before Kryptonite meteors destroy bowling alley
• Our sun will explode within three years
• Kerry: "It's the wrong sun at the wrong time!"
• Clyde Tombaugh's ghost demands Pluto remains classified as a planet

COPYRIGHT, INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY AND COOKIE RECIPES

Copyright 2286, United Federation of Planets. This blog entry contains surreptitious Intel intended for an instantaneously recognizable mammal or group of mammals, and is intended for an unambiguous raison d'être, and is sheltered by laws and stuff. You are hereby given the lowdown that if you are not the wished-for recipient, you should format your hard drive immediately and send us nine hundred and eleventy-two dollars in unmarked Euros and one package of double-stuff Oreo cookies to the address noted in your license agreement. Any exposé, photocopying, or dispersion of this communiqué or the doing of any action based on it, or in spite of it, or whatever, is expressly prohibited, forbidden and really, really frowned upon.

Good transit and good morning all you beauitful people (Updated: His name is Manny)

2008-05-28T09:52:00.000-04:00

by Robert Gillis
Published on the front page of the Boston City Paper 1/2008 and updated 5/2008

A City Paper Salute
TO THE AMTRAK ANNOUNCER (Manny)
AT SOUTH STATION

I thought I’d begin today on a good note and say thank you to a remarkable man whose name I do not know.

The regular Amtrak announcer at South Station in Boston has a sweet voice, and in addition to the regular departure / arrival schedule, he nearly always says some kind words for the harried commuters.

Here was the offering this morning: “Goooood morning, good morning, all you beautiful people. It’s kind of chilly today, and it’s Monday, but it’s going to be a great day. It’s time to make the donuts, and somebody’s gotta do it, so have a great day.”

Whenever he’s on duty, you can count on his optimistic and uplifting messages.

These little “pick-me-ups” from this man make my day every time I hear them, and he has the ability to bring a smile to us on the most bitterly cold winter mornings. Whoever you are, please know that once again, you made my (and many other commuter’s) day a lot brighter! Thank you!

Update, May 28, 2008: It’s 6:45pm at South Station and I hear a very familiar voice—I turn around and there is a smiling man in a commuter rail sweater. His name is Manny and he has a kind face and gentle demeanor and I shook his hand and told him much I (and so many others) appreciate his wonderful messages “Good morning all you beautiful people! Here we go!” He smiled and touched his heart and said “You’ve made my day!” and I told him he makes OUR day and it is so appreciated. I mentioned the article I wrote in the Boston City paper and he said someone had passed him a copy -- I said I was so happy he’d seen it. Manny is a person who makes a difference to thousands of people every day – I’m so happy to finally meet him, shake his hand and said thank you! What a great guy!

Statue of Liberty Visit Inspires Hope

2008-05-13T14:33:00.004-04:00

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and Boston City Paper May, 2008

It’s a perfect, 60 degree Saturday, and Sue and I, along with her cousin Angela headed to the Apple for a New York adventure.

Our first stop was the Staten Island Ferry at Battery Park. Neither of the girls has ever been to the Statue of Liberty, and today we arrived early and took it all in – the guys dressed up as the Statue of Liberty (complete with green makeup) posing for pictures with tourists. The street vendors and performers. The smell of hot dogs and sausages tempting everyone. The general excitement in the air. It was like a carnival.

The line for the ferry is a lot longer now because of security, but we’re lucky to be able to go at all —After September 11, the statue didn’t reopen until 2004. We went through the tent structure that resembled airport security, and then got on board.

The crowd on the ferry was all in good spirits and as we approached the Statue of Liberty, the cameras started flashing and so many people just stared and you could hear the “oohs” and “ahs.” Lady Liberty is iconic, and everyone has seen images, but to actually see her “in person,” – well, it gives you Goosebumps. It IS America. It is THE symbol of our nation, as much as the American flag.

The immaculately manicured park on Liberty Island has a restaurant, souvenir ship and many perfect spots to view the statue.

There’s also a view of Manhattan and a sign indicating where the World Trade Center used to be. It’s not a memorial, but feels like one. Six years later, the skyline still looks wrong, incomplete.

To enter the Statue of Liberty you have to not only go through a second metal detector but a sort of air-tunnel that scans you for bombs and other chemicals. Entering the statue’s base, the first thing you see is a big torch – and I realized that this is the ORIGINAL torch, removed in 1986 as part of the refurbishing and renovating of the statue. It is still lit, and quite lovely.

Our ranger, Bill, filled us in on many of the amazing details about Lady Liberty. For example, its shell is only as thick as two quarters pressed together! The green color was caused by the copper oxidation process. There was confusion about what the Statue of Liberty was intended to be: A lighthouse, perhaps? The Statue of Liberty was America’s first skyscraper. The crown spikes represent the seven continents or the seven oceans. The torch represents the light of freedom. The statue’s full name is "Liberty Enlightening the World." The chains on her feet are the broken shackles of oppression and tyranny.

Sue took this poignant moment to wonder out loud, “wouldn't it be great if the Statue of Liberty came to life?” and I commented that she’s obviously never seen, “Ghostbusters II.”

Interestingly, sculptor Frederic Auguste Bartholdi required the assistance of an engineer to address structural issues associated with designing such a colossal copper sculpture, and Alexandre Gustave Eiffel, the designer of the Eiffel Tower, was commissioned to design the massive iron pylon and secondary skeletal framework.

And on a slightly bizarre note, the face of the statue is apparently modeled after Bartholdi’s mother – the sculptor had lived with his mother all of his life. Our guide made a humorous comment: “This is what happens when you live with your mother your entire life.”

We headed toward the elevators and stairs. Now, due to fire security restrictions you can only go up as high as the base – the days of going to the crown are long gone -- so we headed to that observation deck. There are nearly 160 stairs and I decided I would climb them. Sue thought I was crazy (that’s a first!) but I forwent the elevator and climbed. How many people can say they climbed the stairs of the Statue of Liberty? I can!

To be honest, the observation desk at Liberty’s feet is not the most perfect view of the statue but still damned impressive. Angela was particularly thrilled; she told us that the statue is famous worldwide, of course, but whenever a European visits America one of the first destinations is the Statue of Liberty, and she was delighted to experience it up-close.

And it was then I realized it was time to put the camera down and just be in the moment.

The structure may be a copper statue but it is so much more than that. For perhaps 20 minutes, I just stood looking at this majestic icon, this universally recognized symbol of democracy, freedom, America, and hope. I thought of the countless immigrants who saw this statue as they arrived at Ellis Island and what seeing it represented. New life. A fresh start. Freedom.

It’s amazing to stand there.

It was honestly humbling.

We saw a lot more of New York that day, but those are stories for another time. For me, the highlight was seeing the Statue of Liberty – a beautiful symbol with so much history, so much importance, and for so many millions, a symbol of hope. And on that day, I honestly felt that hope. Standing in the shadow of that grand lady, you can’t help but believe, and feel that swelling pride of being free, and seeing one of America’s purest symbols of all that we are and aspire to be.

Poetic and sentimental, to be sure, but very real. May Lady Liberty continue to shine her light on us and remind us of that spirit of hope for centuries to come.

My customized Microsoft Error Sound -- Feel free to use!

2008-05-09T16:42:00.005-04:00

by Robert Gillis

For anyone (and that would be ALL of us) whose Windows system has ever crashed or done something terrible, the little sounds and apologies Windows offers are pretty lame. “We apologize for the inconvenience but Microsoft Word has encountered a random error and crashed, taking your only copy of your 200 page thesis with it. So sorry.”

So I created this wav sound file that you can use to assign to system events using control panel - sounds. You won’t stop the errors but at least you’ll get a truthful and amusing message in a charming British accent.

And this error is just as useful as a regular Windows message in helping to resolve a Windows problem (i.e, not at all), and far more truthful about how bad the situation really is.

The sound has a few colorful metaphors in it. Click the link to listen or right click to download it to your system for your own use.

When clicked the message says: “Red alert! Oh my God not again! Did the lights go out? Somebody help! VERY BAD NOISE! Outlook: SUCKY. BIOS lost. Format hard drive. Registry data destroyed. Memory failure; my bad, my bad! We’re all screwed! Destruct sequence activated! Oh shit, oh shit, the water is so cold! HELP ME!"

CLICK HERE FOR THE ERROR MESSAGE SOUND OR RIGHT CLICK TO SAVE TO YOUR PC!

Enjoy!

Jordans Furniture demolishes credit over one missed payment: Shame on Jordans Furniture!

2008-05-08T11:31:00.008-04:00

An open letter to Jordans Furniture
by Robert Gillis

Dear Jordans Furniture,

I opened a credit card with you over 10 years ago and have thrown thousands of dollars your way over the years.

This week I noticed that my available credit was zero – not three thousand dollars, but zero.

After navigating your nebulous voice mail system at credit services, I learned that apparently I missed a payment in May 2007 and you decided to immediately reduce my available credit to zero and “suspend the account” a year ago. Doesn't matter than I pay every month and usually more than the minimum, right?

Thanks so much for the letters you didn’t send, or the phone calls you didn’t make, trying to see what was going on, or if a mistake had been made. Perhaps I missed them over the LAST YEAR since this happened. Perhaps I missed the message printed in Arial 2 font on my statement, if you ever even mentioned it.

But the nice lady (and she was nice) at customer service told me once my measly $400 balance was paid I could “reapply” for my card (y’know, the one I’ve had for over a decade and have used to throw thousands of dollars your way?)

I told her the full payoff payment was on the way and to cancel the account. I told her I wasn't going to take this out on her (she just answers the phone) but to note in my file that this is a HORRIBLE policy and that Jordans Furniture should be ashamed for allowing it.

So, Jordans, since you were not professional, and your much-hyped customer service FAILED, allow me to respond in kind.

I will not darken your doors again, and will make sure to let everyone I know how you treat long-time loyal customers who mistakenly miss a minimum payment. No wonder people have credit problems. They make a mistake or omission and you DEMOLISH their credit rating.

Thanks for nothing, Jordans Furniture.

Helping out with Foxboro Cable Access is a blast (in more ways than one!)

2008-05-07T11:55:00.000-04:00

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter April, 2008. Also published on the Foxboro Cable Access Website April, 2008.

Today I thought I’d share a fun memory, an example of me doing something stupid (suspend your disbelief) and suggest another opportunity for YOU to volunteer to help the community and have a great time doing it.

It’s Thursday June 22, 2007 and I’m on Foxboro Common at the first of the annual Foxboro Jaycee concerts of the season.

A few years back, my friend Lauren (LB) Bitar, who works at Foxboro Cable Access (FCA), asked me if I would man a camera for the evening; that turned into a regular summer event for me.

I love working with FCA. Being one of the cameramen (or getting to direct the five-camera operation from the FCA mobile unit) is something I enjoy tremendously. It is a *BLAST* using the cameras from Foxboro Cable Access – the setup is completely professional and I get to play with the tech toys, learn the jargon, and have so much fun working side by side with people who do this for a living.

And the free Jaycee concerts are always a memorable time. It's wonderful to be out with everybody every Thursday night on the common, meeting old friends, seeing people get together for a night of free (and really good) music, noshing on popcorn and soda -- I love it.

That particular June evening ended on a bizarre, exhilarating note. As the concert was wrapping up at about quarter to nine, we noticed there was lightning in the distance. Rain had been forecast and had fortunately held off. But by sign-off time we could see the lightning moving ominously and steadily up Main Street, and literally just a few moments after the last note was played and we were starting to wrap up the cable equipment and the cameras and the cords and everything else – the storm hit!

The lightning was incredible, like a high-intensity strobe. And the rain that immediately followed — the skies just opened up. It was Noah and the flood, or “The Final battle of Matrix Revolutions” type of rain. It just did not stop.

So we were getting soaked, and here we are, quickly putting away all the equipment, and here's me, the newbie idiot, holding metal poles that support lights and metal poles that held up tents, and to certify my chances of winning the Darwin award, in my left hand I am holding – a 100 foot electric extension cord that yes, was still plugged in.

Fortunately, I realized immediately that I was being the poster child for “how to get hit by lightning” and dropped the cord so it could be unplugged first and made a dash for the truck with my personal portable lightning rods, torrential rain falling and the team getting everything put away as quickly as we could.

It was exhilarating, it was hilarious, it was fun, and I wasn’t struck by lightning, which is always a bonus.

I spend most of my summer Thursdays volunteering to man a camera for FCA, and for five years I’ve also been behind the scenes in the control room for the Doolittle Home Auction. And if I haven’t been clear: This is FUN.

Interested? There’s more. You might not know that Foxboro Cable Access provides an opportunity for Foxboro residents to produce local television programs for the Foxboro community. Their non-profit corporation is responsible for three cable TV channels on Comcast cable in Foxboro. You are encouraged to contact them at 508-543-4757 and learn more about how you can get involved.

FCA volunteers produce many different types of programs, including: Church Services, Local Sports, Community Events, Local Music, Local Talk Shows, Foxboro Historical Society, Public Forums, and Government Meetings.

There are many opportunities to volunteer to help at FCA and you learn so much and get to see the inner workings and behind the scenes of a professional television station. How cool is that? Check out their web site (www.fcatv.org) or give them a call.

Oh--Just don’t hold the aluminum poles and the live electrical cord in a lightning storm. FCA frowns on that sort of thing, and rightly so.

Re-Elect Bob Hickey for Foxboro Selectman

2008-04-18T14:47:00.002-04:00

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter 4/2008

I’ve known Bob Hickey for 15 years, both as member of the Foxboro Jaycees and also as a friend.

When he was president of the chapter, I was struck by his attention to detail, his command of seemingly every area of governing our organization, and his good nature and sense of humor, both which served him well to keep things running smoothly and to resolve problems. His enthusiasm at Jaycee events was contagious.

In his role as Selectman these six years, Bob has brought his obvious love for Foxboro to Town Hall and has compiled an exceptionally impressive resume of accomplishment. If you observe him at town meeting, you will see he is often the facilitator, the peacemaker, the voice of reason. His no-nonsense, common-sense approach to governing Foxboro has paid off handsomely and he continues to demonstrate a command of seemingly every aspect of managing this town, and does his homework to get all sides of the complex issues. Be it the dog park, sewer system questions, Patriot Place, Chestnut Green, balancing the budget, discussing liquor store violations or a fallen tree, Bob is thoughtful, compassionate, and treats people with respect. He leads, he inspires others to lead and participate, and knows what to delegate and to whom, and expresses confidence in the people.

If you watched Bob on the Candidates Night Broadcast, you might have noticed he used no notes to make any of his speeches or statements, and presented facts, figures, names and dates with an ease that makes it clear this man not only knows the information, he cares about the town. You don’t need notes when you’re intimately familiar with the details.

Having Bob Hickey as one of our Selectman is very good for Foxboro.

So I ask you to join me in voting for Bob Hickey for Selectman on May 5 – and allow this impressive leader to continue his exceptional work for the town of Foxboro.

Silver Age Comics: The Silver Age Superboy Part One

2008-03-27T14:25:00.000-04:00

by Robert Gillis 4/2008
What was so special about the silver age of comic books? Read about it HERE

Pa: "Um, Clark, we discovered you in the rocket and raised you from infancy, remember? We know you’re Superboy."

Superboy: "Oh, right!"

Clark Kent: "Well, it’s Saturday night, so I’m going into my secret basement and use my mind-prober ray to relive forgotten adventures on Krypton when I was a baby -- you know I have total recall but occasional exposures to green Kryptonite have caused certain lapses in that memory so I designed the mind prober ray based on the blueprints my brilliant scientist father Jor-El included in my rocket ship."

Ma Kent: "Um, we know that, Clark. So, Lana Lang was hoping you’d ask her to the senior prom. Sure is a pretty girl, that Lana!"

Clark: "I have a theory that a forgotten memory will help me analyze that mysterious box I found in the Great Pyramid and reveal that it’s is actually a relic from the planet Blor and holds a mysterious element that will cure Virus-Z!"

Ma: "I’ll let Lana know you have the sniffles or something."

Lamp starts blinking.

Clark: "GASP! The lamp is blinking! That means that Professor Lang, Chief Parker or the President of the United States is looking for Superboy!"

Pa Kent: "Um, we know that, Clark."

BUT BEFORE CLARK CAN SWITCH TO HIS DYNAMIC ALTER-EGO, THE KENTS RECEIVE A SURPRISE VISITOR!

Lana Lang: "Hi everyone! I thought I’d come by and say hello!"

Ma Kent: "Well hello Lana dear! We were just talking about you! We understand there’s a nice prom coming up. Clark, wouldn’t it be nice to have a date with Lana... You know, a date? With a girl?"

Lana: "Say, you’re lamp is blinking on and off!"

Pa: "No it isn’t! I mean, that has nothing to do with any secret method of contacting Superboy!"

Ma: "Yes, lots of lamps blink for no reason! We’re hiding nothing!"

Lana: "Um, OK. I just thought the bulb might be loose."

Clark: {Gulp, I need to think of a way to excuse myself without arising Lana’s suspicions!} "Choke! Wheeze! AH-choo! Gasp! I think I have... Appendix... Bursting... My ovaries... oh, must’ve been that spaghetti sauce... garlic.... have to get... to... hospital! GAH!"

He bolts from the room.

Lana: "That was odd."

Pa: "You have no idea."

Some random thoughts on this one, in no particular order.

Are all Martians green? And evil? I thought J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter was the only living (surviving?) Martian? or something?
Does anyone say “BAH!” anymore?
“It’s different than green kryptonite, you know!” Thanks for the exposition. Because Superboy had NEVER seen Red K up to now.
Red K is UNPREDICTABLE. How did Mean Martian Guy know it would split Clark? Oh, rigggghhhht, the control machine thingy.
Does anyone say "Holy Cow” anymore? If I split into two people my first words would get me fined by the FCC.
"Clark and I are ALIVE at the same time!" Dude, you ARE Clark. You ARE Superboy. Neither of you are dead.
Clark and Superboy, first order of business, head right to Lana’s Lang’s house and say, “Hi Lana! Superboy and I want to show you that we’re not the same person, and I’m not his secret identity, so stop being such a pain in the ass about it, ok?”

Slow News Day III

2008-03-26T15:47:00.009-04:00

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City Paper 4/2008

Slow news day. Random thoughts.

Dear MBTA: Regarding your “On Time Service Guarantee,” to paraphrase Stewie Griffin: Evidently you and I differ greatly in our definitions of “On-time” and “Guarantee.”

And on the subject of commuting: Dear man at the Sharon Commuter Rail Station who regularly stops in the crowd of people walking up the stairs to check your email on your Blackberry -- the rest of us reserve the right to toss you bodily to the concrete below if you don’t stop doing that.

And speaking of technology we do not need: Dear Supermarket Managers: We hate “Checkout TV.” The world is a noisy enough place without your blasting old Jay Leno clips and 10 second meal tips at us while we’re sorting the produce and trying to find our discount card while our children are asking for more candy. We lived for decades without Checkout TV and got along just fine. Please shut it off?

We need more TV commercials where people walk into doors and spill their coffee all over themselves. ("Door: OPEN!" {CRASH!} {SPLASH!}) I love that.

Speaking of falling down, here is the absolute best comment EVER on the Eliot Spitzer resignation: "Eliot Spitzer should resign, immediately. Although a person's sexual behavior should by rights be a private matter, and irrelevant to his fitness for public office, that presumption of privacy must be overruled when the officer concerned has been acting to attack the very thing that he has been doing, namely prostitution. We do not expect our politicians to be saints. But when they are shown to be rank hypocrites, they are finished. Their credibility is gone." -- Bill Emmott, Former editor of The Economist magazine, a leading international current affairs publication from England. Amen, Bill!

Speaking of sleazy sex, did you know there is actually a yearly adult movie awards ceremony in Las Vegas – the AVNs, the “Academy Awards” for porn movies. I have one question: Do award winners thank their parents? “I want to say thanks to my Mom and Dad, for your unwavering support – I couldn’t have made Barely Legal Lesbian Cheerleaders Gone Wild and Spanked 28 without you!” Even scarier: Do they thank God?

Speaking of God, wouldn’t the world be a far better place if the commandment were, “Thou shall not commit any act of violence, torture or murder in the name of God.” I don’t claim to be a religious scholar, but I’m sure that the commandment “Thou Shall Not Murder” didn’t have a “Except in God’s name” escape clause.

Speaking of violence: The United Nations announced today that effective immediately the new policy regarding worldwide human rights abuses will be as follows: “STOP! Or we’ll do nothing!”

And finally, over 4000 dead in Iraq, murders in Boston streets and the lead story is still... wait for it … Jamie Lynn Spears. Pathetic.

Slow news day. {SIGH}

Looking for Pictures of Uphams Corner, 1970-1980

2008-03-26T00:56:00.000-04:00

by Robert Gillis
published in the Boston City Paper 4/2008

As you all know, I grew up in Dorchester, Massachusetts, near Uphams Corner, during the 1970s. Does anyone out there have pictures of Uphams Corner as it was back then? I’m not looking for present day images but pictures taken from 1970 to 1980.

I am specifically looking for pictures of:

Brigham’s
Hancock Street
The A&M Market on Hancock Street (interior pictures would be very appreciated, Dad worked there?)
The Rill Street Market on Hancock Street (remember that?)
The old post office across from the fire station on Columbia Road
The Elm Farm (Uphams Corner Market -- inside pictures would be even better, we shopped there all the time)
Rixx Drug Store
Saint Kevin Church interior as it was back then
Saint Kevin School interior (both buildings)
Pictures of Father Kierce, Father Curran, Father Buschette
Fanny Farmer Candy Store
Liggets Drug Store
United Stores
Edward Everett Federal Savings Bank
Shawmut Bank
Dorchester Savings Bank clock (with DSB logo, not current)
Big Daddy Pizza
Kresgees
Diskay
Cummings
Righter’s Hardware
Barker & Collier Stationary Store (this one would mean a lot)
Uphams Corner Christmas decorations (there used to be beautiful strings of Christmas lights across the streets)
Pictures of the Uphams Corner area 1970-1979
Freeman’s Drug Store, corner of Trull and Hancock, burned down in late 1970s
Ruggerios Market, on Stoughton Street, now Alves Market
A picture of Pope John Paul II riding through Uphams Corner when he visited Boston in October 1, 1979 -- the one I took is very grainy.

All of these buildings (well most) still exist but are now other stores. What I’m trying to find is any pictures people might be willing to share of Uphams Corner from that era -- a JPG scan mailed to robertxgillis@aol.com would be VERY appreciated. If you have a collection, we could discuss price for copies. Please email me if you have any of these images? I will pay a reasonable price ($5.00 for a picture?).

Many thanks -- any help would be very appreciated from a guy "originally from Dorchester!"

Lottery Folly

2008-03-19T17:54:00.000-04:00

By Robert Gillis
Published in The Foxboro Reporter and in the Boston City paper 3/2007

It's early morning and I had scored the impossible in Boston: On-street parking, not ten feet away from my doctor’s office. With no time on the meter, I ran across the street to pick up a Coke and lots of quarters. I raced to the counter, where the man ahead of me was rubbing a coin across a strip of scratch tickets, while explaining his lottery order to the clerk.

“Two of the #5. First three any, first three exact. Quick-pick for megabucks.”

I hate being in a hurry, behind someone placing a lengthy lottery order. But thankfully, “lottery guy” didn’t delay me too long, and I was able to feed the meter and thwart the omnipresent meter maid drones.

The very next day at a store, I saw another man, sitting in his car, scratching a long strip of lottery tickets. In a gas station ten minutes later, another line for the lottery.

Two days later, another store. Man wins $40. He immediately cashes the winnings and buys eighteen $2 tickets and three $5 tickets.

Way back when, about thirty years ago actually, Massachusetts started a legal lottery. The first was simply called “The Game” and featured a little card with six numbers. It costs 50 cents.

Over the years, we’ve seen daily numbers, and then Sunday drawings, Megabucks, Mass Millions, Big Game, Mass Cash, and more variations of scratch tickets than anyone could ever count.

Mark my words, despite all the protests, I guarantee there will be legal casinos in Massachusetts within the next ten years. With the success and phenomenal profit of nearby Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun, it’s inevitable.

The lottery is a seemingly nationwide obsession. POWERBALL is the lead story on every newscast when the Jackpot gets really big.

Although I did win $1000 in Keno a few years back, I’m not much of a gambler myself. Besides an occasional scratch ticket and Keno game, I don’t really buy lottery tickets. I’ve made exactly one trip each to Atlantic City, Las Vegas and Foxwoods. In each case, I found watching the other players squander thousands of dollars far more interesting than easily losing my own money in a few minutes.

Now, this is not as essay about the evils of gambling or a suggestion the lottery being abolished. People can spend their money as they please. Gambling can be fun. For many, it’s a source of entertainment.

My concern is that so much money—an incredibly large amount of money—is wasted on lottery tickets. For many people, this is money they just don’t have. People work so hard for their money these days, and most lottery purchases I observe are bulk purchases. Not a ticket of two, but ten tickets. $30 worth of daily and weekly drawings. Handfuls of $5 scratch tickets.

In addition to the examples mentioned above, a clerk at a Mansfield gas station recently told me that a regular customer spends $60 on lottery tickets every time he comes into the store. He doesn’t appear wealthy. I know someone who is also not a wealthy woman, who drops over a thousand dollars every time she goes to Foxwoods. And she goes a lot. She wins sometimes, yes, but never makes the big win or even makes up all she spent.

I just don’t understand why seemingly rational people would shell out so much money on something so unlikely. Did you know that you have a far better chance of being struck by lightning than winning the Megabucks? The chances you will be struck by lighting are 1 in 600,000. The chances you will select all the winning numbers in the Big Money game? 1 in 76,275,360. (That’s one in seventy-six MILLION!) Mass millions? 1 in 13,983,816. Megabucks? 1 in 5,245,786.

Of course, there are benefits to having the lottery. Here in Massachusetts, a good percentage of lottery money benefits the communities. This money is disbursed by the Department of Revenue. Cities and towns may use their share of the revenue as they see fit.

In addition, having a lottery machine is a big plus for stores—people who come in to buy a lottery ticket also buy other products. We even had a million-dollar winner right here in Foxboro. That’s great for business.

But for me, I just see so much waste. So many people spending so much money they don’t have on a chance… just a chance… that THIS ticket might me the big winner… The ticket “out of here” to greener pastures. So much hope and dreams placed on something with such impossible odds. So much money spent on an empty promise. Yes, a few people win. But it’s a very small percentage compared to the number playing the game.

So, the lottery can be fun, and it’s good for businesses and towns. But maybe one day in the future, historians will write about this era and our seeming obsession with lotteries, and wonder why we ever spent so much hard-earned money on such a risky investment. They might decide we were a little foolish. I’d be inclined to agree with them.

I'm honored to present the Foxboro Jaycees donation to the Foxboro Discretionary Fund

2008-03-17T13:42:00.001-04:00

Visiting Seven Churches on Good Friday -- and trying to reconnect with Faith

2008-03-16T01:04:00.000-04:00

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter and the Boston City paper 3/2008

Years ago, Mom explained that you receive what is known as a plenary indulgence if you visited seven churches on Good Friday. I did find a reference to receiving an indulgence for “Devoutly take part in the adoration of the cross during the solemn liturgy of Good Friday.” And I see that many countries still practice a tradition of visiting seven churches on either Holy Thursday or Good Friday.

On several Good Fridays, I did just that, and it felt wonderful.

The first year, I spent the entire day at church. I started at Saint Mary’s in Foxboro, where Catholic hymns were playing on a cassette player. Next, I headed to Saint Mary’s in Mansfield. At each church I said the Stations of the Cross, and read a gospel or reading from the missile. At Mansfield, a speaker was describing God creating the world as if we were present watching it. I headed toward Brockton and stopped at Saint Ann’s in East Bridgewater for church number three.

From there I drove to Dorchester and Saint Margaret’s (which is now named after Mother Theresa), still a nice church but a little dark, and down Dorchester Avenue to Saint William (now closed), where I lit a candle for Nana (her funeral was held there) and said the beautiful “Way of the Cross,” which grants a plenary indulgence (and I receive one for going to seven churches). As the afternoon progressed, my next stop was Sacred Heart in Quincy, and then the last church, LaSallette Church, where I lit a candle.

I’ve made this mini-pilgrimage on several Good Fridays since, often choosing different churches I’ve never visited. I also altered my routine—rather than say specific prayers I’d read a random passage from the bible, and spent time in quiet contemplation.

For me, it wasn’t so much about an indulgence but I felt a strong connection to my faith and my God all day long. The church is so quiet on Good Friday, and that blessed silence gives you a chance for prayerful reflection.

I also like the practice because it gives you the opportunity to visits churches you’ve either never seen, or visited years ago. Each church has its own personality and style, and each feels like a “Holy” place.

And to be very honest, because I try not to be a hypocrite, writing this piece got me thinking, this being Holy Week and all, that I really need to get back into the practice of going to church regularly as I used to. It's been far too long.

I’ve had faith issues for a few years – to be brutally honest, a crisis of faith I’m still working through.

And then, a few weeks ago, by chance (or perhaps not) I bumped into a man I admire as a true pillar of the church and a great guy, and I talked to him about this – and he suggested that a good start is just to talk to God. Just keep talking.

It’s good advice and I started talking again. It can be slow going but I am trying.

See, for me, visiting the churches isn’t about indulgences or Catholic bonus points – it’s about a spiritual connection. Being in the church amplifies it for me. You can pray anywhere, but being in a church—any church—focuses you. And deep down we need the connection to our creator.

This year I’ll be sure to attend at least one church on Good Friday.

Y’know, maybe the best way to straighten our (sometimes very shaky) faith is to spend more time talking to the Big Guy in his own house.

After all, isn’t the message of Easter about renewal and redemption… and faith?

Think about it. I know I will.

Happy Easter!

Even more Bad Transit (MBTA Commuter Rail)

2008-03-05T10:22:00.008-05:00

by Robert Gillis
Boston City paper 3/2008

So, long MBTA horror story short, the blinking LED sign o’doom flashes that due to mechanical failure (quelle surprise!) the 8:16 will be late and adds that there are “crowded conditions.”

So we happy commuters wait in the pouring rain as the sign soon changes to state that the “8:16 will not be excepting (sic) any passengers.” (Grammar isn’t big at MBTA headquarters, apparently, but hey, it isn’t on this site, either, so they get a pass on that one).

The alleged 8:16 shows up at around, oh, 8:45, and for some reason STOPS, although it’s not “excepting” any passengers and no one leaves the train. The 8:47 arrives about 10 minutes later, and I’m only 50 minutes late for work. “Dependabili-T.” Hah!

So as usual I go to the MBTA web site to fill in my refund request. I go through the FOUR PAGES of web forms and then I click CONTINUE and get this little beauty of a message:

On-time Service Guarantee
An error occurred on the server when processing the URL. Please contact webmaster@mbta.com.

LOVELY. I think I'll pass on contacting the webmaster. I'm trying to give up profanity for Lent.

...And on the subject or refunds, I'm still keeping track of the refund requests. They take months but so far I HAVE been receiving them... And once I do, then I just go through the simple process of waiting in the long line at South Station, signing my letter from the T, presenting the complementary tickets and my fecking driver's license, and hoping the clerk knows what s/he's doing so I can get my $9.00 back.

1/23/2008 Refund Request Sent -- Response: NOTHING YET
1/24/2008 Refund Request Sent -- Response: NOTHING YET
3/5/2008 Refund Request Attempted; website failed. Re-applied a day later. -- Response: NOTHING YET
3/13/2008 Train broke down! Refund Request Sent -- Response: NOTHING YET
6/4/2008 Refund Request Sent -- Response: NOTHING YET
6/17/2008 Refund Request Sent -- Response: NOTHING YET
6/19/2008 Refund Request Sent -- Response: NOTHING YET

Do not attempt! Closed course. Professional Driver.

2008-03-01T16:46:00.001-05:00

By Robert Gillis
Published in the Foxboro Reporter 3/2008 and Boston City Paper 2/2008

Being a slow news month with absolutely nothing else going on, I thought today I’d turn our attention to television commercials and their warnings.

I’m talking about car commercials, and certain others advertisements, that feel the need to add “Do not attempt” to the commercial when the situation is obviously preposterous to anyone with a modicum of common sense. Example: If a guy gets a rush from a Mountain Dew and exuberantly skydives off the Eiffel Tower, do we really need a “Do not attempt” message? I mean, I’ve been to the Eiffel Tower, they don’t sell Mountain Dew there anyway, and even if they did, the French police (I believe they call them “Bobbies”) would stop you if you tried to skydive from it, right?

Now, I appreciate the need for a “Closed Course / Professional Driver / Do not attempt” message when I see the shiny car driving 200 miles per hour along the very edge of some steep canyon at heights that would make the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote say, “Forget it, man, that’s too high up for me.” Because it’s POSSIBLE – not likely, mind you, but POSSIBLE – that some Doofus will try to imitate the commercial and end up as the newest crater at the bottom of Mount Washington.

But… what about the commercials that show us blatantly obvious, preposterous, supernatural or otherwise “ain’t ever gonna happen” scenarios? For example, there’s the Toyota commercial where the truck gets hit by a meteor – A METEOR! -- that explodes and nearly kills the camera crew and apparently vaporizes the truck – but wait! The truck is unharmed. The tag line reads, “Tundra – Meteor Proof.” Good to know, I suppose, but then they add, “Dramatization.” Wait, is the truck meteor proof or not? Given the number of meteor strikes on the roads these days, I need to know.

Another example. The truck commercial where they test the brakes by loading the car with two tons of concrete and race down a metal ramp, stopping inches from the abyss of the Grand Canyon. “Do not attempt.” You’ve seen the commercial, it’s impressive as hell if it’s real, but do you REALLY need to be told NOT TO TRY THIS? I’ve done some stupid things in my life but not once – even drunk, even in my crazy college days -- did I ever think, “”Hey! Let’s test the truck brakes by seeing if they can stop ten tons of cargo free-falling off the Grand Canyon!” Nope, never thought that. And even without a “do not attempt” I know it’s not a good idea. Put another way: Well, duh.

To all those commercials showing SUV drivers careening thru the snow banks and forests of Endor at mach 3: No need to say “Do not attempt,” I understand that driving over the fallen trees, boulders, land mines and volcanic ash wrecks your axel, transmission, and of course makes the forest rangers really, really upset (not to mention demolishing my resale value). I also don’t need a “Do not attempt” for that commercial that shows the truck driving DOWN THE SNOWY MOUNTAIN. If I want to go down the mountain, I’ll take a SNOWMOBILE. Or ski.

There’s another commercial where people are getting rid of their cars. Forget a practical solution such as a donation, selling it, or having it towed to the scrap heap. Nope, these people PUSH THE CAR OFF A GARAGE ROOF where it PLUNGES eight stories and CRASHES into the street. As tons of concrete and lethal debris rain down on the (thankfully) empty street “Do not attempt” flashes across the screen. I realize two things: 1) I’m sure glad the street below was deserted and 2) to think I was worried about hitting someone when I pitched a penny off the Empire State Building in 1979. I also wonder if the person who pushed the car is surcharged by the insurance company – after all, it WAS a single car accident.

Speaking of getting rid of things, there is a commercial where people are trying to get rid of their refrigerator so they can get a new one. Again, since there’s just no way to legally dispose of a refrigerator anywhere in America these days (*cough* two trash stickers *cough*) alternative methods of disposal are demonstrated: In one, the solution is tying the refrigerator to the train tracks as a train approaches. “Do not attempt” appears on the screen.

Do not attempt? Really? So, I can’t take my refrigerator to the commuter train tracks and tie it there to be demolished by the high-speed express? Do not attempt? How about, “Do not attempt –Doing this will kill and injure hundreds when the train derails and explodes.” Or “Guarantees Federal Time after you’re convicted of domestic terrorism.”

In the same commercial, someone places the unwanted refrigerator atop a huge cliff (it looks like Acadia National Park) and uses a giant wrecking ball to demolish it. Again, “Do not attempt.” Assuming I could even get my old fridge atop Mount Cadillac, and assuming I could somehow rent a crane large enough to smash it, (are permits involved with this sort of thing?) I assume that the park rangers, tourists, conservationists and dozens of other federal agencies would have no problem with me smashing the cliff face until it crumbles and sends my unwanted appliance into the ocean?

OK, final commercial: Maytag dryers. They are DURABLE. So durable, in fact, that the Maytag guy sets up a baseball throwing machine, dials it to 50 miles per hours and fires dozens of baseballs at the Maytag’s window, and then cheerfully wipes the unbroken window clean. “Do not attempt” flashes at the bottom of the screen. Look, I may be crazy, but renting a super baseball machine to lob pitches at my DRYER just never occurred to me. Me: “Honey, I’m heading to the cellar to fire baseballs at the dryer with the new pitching machine!” / Her: “OK! Can you grab a few cans of salmon on the way back upstairs?”

Look, advertisers, if you really want to place a useful warning in your commercials, how about this: Every time you have someone eating at Burger King or McDonalds, just say, “Do not attempt.” Now THAT’s a warning worth heeding.